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  #1  
Old 08-22-2007, 03:57 PM
kanch ki mehroo's Avatar
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Default Other - Raye shumari baraye muqabla-e-nazm goi...



is maah muqablay k liye jo mozu muntakhib kia gaya...woh hai ;

~Aazadi~

humaisha ki tarah is martaba bhi bohat say mu'aziz sathiyoN ne apni khubsoorat kawishat k sath muqablay maiN shirkat ki...hum unke shukr guzar haiN...

nataij ka ailan judges ke mushtarka faislay par mabni hoga...judges say guzarish hai k woh 31st Aug. tak humaiN apne faislay say agah kar daiN...judges har kawish ko 1-10 tak marks day saktay haiN...aakhir maiN tamam marks ko jama kar k hatmi nataaij ka ailan kia jayega..

humaray Mohtaram judges k naam darj-e-zail haiN;

(Zain, Kanch ki Mehroo, WanderingThoughts, Sohail Malik, Mehtab, saahir)

Evalutaion ka criteria yeh hai;

Andaz-e-beyan (rawani, alfaz ka ista'amal, takhayyul) = 5
mozu = 5
total marks = 10

muqablay maiN shamil nazmaiN yeh haiN:

1 : Ather29

HER IK FARD HAI PAKISTAN

QADAM BARHAO...... HATH MILAO
PAKISTAN BANTAY JAO
HER IK FARD HAI PAKISTAN
PAKISTAN KI HUM PEHCHAAN
PAKISTAN HAMARI JAAN
HER IK FARD HAI PAKISTAN

WAQT HAI KATHIN
CHAHIYE JANON
MULK O QOAM KO
AAO KAR DEIN SURKHURU
BHARHAYEIN APNAY WATAN KI SHAAN
HER IK FARD HAI PAKISTAN

MANZIL KI JUSTAJU
DIL MEIN HUM RAKHEIN
MEHNAT KAREIN SABHI
MAZA JEET KA CHAKHEIN
KAREIN TASKHEER HER MAIDAAN
HER IK FARD HAI PAKISTAN

PAKISTAN KI HUM PEHCHAAN
PAKISTAN HAMARI JAN
HER IK FARD HAI PAKISTAN

-------------------------------------------------------

2 : Qamar94



-------------------------------------------------------

3 : Ali4everfriend



-------------------------------------------------------

4: CHISTHY1

Salam Pakistan Salam Pakistan
Tujhi se hain hum sab tujhi se hai pehchan
Salam pakistan salam pakistan
Yeh ronaqein sari tere hi damm se hain
Yeh tere sab jalwe janam janam se hain
Khuda tujhe rakhe baharon ka unwaan
Salam pakistan salam pakistan
Woh Quaid-e-azam woh maadr-e-millat
Woh shayer-e-mashriq woh quaid-e-millat
Salam ho unper jo hogaye qurbaan
Salam pakistan salam pakistan
Teri fiza'on mein jo saans lete hain
Tujhi pe jeete hain tujhi pe marte hain
Tere hain sab tere tu sab ka dilbar jaan
Salam pakistan salam pakistan
Humari azadi ka hai tu hi mahoor hai
Woh jiska hum qatra tu woh samander hai
Sada rahe jal thal sada charhe parwaan
Salam pakistan salam pakistan
Tere yeh sab shayer tere maghni hai
Yeh aabadi yeh sab teri phaban bhi hain
Yeh saaz yeh naghmein tere hain aey dil jaan
Salam pakistan salam pakistan

