Urdu Poetry Forum

**kanch ki mehroo** · #1 09-25-2006, 05:26 PM

is martaba muqabla-e-nazam goi ke liye jo unwan diya gaya tha...woh tha "muhabbat"...hum un sab sho'ra ke shukar guzar haiN jinhoN ne bharpoor tareeqay say muqablay maiN shirkat ki...aur apni khubsooorat tahareer hum sab ke sath share keeN...@};-

jaisa ke aap sab ko ilm hai ke muqablay ke nataaij ka ailaan judges ke mushtarka faislay par mabni hoga...Judges say guzarish hai ke woh yakam October tak is thread maiN apne faislay say aagah karaiN...judges har nazam ko 1-10 tak marks daiNgay..aur aakhir maiN tamaam judges ke diye gaye marks ko jama kar ke hatmi nataaij ka ailaan kia jayega...

judges ke naam darj-e-zail haiN:

(Ankaboot, Inam, Aik Lamha, Shagufta Basit, Kanch ki mehroo, Zain, wandering thoughts)

Evalutaion ka criteria yeh hai

Andaz-e-beyan (5 marks) (rawani, alfaz ka ista'amal, takhayyul)
mozu (5 marks)
total marks = 10
tamam judges k diye huway score ka ausat asal score hoga...

muqablay maiN shamil nazmaiN yeh haiN:

1: khaiyaal
CHAHAT KI EK DOORI

Zindagi badalti hai
Chahatain badalti hain
Loog bhi badalte hain
Per,aik shaks tha
Maire dil mai rehta tha
Dharkanoo mai busta tha
Mai bun kar chalakta tha
Sur ke saare sazoon mai
Ahsas uska hota tha
Paas jub ke aata tha
Dil mai khatak si hoti thi
Dharkanain si rukti theen
Chahat ki ek doori
Phir se banti rehti thi
Aaina bhi hota tha
Saamne mai hoti thi
Baal sanwaar kar apne mai
joora sa kus laite thi
Laal laal honton ko mai
Surkhi se kar laiti thi
Halka halka kaajal mai
Ankhoon mai bhar laiti thi
Payail pehen kar paoon mai
Mai chun chun karti rehti thi
Khawahish bhi mairi tb
khawahish na rehti thi
Go ke socha karti thi
Rasta mai rokoon gi
Hath ho ga haathon mai
Tub mai us se keh doon gi
Chaahat ki ek doori
Doori aik chahat ki
ub ke bandh daloon gi

2: chariagy-aakhir-shab
"MOHUBBAT"

YAH JO LAFZ MOHUBBAT HAY
PARBATYON SE IS MAIN WASHT HAY
AJAB SE JAZBAYON KI SHIDAT HAY
MAGAR GANAA
MOHUBBAT TO PAHIR MOHUBBAT HAY
YAH TO APNI APNI KISMAT HAY
KISI K LEAY BAY-FEZ ABIDAT HAY
KISI KI UMAR BAHR KI RAYZAT HAY
MAGAR JANAA
MOHUBBAT TO PAHIR MOHUBBAT HAY
JANAY IS MAIN KHUDA KI KYA HIKMAT HAY
MOHUBBAT KARNAY WALAY K
MUKDAR MAIN SAKHT AZEAYT HAY
MAGAR JANAA
MOHUBBAT PAHIR MOHUBBAT HAY
AHSAS K GAHNAY GUNGLE MAIN
ROOH KI BAY NAM MUSAFAT HAY
MAGAR JANAA
MOHUBBAT PAHIR MOHUBBAT HAY
LAKHAYON DUKH SAH KAR B
LAB PAY NA KOI SHKAYAT HAY
K MOHUBBAT KARNAY WALYON KI
SADYON SAY YAH RAWAYT HAY
BAJA K IS KI RAHYON PER
JAFA BHI AIK HAQEQAT HAY
MAGAR JANAA
MOHUBBAT PAHIR MOHUBBAT HAY
AYAN IS BAT SAY IS KI AHMEAYT HAY
IS JAZBAY KO KHUDA SAY NISBT HAY
HAMRA WAGOD SRAA-PA ZILAT HAY
US KI ZAT MUGASM RAHMAT HAY
YAH GO LAFZ MOHUBBAT HAY
PARBATYON SE IS MAIN WASHT HAY
AJAB SE JAZBAYON KI SHIDAT HAY
MAGAR JANAA
MOHUBBAT PAHIR MOHUBBAT HAY!!

