Urdu Poetry Forum

**Shagufta Basit** · #11 09-30-2006, 08:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by :Qassim:

haiN!!! Yeh kya baat huvii?!?! Ham to aap k tabsare ka intezaar ker rahe thay, aap to aur intezaar kerwaa rahii haiN :cry5

thora intazar ka maza lejeye ho hoooooooooooooo

**:Qassim:** · #12 09-30-2006, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shagufta Basit

thora intazar ka maza lejeye ho hoooooooooooooo

chalaiN ab aap itnaa keh rahii haiN to intezaar ker hee laytaa hooN

**Ankaboot** · #13 10-01-2006, 01:06 PM

AssalamoAlaikum,Sorr y this time arround i won't be giving detailed comments as i usually do.
just a sentetnce and marks.

1- KHAIYAAL: mozoo tha Mohabbat , aap ki poori nazm mein kahee'n bhi lafz mohabbat dekhney ko nahi mila, maanta hoo'n ke mohabbat aur chahat mein kuch khas farq nahi , magar competition mein mozoo ko zaroor madd-e-nazar rakhna chahye. aap ko miltey hain total 4 points. 2 mozoo ke aur 2 nazm mohabbat se zayada makeup ko ubhaar rahi hai.

2- chariagy-aakhir-shab:
mozoo aap ka mohabbat hi hai iss liye mozoo ke aap ko miltey hain 4 marks, khayaal aap ki nazm ka achha hai , magar main yeh baat kahey bagahir nahi reh sakta ke aap ki aadhi se zayada nazm oarhna merey liye mumkin na tha, urdu zuban mein talaffuz bohat ahmiyyat rakhta hai, roman urdu(yani ke keyboard se english mein urdu likhna) aasaan nahi , magar phir bhi baaz alfaas aise hotey hain jin ki spelling se pata chal jata hai ke likhney wala urdu mein ussey kaise ada karta hai, maslan IBADAT ko aap ne ABIDAT likha hai , JAANA ko aap ne baar baar GAANA likha hai jise mein GHANA samajhta raha , PHIR ko aap ne PAHIR likha hai , jisey main PAHAAR samajhta raha , WUSAT ko aap ne WASHT likha hai jis ka mujhey nahi ilm ke kya mani hai, baraye meharbaani thori si tawajjo urdu talaffuz aur alfaaz ki adaayegi pe bhi dijye iss se yaqeenan rozmarra bol chaal ke ilaawa shayeri mein khoobsoorati aaye gi. , nazm ke miley aap ko 1 point, total huye 4.

3-Tariq Aziz:
bohat umda nazm likhi hai aap ne yaar ji. mozoo ke aap ko miltey hain 5 points , nazm mein rawani bhi hai , khayaal bhi achha hai , mosiqiyyat bhi bohat hai, magar nazm .... achanak ruk si gayi HAR AIK DASTAK SE CHOANK JANA ..... iss ko mazeed continue kiya ja sakta tha.
3.5 marks khayaal (andaz-e-bayaan) ke, total huye 8.5

4- Filmsy
urdu mein angrezi shamil karna hamein kabhi bhi pasand nahi aaya , issi liye 2 saal pehley ham ne jasoosi digest waloo'n ko khat likh ke mana bhi kiya magar meri baat nahi maani unhoo'n ne. mozoo aap ka har satar mein nazar aa raha tha. nazm mein takraar bhi bohat hai iss lafz ki aur kahee'n kaheen se nasar lagi me ko. aap ko miltey hain 7 points, 4+3.

5- HAYA n:
bohat achhi nazm likhi hai aap ne aap ko miltey hain total 8 points , 4+4.

6- WithLove:
bohat khoobsoorat nazm likhi aap ne , aur bohat taweel bhi, iti tawaalat tak mozoo ko sanbhaaley rakhna hargiz bhi aasaan kaam nahi, magar aap en khoobsoorati se yeh kaar anjaam diya. rawaani aur alfaaz ka chunao bhi behad dilnasheen hai aur hamein khasoosan mein Sehra NAward ka istemaal behad bhaaya, aap ko miltey hain 9, 5+4.