-------------------------------------------------------

5 : frantic. hectic

Hum azzad qoom hain....
yeah jantay huey bhi na janay
kin azzadyon k chakaron mein
phans gaey hain
hum apnay culture or apni tahzeeb ko bhula kar
namaloom dharoon mein bah rahay hain
aur apni pahchaan ko
apni qoomi zubaan ko hum
bhula rahay hain
nai saqafat ,nai tahzeeb k ghaoo is per laga rahay hain
hum apnay mazhab se door ho kar
jadeedyat ka pahan k chola
nafs ka daman bhartay ja rahay hain
zameeron ko behissi kay libaday pehna rahay hain
hum apnay jazboon ko munafiqat k
acid mein dabo kar
masakh kar rahay hain
jala rahay hain
aur khotay lahjoon se aysay jazbay chupa rahay hain
hum apnay markaz se door ho kar
nai manzil bana rahay hain
andhairi rahon mein roshnee k
chiraagh khud hi bujha rahay hain
tamam rangoon ko khud hi madham bana rahay hain
aur apnay shaoor ko aaghi ko
thapak thapak kar sula rahay hain
hum khud hi rangeenyat k ghulaam ban kar
rasm-e-dunya nibha rahay hain
azzad urano ko bhool kar ham
khud hi pinjron ko ja rahay hain
yeah kia hua k hum
apna mazi bhula rahay hain
kachi bunyadon se
naey gharonday bana rahay hain
kia yeah sahi hai k
apnay hathon se nanhay poodon ko zehreela pani pila rahay hain
hum un ko ujray mahool ka qaidi bana rahay hain
jehan hawa mein
badeesi sazishoon k virius mundla rahay hain
har amal-e-tanafus k bad
lahu mein shamil ho k namu pa rahay hain
hamein mahool ka aadi bana rahay hain....
haan aaj phir 'YOM-E-AAZADI' hai
aue meri sochain
sissak rahi hain
k yeah 'REALITY SHOW' kab tak chalay ga ?????

-------------------------------------------------------

6 : Zeneya



-------------------------------------------------------

7 : silent_wishes

AY M'RE ARZ - E - WATAN

thaa qyaamat thoo rhay azaaD ay arz – e – watan
teraa har gosha rhay abaaD ay arz – e – watan

paak hai mitti t’ri iss maiN shahiidoN ka hai khooN
Teri sarhad ke hifazat maiN m’re dil ka s’kooN

naam se tere m’ri iss dehR maiN pehchaan hai
tuj pe apni jaan warooN ye m’ra eemaan hai

maiN j’haaN jaooN wahii roshan t’ra hii naam ho
pasbaaN hooN maiN t’ra, teri hifazat kaam ho

aasmaaN tak naam tera dehR maiN ooNchaa rhay
ay watan , ay dais tera har jaga charchaa rhay

ay watan teri b’qa maiN hai asal meri b’qa
tuj pe mere paak ALLAH ka rhay sayaa sadaa

-------------------------------------------------------

sab se guzarish hai k Judges k ilawa koi aur member is thread maiN post na karay, Judges k ilawa koi bhi post delete kar di jaye gi.

bohat shukriya
khush rahiye
HG Intazamiya.
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  #2  
Old 08-29-2007, 03:46 PM
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Default Re: Raye shumari baraye muqabla-e-nazm goi...

Azeez saathio assalam o alaekum

is baar muqabilay maiN aik sanjaeedah mozu tha aur is maiN dostoN ka sanjeedah laikin kuch dukh aur khudshikestegi kay ehsaas aur kuch umeed aur koshish kay azem kay khayalat say bharpur kalam nazer aya.

meri nacheez raey maiN shureka e muqabila ko kuch yuN marks diay jaatay haiN.


1. Ather 2 + 3.5 = 5.5

2. Qamar 4.5 + 4.5 = 9

3. Ali 2 + 3.5 = 5.5

4. Chishti 3 + 3 = 6

5. Frantic 3 + 3 = 6

6. Zenya 3.5 + 3.5 = 7

7. Silent wishes 4 + 4 = 8

sohail malik
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  #3  
Old 08-29-2007, 11:57 PM
kanch ki mehroo's Avatar
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Default Re: Raye shumari baraye muqabla-e-nazm goi...



maz'rat chahti hooN...is martaba tafseel say jawab nahiN day paooNgi..

aap tamaam sathiyoN ki kawishat nazar say guzreeN...bohat khushi huwi k aj bhi Iqbal ka shaheen itna murda dil nahiN huwa...