3: Tariq Aziz

4: Filmsy

5: Haya n

6: WithLove

7: LuckyLibra

8: pessimist

Mohabbat kia hai

Log kehtay hain
Mohabbat!!!
Ik rog hai
Ik dhong hai
Dil ki azari hai
Waqat ki barbadi hai
Mohabbat kuch nahin
Mohabbat!!!
Faraib hai
Mohabbat!!!
Hawas hai
Mohabbat!!!
Dhoka hai
Lakin!!!
Main kehti hoon
Mohabbat!!!
Ik aag hai
Ik raag hai
Mohabbat!!!
Ik piyas hai
Mohabbat hi to zindgi ki aas hai
Mohabbat!!!
Ik janoon hai
Dil ka sakoon hai
Mohabbat ik saaz hai
Zindgi ka raaz hai
Mohabbat ik fasan hai
Zindgi ka taran hai
Mohabbat ik jolani hai
Zindgi ki kahani hai
Mohabbat kia hai?
Mohabbat dil hai
Mohabbat dharkan hai
Mohabbat badan main dorta hooa lahoo ha

9: :Qassim:

tumhaiN dosto ik kahaanii sunaa'ooN
k raajaa se raanii milii kiss tarah se
puraanaa naheiN yeh abhii ka hai qissah
jo tum sun rahe ho yeh meri zabaanii
tasavvur meN khud ko chalo lay k waaN per
jahaaN pehlii baarii milay thay yeh dono
woh purnoor mehfil woh dilkaSh nazaaraa
falak sa samaa thaa zameeN per bhi yaaroN
magar aise mahaul meN yeh sitam tha
woh kursii peh baiThaa tha tanhaa akayla
khayaaloN ki dunya meN masroof tha woh
meheknay lagii phir achaanak fizaa'aiN
khayaaloN kii dunya se baahar woh aayaa
nazar jab phiraa'ii to kya dekhta hai
parii se bhi zyaadaa haseeN ik haseenaa
qadam do qadam door uss se khaRee hai
ajab kaSh.makaSh meN woh banda khaRaa hai
kabhii dekhtaa hai woh surKhii laboN kii
kabhii dekhtaa hai woh zulfoN ko uss kii
dil e naatawaaN kee ajab kaifiat hai
bechaaraa yeh sochay mujhay kya huvaa hai
hai bijlii ki raftaar kyuN merii dhaRkan
woh chaahe kay jaa'ay qareeN uss parii kay
kare uss se baataiN woh dunya jahaaN kii
khabar aaKhir uss ko yeh hone lagii kay
hai pehlii nazar meN muhabbat ka jaadoo
muhabbat ki dil meN kalii khil rahii hai
khizaaN ab chaman se hai hone ko ruKhsat
magar aik or marhale se hai jaanaa
haseenah se izhaar e ulfat hai kerna
juTaa ker woh himmat gaya paas uss kay
kahaa jaa kay uss se mujhay kuch hai kehna
muhabbat ka tum se hai izhaar kerna
yeh aaNkhaiN tumhaarii lagaiN jheel jaisii
hai saaNsoN meN terii guloN jaisii khuShboo
terii kaalii zulfaiN ghaTaa baadaloN kii
dewaanaa samajhker mujhay Taalnaa mat
muhabbat jo tum se hai sachchii muhabbat
meN yeh maantaa hooN k kuch dair pehlay
sahaare muqaddar k ham tum milay haiN
magar haq to haq hai jo sach hai woh sach hai
yeh sun ker sabhii kuch lagii muskuraane
nazar ko jhukaakay woh Sharmaakay thoRaa
lagii bolne phir Khudaa jaantaa hai
maiN ab tak hooN zindaah isee din ki Khaatir
muhabbat se mujhko tum apna kahogay
samajhnay kii koShiSH woh kernay lagaa k
yeh kya maajraa hai maiN kya sun rahaa hooN
maiN samjhaa muhabbat yeh thii aik tarfaa
magar yaaN ka manzar to badlaa huvaa hai
yahaaN per kahaanii yeh hotii naheiN khatm
abhii aur khuShyaaN manaanii haiN in ko
aur aaKhir meN rab se dua hai yeh merii
harik nazr e bad se rahaiN duur dono!

