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Welcome to Urdu Community & Poetry/Shayari Forum
This is a discussion on Raye shumari baraye muqabla-e-ghazal goi.. March-08 within the Urdu Poet Club forums, part of the Urdu Poetry category; is maah muqabla-e-tarahi ghazal k liye Poets Club ki khubsoorat shayera Kanawl Hussain ka jo misra dia gaya, woh tha; ...
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#1
03-23-2008, 11:26 AM
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 is maah muqabla-e-tarahi ghazal k liye Poets Club ki khubsoorat shayera Kanawl Hussain ka jo misra dia gaya, woh tha; humaray bakht k taray zameeN pe aa k rahay.. humaray mu'aziz sh'ora ne apni khubsoorat kawishat k sath muqablay maiN shirkat ki...hum un tamam sathiyoN k shukr guzar haiN.. muqablay k nataaij ka ailaan inshAllah 1st April. ko hoga...faisla judges k marks ki bunyad par kia jayega.. judges say guzarish hai k woh 31st march tak humaiN apni qeemti raye say aagah kar daiN.. humaray mu'aziz judges k naam yeh haiN; Sohail Malik, Anis Hasan, Aatif Saeed, Zehrab, Mehtab, saahir, Kanch ki Mehroo & WanderingThoughts Saraabs sahab ne chuNkay is bar conetst meiN hisa liya hy so inheN is bar judges panel meiN shamil nahiN kiya ja raaha... Evalutaion ka criteria yeh hai: Behr aur Wazn = 4 andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 6 total marks = 10 muqablay maiN shamil ghazliyat yeh haiN; 1: Mukhshif Note: is thread meiN Judges k ilawa kisi bhi member ki taraf se ki gai post delete kar di jaye gi! ------------------------------------------- 2: mobi91 humaray bakht ke taaray zameeN pe aa kay rahe sabhi inaam tumhaaray zameeN pe aa kay rahe humeiN jo log thay pyare falak pe jaatay rahe tujhe jo log thay pyare zameeN pe aa kay rahe kahiN jo zulf ghani ho kabhi jo chehra diya laga ke tere ishaare zameeN pe aa kay rahe koi khata hui humse ke ik zamana hua tabhise humse bechaaray zameeN pe aa kay rahe qashish hai is mein koi, seher tak jo jaaga raha dikha,farishtay yeh saaray zameeN pe aa kay rahe farhaad-o-qais thay, ik waqt meer aur ghalib tamaam ishq ke maare zameeN pe aa kay rahe? falak ka shola hai har roz jalta hai, maana faqat ik roz guzaray, zameeN pe aa kay rahe nazar mein aaya hai jabse woh phool, andaleeb kay sukhan mein naqsh utaaray zameeN pe aa kay rahe mudabbar, suna hai kal ke meri jaan ka dushman, main jaauN uske bhi waare, zameeN pe aa kay rahe ----------------------------------------------- 3: Saraabs کسے نصیب کہ دنیا میں مسکرا کے رہے یہ وہ مقام ہے جو خوں رلا رلا کے رہے بڑا تھا ناز ہمیں اپنے ضبط پر لیکن جہاں کے ظلم تو اس کو بھی آزما کے رہے ہمیں سکون تھا برباد ہو کے رہنے میں سو اپنے ہاتھ سے ہم آشیاں جلا کے رہے سنا تھا عشق کی تا ثیر تو مسلم ہے سو ہم بھی راہ میں پلکیں سدا بچھا کے رہے بس ایک بار اٹھایٔ نظر تو تھی یہ سزا تمام عمر نگاہوں کو پھر جھکا کے رہے انا کی ہار ہویٔ اور قسم بھی ٹوٹ گیٔ ہوا نہ کیا کیا، مگر اس کے پاس جا کے رہے عطاۓ ظلم اداۓ جنوں کو راس آ یٔ وہ سنگ اٹھا کے رہے، ہم بھی زخم کھا کے رہے تمام عمر جفاؤں کا سامنا ہو گا سراب! آپ جو خوگر یونہی وفا کے رہے ---------------------------------------------------- 4: Farid Nawaz Ashkoon ke gohar ankh se barsaa ke rahee aaee dard-e-hijar dekh kiya lutaa ke rahee ye jantee huwee bhi ke tu ba wafaa nahi aaee