Urdu Poetry Forum

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This again got writeen in the soil of ghazal but does not follow the rules of wazan n behr.So your suggestions are invited PROVIDED the intensity and what i wanted to to convey is not lost.I also want to keep the expression"paichdgi kay khum".Plz also give your feedback about the emotive and intellectual depth or the lack of it.It is more importent to me.

Waqt ki aankh se dekho to yeh bahut puraanii lagti hai
Teray meray ishq ki baat ab faqt kahani lagti hai

Ban ke lahu takh/leeq mirii kii ragh ragh men woh behti hai
Larki jo naadaan kabhii ,kabhii bahut siyaanii lagti ha

Eik ahad par maiN ne guzaarii tanha apnii umr tamaam
Aaj koyii soche to shaayad bahut hairaanii lagti hai

Kehnay ko gar na ho kuch to daal do paychedgi kay khum
Jo baat samajh na aayay yahaaN woh baat ruhaani lagti hai

Us se baRh kar bhi haseen hoNgay "sagar" magar
Achi itni phir kyuN mujhko woh mar jaani lagti hai
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