10: Quill

11: Silentmotions

khush rahiye
HG Administration

Note: Aap tamam logouN se guzarish hay kay iss thread meiN koi post na karay... Judges k ilawa kisi bhi member ki post delete kerdi jaye gi...

**kanch ki mehroo** · #2 09-26-2006, 02:03 PM

judgesssssssssssssss ssssssss /baja/

kahaN haiN sab ke sab

**Ankaboot** · #3 09-28-2006, 06:59 PM

waz the last day of evaluation ?

**kanch ki mehroo** · #4 09-28-2006, 07:06 PM

Yakam October hai last date

ab susti nahiN dikhanay ka

**WanderingThoughts** · #5 09-29-2006, 05:34 AM

Aadaab dosto!

Is bar bhi Unwan (MAHABAT) bohat acha mutakhib kiya gya tha. Isy ap multi-dimensional keh sakhty haiN… so is bar bhi bohat achi achi nazmeN parhny ko miliN… sab dostoN ne jis lagan aur jazby se is mukably maiN participate ki’a wo kabil-e-staish hy…

Nta’ij kuch yuN haiN:

1st entery: khaiyaal (nazm ka unwan: CHAHAT KI EK DOORI)

achi kawish rahi Khaiyaal! Alfaz ka istamal to ap ne khoob kiya, mager aik bat kehna chahuN ga k khyaalat kuch munfarid nahi lagy is nazm k… ager-chy Nazm ki ibtidaa bohat achi hy (pehli 3 lines). Mager is ibtidaa ka rabt nahi banta baqi tmaam nazm k sath… misrooN maiN Flow bhi kuch mukamat pr garber krta hy (yani rhythm ki kami hy…)

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
andaaz-e-bayaN k (2)
mozu k (3)
Total points = 5

-----------------------

2nd Entery: chariagy-aakhir-shab (nazm ka unwan: "MOHUBBAT")

To Jnaab ap ki nazm parh kr jo bat sab se pehly zehn maiN ubhri wo ye thi k ap ne kuch munfarid aur haqeqi khyaalat pesh ki’ay, aur bohat achy andaaz miaN pesh ki’ay. Mozu k eitbar se bhi nazm mukamal hy…
Kami jo mujhy mehsoos hoi, wo ye k nazm k misroN maiN flow nahi hy (yani rhythm aur wazn garber hy… aur ye bat is nazm ki khobsorti ko maaNd krti hy.

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
andaaz-e-bayaN k (2)
mozu k (4)
Total points = 6

-----------------------

3rd Entery: Tariq Aziz (nazm ka unwan: "Suna hy tery laboN pe wo nam aaya hy")

Ap ki janib se bhi aik achi nazm parhny ko mili… alfaaz ka istamal bohat khoob hy, aur andaaz-e-bayan bhi acha hy, lekin khyaalat kuch traditional se lagy… aik do mukamat pr wazn bhi garber laga (shayad typing mistake ki waja se…) aur mauzu k lehaz se bhi kuch tashnagi mehsoos hoi…

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
andaaz-e-bayaN k (3) (rawani, alfaz ka ista'amal, takhayyul)
mozu k (3)
Total points = 6