Ather..
3+3 = 6

Qamar94..
(aapki kawish ghazal nahiN... maiN isay nazm k taur par hi looNgi.. kiyoNke apne aik hi khayal k tehat kahi hai yeh... musalsal ghazal aur nazm maiN farq karna kuch mushkil hai... so isay nazm maiN shumaar kar rahi hooN maiN..)
4.5+ 4.8 = 9.3

Ali4everfriend..
2.5+3 = 5.5

Chishty..
2.5+3 = 5.5

frantic. hectic..
3+3.5 = 6.5

Zeneya..
3+3.9 = 6.9

silent_wishes..
4+4.2 = 8.2

ap tamam sathiyoN ki shirkat ka bayhad shukriya... naik tamannayeN ap sab k liye..

khush rahiye
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  #4  
Old 09-01-2007, 06:04 AM
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Default Re: Raye shumari baraye muqabla-e-nazm goi...

As-salam-o-alaikum dosto, main bhi marking k sath hazir huN, is bar kuch late ho gya, mager ye shuker hy hazir ho gya... Ye dekh kr Bohat khushi hui k is bar bhi contest meiN dostoN ne bher-pur his'sa liya aur apni khubsurat takhleeqaat se is mehfil ki ronaq ko baRhaya…

Marking krny se pehly aik bat arz kr duN k chuNkay ye mozu aisa tha k is pr bohat se mukhtalif zavioN se likha ja sakta hy, so maiN is muqably meiN shamil sab takhleeqaat ko mozu k mukamal marks duN ga.

ab aaty haiN marking ki aata huN, araf, Sab se pehli takhleeq hy:

1- Ather29

Ather bhai aap ki janib se aazadi k unwaan k tehat aik achi nazm parhny ko mili. mozu k lehaz se to ap ko pory marks mileN gy, mager andaaz-e-bayaaN k hawaly se kuch baton pr ghor ki zuroorat hy. Alfaaz ko is trha se istamal kreN k misra paRhty waqt rawani mehsoos ho, aur misra aik hi flow meiN paRha ja’ay… aru khas kr paband nazm meiN wazn pr bhi tawaju zuroorat hoti hy…

Aap ki kawish ko milty haiN:

Andaaz-e-bayaaN = 2.5
Mozu se insaaf = 5

Total = 7.5

------------------------------------------------------

2- Qamar94


Mohtaram Qamar Sahab, aap ki takhleeq bila shuba bohat baRi aur pur-asar hy aur mera khyaal hy k aap ki is takhleeq ka kisi se muqabla bhi nahi kiya ja sakta, k herf herf sachy jazboN aur apny watan ki mahabat ki gawahi de raha hy.... mager aap ki ye takhleeq ghazal k zimry meiN aati hy (kyuN-kay is meiN ghazal ki bunyadi khubiaN mojud haiN, yaani matla, maqta aur qafia radeef ki pabandi...) so is waja se is takhleeq pr marking nahi kr sakuN ga.

------------------------------------------------------

3- Ali4everfriend

Ali bhai aap ki kawish bhi achi rahi, wahi bat kahuN ga k rawani k hawaly se tawaju derkaar hy, behter alfaaz ka istamal aur un ko munasib jaga pr lagana yaqeenan misry ki rawani meiN izafa krta hy, so is janib tawaju ki zuroorat hy….

Aap ki kawish ko milty haiN:

Andaaz-e-bayaaN = 2
Mozu se insaaf = 5

Total = 7

------------------------------------------------------

4- CHISTHY1

Jnab aazadi k hawaly se aap ki takhleeq bhi bohat achi hy, alfaaz ka istamal acha kiya gya hy nazm meiN, mager abhi rwani ki kami nazer aaei aap ki is kawish meiN, so is janib tawaju dijiay…
Aap ki kawish ko milty haiN:
Andaaz-e-bayaaN = 3
Mozu se insaaf = 5
Total = 8

------------------------------------------------------

5- frantic. Hectic

frantic ji, aap ne kuh munfarid si nazm pesh ki, agerchay nazm meiN aazadi k baad ki zurat-e-haal k bohat se sanjeeda pehluoN pr nazr daadi, mager jaghoN pr aisa laga k kuch tarkeebat aap thek se istamal nai kr saky…. Jesa k ap ne “virus mandlany” ka
zikr kiya, yahaN virus ka khatra to mandla sakta hy mager virus az-khud nahi mandla sakta… rawani k hawaly se aap ki nazm meiN kuch lines bohat rawaN haiN, mager beh-ter muqamat pr rawani meiN kami ka ehsaaas hota hy…