7- LuckyLibra
aap ki nazm mein sab se pehley to Imla ki do ghalatiyaa'n nazar aayein, DAAR pe LAtkaaye , aur aap ne WAAR pe latkaaye likh dala, aur doosra RABRA BASRI mein SEEN nahi Suaad aaye ga.
ab nazm ke baarey mein, yeh kahoo'n ga ke lafz mohabbat ki behad takraar ki gayi hai, nazm kafi kainaati qisam ki hai kisi cheez ko chora nahi gaya nazm mein. rawaani ka fuqdaan hai nam mein, aisa laga ke baaz satrein zabardasti daal di gayien beech mein jaise MOAHBBAT WATAN KI MATTI BHI , kachey gharey se achanak watan pe aaye aur iss aik satar ke baad achanak hi doosri jaga pohanch gey, aap ko miltey hain 7 points, 4+3.

8- Pessimist:
parh ke mehsoos hua ke shayed aap ki pehli kaawish ho, gar aisa hai to umda hai. nazm mein alfaaz ki kami behad mehsoos hui, dhoka aur faraib aik hi mani rakhtey hain iss liye yahan pe aik hi khayaal ki takraar ho gayi, aakhri teen satrein parh ke mujhey systametic circulation sytem yaad aa gaya. aap alfaaz ke chunaao pe zara dhayaan dijye, aap ke paas takhayyul hai iss bus achha pehnaawa pehnaaney ki zaroorat hai. aap ko miltey hain 6 points. 4 +2.

9- :Qassim:
aap ki nazm mein sab kuch hai , mohabbat , takhayyul , rawani , mosiqi , magar aik yeh kami si mehsoo hui ke haseena achanak kahan se aa gayi, choonke us ne bhi jawab mein raja se mohabbat ki hi baat ki to shayed pehley kahee'n dekha ho , magar yeh achanak kaise aa gayi. aap ko miltey hain 9 points 5+4.

10- Quill:
aap ki nazm bhi bohat khoobsoorat hai , khayaalaat bohat umda hain, aur mohabbat ka taaruf bhi achha hai , magar aakhir mein kuch kami si mehsoos hui , ehtamaam ke qareeb aa ke achanak sab khatam hogaya. aap ko miltey hain 8.5 marks. 4+4.5.

11- Silentmotion:
bohat khoobsoorat nam likhi aap ne , magar yeh kahoo'n ga ke nazm mein lafz mohabbat kaheen nazar nahi aaya, nazm ki khayaal khoobsoorat hai aur rawaa'n bhi hai. aap ko miltey hain 8 points. 3.5+4.5.

**Aik Lamha** · #14 10-01-2006, 03:15 PM

Lijiye ji baqi ki markings....

6. withlove bhai

buhat achi nazm parhnay ko mili aap ki taraf se... buhat khoobsoorat alfaz aur buhat khoobsoorat ista'aray shamil heiN iss meiN ... .andaz-i-bayaN bhi khoob raha.. topic k hisab se to ye Nazm pooori tarhaaN diye gaye unwan ka ihata kerti hay.. so uss shoubay meiN tou hogaye aap k pooray 5 marks, doosray shoubay meiN kuch garbar ker beithay aap.. ji haaN Alfaz buhat khoob rahay.... laikin Nazm meiN rawani kayee jaga majrooh nazar ayee... kayee jaga wazan ki garbar bhi nazar ayee...isliye doosray shoubay meiN aap k marks huway 2.5
ya'ani aap ka total marks huway 5 + 2.5 = 7.5

Aik mashwara dena chahooNga k Nazm khusoosan iss qism ki nazm ko buhat taveel nahiNI hona chahiye...

7. Lucky Libra ji...
Aap ki nazm parhi... buhat achay khayalaat ka izhar kiya gaya hay aur Muhabbat k aik doosray hi pehloo ki nishandahi ki gayee hay.. buhat acha laga ye jaan ker k aap k takhayyul ki perwaz ghair riwayeti asmanouN tak hay

buhat khush rahiye.... Unwan k aap ko diye jatay heiN pooray marks. ya'ani 5.. aur aap k paas bhi yahi garbar hogayee k Nazm ki rawani sahi nahiN hay.. wazn ka bhi masla hay... kayee jaghouN per typing mistake bhi hay.. jaisay Arsh alif se nahiN Ain se ata hay, aur Rabiya Basra nahiN Rabiya Basri hay wo bhi Suaad se Basri, seen se nahiN...
laikin meiN to yahi kahooNga k sub se alag aur buhat umda kawish thi aap ki... doosray shoubay meiN aap ko miltay heiN 2 marks...
so aap k total marks huway 2 + 5 = 7