-----------------------

4th Entery: Flimsy: (nazm ka unwan: " ")

bazahir to ap ki nazm pr koi unwan nazer nahi aaya, lekin ager Mohabat ko hi ap ki nazm ka unwan man li’a ja’ay to is eitbar se to koi kami nahi nazer aati ap ki nazm maiN… lekin rawani ki kami zurur mehsoos hoi, alfaaz ka acha istamal kiya, khyaalat bhi khoob haiN (excluding one thought, k aik lehr do kinaroN ko kesy milati hy, is ki samajh nahi aai…)

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
andaaz-e-bayaN k (2)
mozu k (3)
Total points = 5

-----------------------

5th Entery: Haya (nazm ka unwan: "Aseeran-e-Mohabat")

Haya Sahiba aap ki nazm maiN wo tamam khobiyaN mojud haiN jo k aik aazad nazm maiN honi chahi’aiN… rawani bherpoor hy siwa’ay aik ikloty mukam k (mohabat k aseeroN ko to ye chah hi nahi rehti….). yaahaN chah ki “hy” aur hi ki “hy” akathy ada hony ki waja se rawani kuch garber hoti hy…
Takhai’yul bhi khoob hy… aur unwan k tehat bhi koi kami nazer nahi aati.

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
andaaz-e-bayaN k (3)
mozu k (4)
Total points = 7

-----------------------

6th Entery: WithLove (nazm ka unwan: "hmeN tum se mohabat hy")

Jnaab Sehra Naward! Ap ki janib se aik bohat taweel nazm parhny ko mili… aur is bat ki khushi hy k aap ki nazm maiN bhi khyaalat kuch munfarid haiN… alfaaz ka istamal bhi bohat khoob hy… bulky baz mukamat pr to bohat hi khoob hy… lekin kuch mukamal pr wazn maiN garber nazer aai…
unwaan k tehat bhi kuch tishnagi baqi rahi…

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
andaaz-e-bayaN k (4)
mozu k (3.5)
Total points = 7.5

-----------------------

7th Entery: Luckey Libra (nazm ka unwan: "Mahabat")

ap ki janib se bhi aik pak jazbat se bherpor nazm parhny ko mili… (sab se pehli bat is competition se hat kr krna cahhuN ga k jin pak hastioN k nam is nazm maiN aa’ay un k adab aur ehtraam ki khatir un k namoN pr kuch kuroof likhy jaty haiN… yahaN kisi bhi nam pr koi tazeemi huroof nahi likhy ho’ay…)

ab kuch bat technicalities pr ho ja’ay….

Takhayul bohat aa’la hy aur khas kr maaN wali lines ne to sher tari kr diya mujh pr… andaaz-e-bayan bhi khoob hy… kami jo reh gai is nazm maiN wo wazn aur rhythm ki hy…

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
andaaz-e-bayaN k (3)
mozu k (4)
Total points = 7

-----------------------

8th Entery: Pessimist (nazm ka unwan: "Mahabat kiya hy")

ap ne bhi aik achi nazm pesh ki… alfaaz ka istamal khoob hy, aur thoughts bhi achy haiN… lekin abhi bohat sa kam baqi hy… esa lagta hy abhi safar ka aaghaz hy… mera mashwara hy k ap jitna ziyada ho saky apny thoughts ko express krny ki koshish kreN aur ye kam duty samajh kr kreN…

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
Andaaz-e-bayaN k (3) (rawani, alfaz ka ista'amal, takhayyul)
Mozu k (3)
Total points = 6

-----------------------

9th Entery: Qasim (nazm ka unwan: "---------")

Bari aati hy Qasim Bhai ki! To Jnaab ma-sha-Allah pa ki nazm bohat interesting hy… misroN main aik rabt nazer aata hy… aur alfaaz bhi khoob istamal ki’ay haiN ap ne… aap ki nazm ko bhi ager Mahabat ka hi unwan di’a ja’ay to is eitbar se bhi koi kami nahi ap ki nazm maiN.
Aik do bateN pointout krna chahuN ga… ap ne 29th line maiN likha “magar aik or marhale se hai jaanaa”, to jnaab mery mutabiq “merhaly se jana” nahi hota “merhaly se guzerna” ya “marhala tay krna” hota hy… ager ye mistake koi student krta to isy nazer-nazer’andaaz kiya ja sakta tha, lekin aap jesy Achy Shair se ham ye tawaqu nahi rakhty.

