Quote:
Originally Posted by mehekk 
Sitare deikh rahe hain ubhar ubhar k mujhe
Ke mil rahe hain ishare kisi safar k mujhe
*
Main aik shamma e rah guzaar e hasteee hon
K deikhti hai hawa bhi thehr thehr k mujhe
*
Saba thi main so mujhe baagh mein rehna tha
Ghubaar hona paraa dasht sey guzar ke mujhe
*
Lagaa hua hai meraa Dil abhi tu guryon mein
Guzar na jaein yeh din bhi udas karke mujhe
*
Mila tha raat mujhe apne aaeine mein koi
Bahut malaal hua oss se baat karke mujhe
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Mehekk
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As-salam-o-alaikum Mehak sahiba,
bohat khoob ghazal kahi hay ap ne, Mobi bhai detail me bat kr chuky haiN aur yaqeenan ap ne tesry aur choThy sheir meiN tabdeeli ki ho gi... maiN mobi bhai ki bat me thoRa sa izafa kruN ga k dusry sheir ka pela misra bhi tabdeeli chahta hay... shamma-e-rehguzaar nhi paRha jaye ga, isy shamm-e-rehguzaar paRheN gay... lehaza wazn is terha bhi thek nhi beThy ga... ye surat mery khyal meiN behter rahy gi:
maiN aik shmme sar-e-rehguzaar-e-hasti huN... 3rd sheir k pehly misry meiN "baagh" k bad "hi" aana chahiay, shayad typing k doran miss ho gaya ho... add kr len...
Mobi bhai ki bat thek hay k khyalaat k hawaly se sabhi ashaar bohat achy haiN... 4th aur 5h sheir ne bhi khoob lutf diya, wesy ap ki is ghazal ki zameen meiN Nasir Kazmi ki bhi aik ghazal yad aa gaei, Metric ya FA k urdu k nisaab meiN hua krti thi hamary waqt me..
kisi kali ne bhi dekha na aankh bher k mujhy,
guzar gaei jaras-e-gul udaas kr k mujhy...
shayad ap ne Nasir Kazmi hi ki zameen ko adopt kiya ho.. magar aik achi kawish rahi... youNhi likhti raheN aur ham se share krti raheN, khush raheN aabad raheN...
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11-26-2008, 08:26 PM
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