8. Pessimist ji
Buhat umdah kawish rahi aap ki bhi, aap nay muhabbat k kayee roop ka zikr buhat baysakhtagi se kiya.... unwan se acha khasa insaaf kiya hay so aap ko marks miltay heiN.. 4.5, doosray shoubay ya'ani andaz-i-bayaaN, rawani aur takhyul.. takhayul to yaqeenan paya jata hay laikin rawani buhat kam dekhnay meiN ayee.... andaz-i-bayan meiN bhi kafi behteri ki gunjayesh hay... so aap ko iss shoubay meiN miltay heiN 2 marks..

to aap k total marks huway 4.5 + 2 = 6.5

9. Qassim Bhai
Wah Qassim bhai.. zinda baad.. .buhat achi nazm likhi aap nay... aik zabardast novel likh diya nazm hi nazm meiN

Unwan k aitebaar se bhi aap ki nazm nay diye gaye Mozoo ka buhat khoobi se ihata kiya hay... laikin meiN samajhta hooN K iss meiN muhabbat ko jazbay k tour per nahiN bayan kiya gaya balkay muhabbat honay k manzar ko paish kiya gaya hay uss k ahsasat bayan kiye gaye heiN.... her soorat meiN ye nazm Muhabbat k unwan per hi hay.. so unwan k tou aap ko miltay heiN pooray 5 marks,
andaz-i-bayaaN k hawalay se meiN kahooNga k buhat hi marboot aur rawaN nazm hay... zahir hay aap jaisay pukhta kaar se issi baat ki tawaqo bhi hoti hay...laikin mujhay aik garbar lagee...agar QareeeN ki jaga qareeb ista'maal kertay to roz marra se zada qareeb hota... uss k ilawa waaN ab matrook lafz hay.. aur iss ka ista'amal go k jayez hay laikin mustehsan nahiN hay.. laikin overall aik buhat hi umdah aur buhat hi shandaaar kawish hay... jis ki jitni ta'areef ki jaye kam hay... doosray shoubay meiN aap ko miltay heiN 3.5
to aap k total marks huway 5 + 3.5 = 8.5

10. Quill Ji

Kia haal heiN Janab Quill Sahab? mera khayal hay k pehli dafa aap HG per kisi muqablay meiN hissa lay rahay heiN, laikin kia hi ghazab ki entry hay.. kia h i zabardast nazm lay ker aap shamil huway heiN... buhat buhat mubarak baad qabool kijiye hamari taraf se...
Unwan k aitbaaar se Nazm aap ki bilkul perfect hay.. so uss meiN to pooray 5 marks heiN
Andaz-i-bayaaN... kia kaha jaye sahab... itna khoobsoorat ... her misra rawaaN... zuban kahiN nahiN atki( bajuz 2 jaghouN k.. jin ka tazkira abhi kerta hooN)... takhyyul bhi kia hi judagana hay... waqayee buhat maza aya... aap ko iss shoubay meiN miltay heiN 4.5 marks
to aap k total marks huway 5 + 4.5 = 9.5
ab un 2 ghalatioN Ki taraf nishandahi kerdooN jin ka mujhay yaqeen hay taluq typing se hay... aik to line number 6 meiN likha hay
to wo gharoor aur tamkinat se aisay kuch aisay bolee, meri raye hay k iss mein pehlay wala aisay zayed hay ..

doosri garbar aakhri line meiN hay... jahaN likha hay

sehar zado paprioN ki soorat meiN dhal chukay thay, tou janab yahaN sehar zada hona chahiye....

Buhat khush rahiye...

11. SilentEmotions

Buhat umdah nazm likhi aap nay... buhat zabardast... Ghair mashroot Jazba-i-wafa per kia khoob roshni daali hay... buhat mubarakbaad qabool kijiye ....

Unwan k aitbaar se aap ki nazm diye gaye unwan k ain mutabiq nahiN rahi... jaisa mein nay pehlay arz kiya k iss mein Jazba-i-wafa ka tazkira zaroor hay laikin jazba-i-Muhabbat ko itna highlight nahiN kiya gaya jitna unwan honay k lihaaz se uss ka haq tha...

so unwan meiN miltay heiN aap ko 3.5 marks
Andaz-i-bayaaN buhat khoob raha.. mukhtasir nazmeiN agar apna poora paigham bhi dey deiN tou buhat hi khoobsoorat hoti haiN... aur aap ki nazm nay aisa hi kiya hay... buss kahiN kahiN wazan ki kami mahsoos huwi.... so andaz-i-bayaaN mein aap k marks heiN 3.5
so aap k total marks huway 3.5 + 3.5

Aakhir meiN, meiN saray members k huq mein dua kerta hooN k Alllah sub k qalam ki taqat meiN izafa karay.. aur achay se acha likhnay ki taufeeq aur himmat ata farmaye....