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
Andaaz-e-bayaN k (4)
Mozu k (4)
Total points = 8

-----------------------

10th Entery: Quill (nazm ka unwan: "Mahabat")

Ji Quill ap ne bhi aik bohat khobsurat nazm pesh ki. Jitni pukhtagi ap ki nazm maiN nazer aai aur jis qader ap ki garift misroN ki tawalat aur ikhtasar pr hy, us se mehsoos hota hy k aap nay likhny waly nahi haiN balky bohat arse se likh rahy haiN (k ye bateN bohat practice k bad hi kisi shair ki tehreer maiN aati haiN…
Truly speaking, mujhy samajh nahi aa rahi k is takhleeq pr kiya comments duN… na koi wazn ki khami, na koi talafuz ki ghalti… na hi aam se khyaalat…

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
Andaaz-e-bayaN k (5) (rawani, alfaz ka ista'amal, takhayyul)
Mozu k (4)
Total points = 9

-----------------------

11th Entery: SilentEmotions (nazm ka unwan: "Pyaar")

ap ki janib se bhi aik umda, simple, mukhtasir aur khobsurat nazm pesh ki gai… alfaz bohat sada se istamal hoy haiN, lekin takhayyul bohat aa’la hy… aur rhythm k hawaly se bhi koi khami nazer nahi aai ap ki nazm maiN…

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
Andaaz-e-bayaN k (4)
Mozu k (4)
Total point = 8

-----------------------

ap sab dostoN ka is competition maiN participation ka bohat bohat shukriya...

wish u all best of luck...

Allah Mola aap sab ko bohat bohat ziyada ata kary.... aur hmesha shaad-o-aabad rakhy.... Aamin.

**:Qassim:** · #6 09-30-2006, 04:04 PM

Mehroo saare judges kidher Ghaa'ib haiN? Faizaan bhai ne apne fareezaa to anjaam day dia ... Doosre saare kidher haiN?

Aur you ka tabsara kidher hai?

**kanch ki mehroo** · #7 09-30-2006, 06:06 PM

maiN bhi bas haziri laganay hi wali hooN Qassim bhai

baqi sab judges ko lagta hai khainch kar lana parayga

aap awaz maraiN zara sab ko

**Aik Lamha** · #8 09-30-2006, 07:16 PM

1. Khayyal ji...

sub se pehlay tou aap ko mubarak ho k aap nay iss muqablay meiN itni achi nazm k saath shirkat ki..... to aap ki nazm buhat khoob hay... laikin Muqablay k unwan ya'ani muhabbat ka haq ada kerti nazar nahiN arahi.... uss k ilawa kahiN kahiN rawani meiN bhi kami nazar aye... khayalaaat buhat umda heiN aur alfaz bhi buhat achay heiN... bus youN samajh lijiye k aik aadh aanch ki kasar reh gayee nazm meiN

.. aap k marks heiN

Mozoo = 2
Rawani & andaz-i-bayaaN = 2
Ya'ani aap k total huway 4

aap apni koshish jaari rakhiye... meiN saaf dekh sakta hooN k aap k kalaam meiN pehlay se buhat behteri ayee hay... issi tarhaaN muqablouN meiN shareek hoti rahaiN... judges ki aur doosray saathioN ki raye per amal kerti rahaiN... inshaAlllah shayeri meiN roz afzooN taraqi hoti jaye gi....