Aap ki kawish ko milty haiN:

Andaaz-e-bayaaN = 3.5
Mozu se insaaf = 5

Total = 8.5

------------------------------------------------------

6- Zeneya

Zeneya Sahiba aap ki takhleeq bhi khoob rhai, andaaz-e-bayaaN acha hy aur alfaaz ka khoob istamal kiya aap ne, go-ky kuch misroN meiN rawani bohat achi rahi mager abhi is janib mazeed tawaju ki zuroorat hy….

Aap ki kawish ko milty haiN:

Andaaz-e-bayaaN = 3.5
Mozu se insaaf = 5

Total = 8.5

------------------------------------------------------

7- Silent Wishes

Ihsan bhai aap ne bhi aazadi k hawaly se aik umda takhleeq pesh ki… sabhi sher achy kahy aap ne, wazn, rawani, alfaaz ka umda istamal, aur in alfaaz k peachy khyalat, sabhi kuch acha raha aap ki takhleeq meiN…. sirf Aakhri sher meiN aap aik lafz ghalat talafuz pr istamal kr ga’ay, lafz “asal” ko “asl” paRheN gy aur isi wazn pr isy istamal kiya ja’ay ga.… so umeed hy aap aainda alfaaz ko durust talafuz pr istamal kreN gy…

Aap ki kawish ko milty haiN:

Andaaz-e-bayaaN = 4
Mozu se insaaf = 5

Total = 9
------------------------------------------------------

aap sab sathioN ka aik bar phir bohat shukriya k aap ne apni khubsurat takhleeqaat se is mehfil ki ronaq meiN izafa kiya. Allah Mola aap sab ko shaad-o-aabad rakhy....
__________________
========================================

jo khud ko smjha beTha ho, ab usko smjha'y kon
kya ab bhi malum na hota, apny kon, pra'y kon
us basti se chand sitary, titli jugnoo miltay haiN,
lekin aik pryshani hy, us basti meiN ja'ay kon???
sb se zyada pyar hy tm se, lekin apni zat se km,
schi bat yhi hy pyary! jhoTi qsmeN kha'y kon...


======================================== (Ejaz Shakir)
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  #5  
Old 09-01-2007, 10:46 AM
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Default Re: Raye shumari baraye muqabla-e-nazm goi...



Buhat he khobsurat poems parhne ko mileN app sab ki. Aik buhat he umdah unwan tha is maaah. Mazrat k sath sirf marks he day raha hooN aur detail main koi comments nahi day paya is dafa ki entries par

1. Ather29............... 3+2.5=5.5


2. Qamar94..............

(Qamar bhai app ka kalam mujhe nazam nahi laga is liay app ko marks na day saka, Go k buhat he khobsurat tehrer rahi but i think k ye ghazal hay aur is baar nazam ka compet muratab kia gaya tha)


3. Ali4everfriend........ 2.5+ 2.5=5


4. CHISTHY1............ 3+3= 6


5. frantic. Hectic.......3.5+3= 6.5


6. Zeneya...............4+4= 8


7. Silent Wishes.......4.5+4.5= 9


Best of luck my dear frnds. Allah app ko har jaga khush rakhe aur har medan main kamayb kare


Feeaman Allah
Mehtab
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  #6  
Old 09-01-2007, 11:01 AM
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Default Re: Raye shumari baraye muqabla-e-nazm goi...

sab judges ki marking ka bohat bohat shukriya, ab ye thread close ki ja rhai hy, kuch der meiN nta'ij ki thread k sath hazir hoty haiN....
__________________
========================================

jo khud ko smjha beTha ho, ab usko smjha'y kon
kya ab bhi malum na hota, apny kon, pra'y kon
us basti se chand sitary, titli jugnoo miltay haiN,
lekin aik pryshani hy, us basti meiN ja'ay kon???
sb se zyada pyar hy tm se, lekin apni zat se km,
schi bat yhi hy pyary! jhoTi qsmeN kha'y kon...


======================================== (Ejaz Shakir)
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