App sub saathioN ka buhat buhat shukriya k aap nay iss muqablay meiN shirkat ki... muqabla koi bhi jeetay.. asal jazba muqablay meiN shamil honay ka hota hay... so uss jazbay k izhar k hisab se aap sub hi hamari nazar mein winners heiN.. ummeed hay aap ki participation mustaqbil meiN bhi jaari rahay gi.... Ameen

Buhat khush rahiye
Allah Hafiz

**zain** · #15 10-01-2006, 08:12 PM

ASLAM O ALEKUM,
dosto bahot ma.azarat ke saath arz karna chaahata hoon ke chand aek na guzeer wajuhaat ki bina par main ziyaada wazaahat main baat naheen kar paoon ga,aor sirf mukhtasaran marks hi likh raha hoon,umeed karta hoon ke aap meri majboori ko samajhatey huye mehsoos naheen karain ge,

1: khaiyaal.......CHAHA T KI EK DOORI

aap ki nazam ka buniyaadi khayaal achha hai,lekin rbt aor rawaani ki khaasi kami hai is main,so aap ki nazam ko main de raha hoon......3+2=5

2: chariagy-aakhir-shab......."MOHUBBAT "

aap ki nazam main bhi pichhli baar ki tamaam ghaltiyon ko dohraaya gaya,khayaal uljha huwa,aor rawani main khaasi kami rahi,aor andaaz ziyada tar nasar ka hai,so aap ki is kaawish ko milte hain.....4+1=5 marks

3: Tariq Aziz......suna hai terey labon pe aakhir wo naam aaya

aap ki nazam achhi hai,aor alfaaz ka istamaal bhi aap khoob jaante hain,lekin is nazam main maozu ke aetabaar se tishnagi mehsoos huyi,aor nazam ujlat ka shikaar lagi mujhe,wazn bhi kaheen kaheen gar bar hai,agar aap thori si mazeed tawajah aor waqt dete to shaaid aek bahot achhi takhleeq saamane aati,beharhaal maojooda soorat main main aap ki is nazam ko deta hoon....3+3=6 marks

4: Filmsy......unwaan.. .(---------------)

aap ne muhabbat ka mafhoom bataati achhi nazam kahi,(go ke is nazam main koyi khaas khayaal,ya takhayul nazar naheen aata)aor doosari baat yeh hai ke bahot baar bataane ke baawajood bhi aap ne unwaan dena zaroori naheen samjha,so aap ki is nazam ko main de raha hoon,......1+3=4 marks

5: Haya n.....aseeraan-e-muhabbat

bahot khoob Haya,is baar bhi aap ne achhi nazam kahi,maozu,andaaz-e-bayaan,khayaal sab achha hai,agar kami hai to wazn ki,ke nazam main rawaani naheen hai,is tarf tawajah dene ki zaroorat hai,majmooyi tor par achhi nazam hai,aap ki nazam ko main deta hoon....5+3.5=8.5 marks

6: WithLove........hama in tum se muhabbat hai

bahot khoobsurat nazam kahi aap ne,aor aap ki nazam ko main deta hoon...5+4=9 marks

7: LuckyLibra.......... ..muhabbat

achhi koshish rahi aap ki bhi,lekin mere khayaal main nazam main khayaal uljha huwa hai,aor rawaani main bhi kami mehsoos huyi,aap ki nazam ko main deta hoon...5+3=8

8: pessimist..........M ohabbat kia hai

aap ki nazam bhi bahot achhi rahi,lekin abhi mazeed mehnat ki zaroorat beharhaal hai,aap ki nazam ko milte hain....5+3=8 marks

9: :Qassim:........(umw aan koshish ke bawajood mujhe kaheen nazar naheen aaya,aor aap jesey ba zaoq,aor shaairy ke asool-o-zawaabat se waaqfiyat rakhne waale shaair se is susti ki tawaqa naheen ki jaasakti)
beharhaal,....aap ki nazam ko main deta hoon......1+3.5=4.5 marks

10: Quill......muhabbat

aap ki nazam bhi bahot achhi hai,lekin namukamal hone ka aehsaas hota hai,so is ko main deta hoon....4.5+4=8.5

11: Silentmotions....... ........pyaar

aap ki nazam achhi hai,lekin diye gaye unwaan se kaafi hat kar mehsoos huyi mujhe,so is ko milte hain.....3+4=7 marks

bahot khush rahiye,aor best of luck.