2. Chiragh ji..
aap ka nick mashAllah itna bara hay k mujhay ap k nick ka bhi nick banana para

... khair ab atay heiN aap ki nazm ki taraf.... Nazm pooori tarhaaN se unwan per hay... so unwan k tou aap k huway pooray pooray 5...baqi rahi rawani, khayalat, alfaz aur andaz-i-bayaaN.... tou aap ki nazm meiN alfaz to achay ista'mal kiye gaye hein... laikin rawani ki shiddat se kami mehsoos horahi hay... Nazm k buniyadi tareeen ajza meiN se hay uss ka rawaaN hona... buss usski kami nazar ayee.... so rawani meiN aap k marks huway 2

to aap k total marks huway 5+2=7

4. Tariq Azia Bhai
Buhat hi umda kalaaam likha aap nay.. buhat hi khoobsoorat... rawani bhi ghazab ki thi... buss aakhir meiN aker mujhay kahiN kahiN garbar lagi...

laikin mujhay aisa laga jaisay nazm achanuk khatum hogayeee..ya'ani mozoo k saath sahi insaaf kiye baghair... achanuk jaisay beech meiN hi reh gayee.... Mozoo k hisab se aap k marks heiN 3 aur rawani , andaz-i-bayaaN aur alfaz k ista'amal k marks heiN 4
to aap k total marks huway ... 4 + 3 = 7

Andaz-i-bayaaN tou kaafi pukhta hay...

4. Flimsy

Buhat buhat mubarak ho Flimsy ji.. itni khoobsoorat Nazm k saath amad k liye... yaqeenan ye muqabla aisa hay k iss meiN bay hud haseen kalaam parhnay ko mil raha hay... well done... Mozoo k lihaz se tou aap ki Nazm perfect hay. .ya'ani muhabbat ki tashreeh kerti huwi aik bay hud khoobsoorat alfaz wali nazm.... so topic k marks to aap ko diye jatay heiN pooray ya'ani 5 out of 5.. ab atay heiN doosray ahem nuqtay ki taraf. ya'ani rawani, andaz-i-bayaaN waghaira... to janab.. yahaN kuch garbar hay. y a'ani rawani ki kami hay... aur sath hi alfaz meiN aap nay Angrezi lafz Rythm ka istamal kiya hay... jo k mustahsan nahiN hay.. so doosri category meiN aap k marks heiN 2 out of 5...
so aap k total marks huway 2 + 5 = 7

5. Haya n

Ji janab.. aap se jis umdah kalaam ki ummeed hoti hay.. mashAllah aap hamesha hi uss per poora uterti heiN... buhat si mubarak baad qabool kijiye...

Laikin aik baat mehsoos horahi hay k Nazm ki shuru meiN jo uthan thi.. aakhir tak atay atay wo baqi nahiN rahi.. aur nazm ko samaitna aisa laga jaisay jaldi mein gaya hay...issi liye Topic se na insafi si hogayee... pehli category ya'ani unwan k aap ko miltay heiN 4 marks... phir rawani... bilkul sahi.. andaz-i-bayaaN... buhat acha... laikin kahiN kahiN mubham si rahi Nazm.. nazm ki khoobsoorati hay k uss meiN ibham nahiN hona chahiye... alfaz ki rawani k saath khayalaat ki rawani bhi buhat ahem hoti hay... jis ki kami ba har tour mehsoos huwi..

so iss category m eiN aap k marks huway 3
aap k total marks huway 3 + 4 = 7

laikin ba haisiyat-i-majmooyee aik achi nazm hay.. buss youN samajh lijiye k aap nay handi jaldi choolhay se utaar li

Iss dafa to mashAllah buhat se logouN nay hissa liya hay... buhat hi khush ayend baat hay

meiN baqi ki evaluation kal tak kerdooNga

Sub shayer khush rahaiN

Allah Hafiz

Urdu Poetry Forum

Raye shumari baraye muqabla-e-nazam goi (Sept. 06)

Raye shumari baraye muqabla-e-nazam goi (Sept. 06)