**kanch ki mehroo** · #16 10-02-2006, 04:28 PM

1: khayal
sab say pehlay to dad daina chahooNgi Khaiyaal apko...itni achi nazam kehnay par....nazam ka khayal arachay acha hai magar diye gaye unwan par poora nahiN utarta...aur nazam maiN rawani ki bhi kami hai...so apki nazam ke points mere hisab say yeh haiN :

mozu = 2
andaz-e-bayaN = 2.5
total = 4.5

2: chariagy-aakhir-shab
aapne bhi itni achi nazam kahi...jiske liye yaqeenan mubarakbad apka haq hai...nazam ka khayal bohat acha hai..."muhabbat phir muhabbat hai"...magar nazam maiN rawani ki kami hai... apki nazam ke points huwe:

mozu = 3.5
andaz-e-bayaN = 3
total = 6.5

3: Tariq Aziz
aap bhi yaqeenan dad ke mustahiq haiN ke itni khubsoorat nazam kahi apne...bila shuba mujhe nazam pasand aai...khayal bhi khoob hai...magar...unwan say nisbat kuch kam si mehsoos huwi.... apki nazam ke points yeh haiN:

mozu = 2.5
andaz-e-bayaN = 4
total = 6.5

4: Filmsy
apne bhi aik achi nazam kahi so dad qubool kijiye...khayalat bhi achay haiN..magar rawani ki kami hai...magar umeed hai ke aap is mas'alay par bhi qabu pa laingay/gi....points daraj-e-zail haiN :

mozu = 3
andaz-e-bayaN = 3.5
total = 6.5

5: Haya N
Haya bhi yaqeenan dad ki mustahiq haiN itni khubsoorat nazam kehnay par... mujhe yeh nazam bohat pasand aai...mozu bhi bohat dilkash hai...khayalat bhi khoob haiN aur rawani bhi...v weldone Haya @};-.....nazam ke points yeh haiN :

mozu = 4
andaz-e-bayaN = 4
total = 8

6: WithLove
yaqeenan yeh bhi aik bohat dilkash nazam hai...jispar Withlove daad ke mustahiq haiN...agarchay nazam khasi taweel hai magar khayalat khoob haiN...mozu bhi acha hai..magar kahiN kahiN rawani ki kami mehsoos huwi...points yeh haiN:

mozu = 4
andaz-e-bayaN = 3.5
total = 7.5

7: LuckyLibra
apne bhi achi nazam kahi....dad qubool kijiye....khayalat ke to kiya hi kehnay...bohat khubsoorat khayalat say muzayyan nazam hai...magar flow aur rawani ki bohattt kami mehsoos huwi... apki nazam ke points hasb-e-zail haiN:

mozu = 3.5
andaz-e-bayaN = 3.5
total = 7

8: pessimist
aik achi nazam kehnay par ap bhi dad ke/ki mustahiq haiN...khayalat achay hain nazam ke...alfaz ka chunai bhi acha raha...magar rawani aur wazan waghaira ki kami dikhai di....apki nazam ke points yeh haiN:

mozu = 2
andaz-e-bayaN = 3
total = 5

9: :Qassim:
aik interesting aur khubsoorat nazam kehnay par aap dad ke mustahiq haiN....nazam parh kar khasa lutf aaya...pariyoN ke dais ki kahani jaisi ... alfaz ka chunao bohat khubsoorat...rawani bhi...mozu bharpoor akkasi karti huri nazam........points kuch yooN haiN...

mozu = 4
andaz-e-bayaN = 4.5
total = 8.5

10 : Quill
yaqeeeenannnn...bayh addd dilkash nazam kahi aapne...bohat si daad ke mustahiq haiN aap...bohat hat kar likhi gaii nazam mujhe bohat pasand aai....points yeh haiN:

mozu = 4.5
andaz-e-bayaN = 5
total = 9.5

11: Silentmotions
bohat khubsoorat nazam kahi aapne...bohat si dad apke liye ..... nazam agarchay mukhtasir hai magar khayalat bohat achay haiN...points kuch yooN haiN:

mozu = 3.5
andaz-e-bayaN = 4
total = 7.5

aap sab sathiyoN ki shirkat ka bohat shukriya...n best of luck 2 all @};-
khush rahiye

Urdu Poetry Forum

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