omer tera sath mager nibha ke rahee bujha ke zehir meen ju hadson ne rakhe the wo teer hans ke kalejee pe hum kha ke rahee raza-e-dost ka jab se samajh liya mafhoom hayat o moot ke israr logoo pa ke rahee paraa ju waqat tu yaron ne pheer li ankheen paraee apnee sabhi hum azmaa ke rahee meen ne kaghaz pe kyee naqsh banee lakin teri surat ko takhul meen chupaa ke rahee kahen daghon ka tabasum,kaheen zakhmon ki bahar hamaree bakhat ke taree zameen pe aa ke rahee pasand ayaa he iss tarah dushmanoo ka khaloos nawaz dost bhi dushman abb bana ke rahee --------------------------------------------- 5: smily anju  ------------------------------------------- 6: Haya n  --------------------------------------- 7: bazeecha-e-gham zinda rahay wohi log jo pyar paa k rahay kia paya ger ishq main na sub luta k rahay irada tha k dil main kuch na sajayen gay hum lekin woh derd se dil mera sajaa k rahay gerdish-e-ayam ko laakh rokna chaha hum ne lekin wasl k baad hijr k din aa k rahay gulshan se soo-e-dasht hum nikal paray phir gulshan k rahay na dasht-o-sehra k rahay dil-e-veeran main veerani akhir kab tak koi to is dil main gher bana k rahay ab tak kaisay guzri yeh mat pooch Majid dil humain , hum dil ko behlaa k rahay ---------------------------------------- 8: farhan85  ---------------------------------------- 9: Amirmuaan nigah-e-naaz se apna mujhay bana k rahay khayal-o-khwb main sapna naya saja k rahay main naaz kerta to kaisay teri mohabbat per k mairay hath main sikkay sada jafa k rahay nahin hai fasl-e-gul-e-lala pe kuch bhi moqoof bus aik shoula ye sari fasal jala k rahay wajood tera behalta na tha khilon se banay khilona sajan tujh ko phir hunsa k rahay nigah-e-naaz se daikha tha is terha tou ne ye zeest apni teray naam pe lutta k rahay ye dunya piyar ki dushman hai piyar lout-ti hai so teray sath naya ik nagar basa k rahay humain kamal koi kis terha se mill pata humaray bakht k taray zameen pe aa k rahay banay ho yaas ki tasveer kis liye aakhir muaan tum to zamanay main sir utha k rahay ------------------------------------------- khush rahiye HG Administration.
__________________  . . . Mere dil.. Mere musaafir..! Last edited by WanderingThoughts; 03-28-2008 at 12:07 PM.        |
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#2
03-26-2008, 10:21 PM
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As-salam-o-alaikum, marking k sath hazir huN, waqt ki kami k ba'is waqtan fa-waqtan marking krta rahuN ga. 1: Mukhshif sab se pehli tehreer hy Hamid bhai ki, to jnab aap ki ghazal meiN khyalat bohat munfarid thy, jo k aik achi ghazal ka khasa hota hy... andaaz-e-bayaN acha hy, alfaaz ka istamal bhi khoob hy, mager abhi behr aur wazn k hawaly se behteri ki kafi gunja'ish hy, sath hi sath rawani ki bhi kami mehsoos hui... aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN: Behr aur Wazn = 1 andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 3.5 total marks = 4.5 ---------------------------------------------- 2: mobi91 dusri kawish hy Mudabbar bhai ki, to jnab aap ki kawish bhi khoob rahi, matla-e-sani to aap ne khoob hi kaha... bohat umda hy.. sirf aik lafz change ho ja'ay to sheir bohat umda ho ja'ay ga, k "hamaiN" k sath "tujhy" ki baja'ay "tumhaiN" istamal ho to mozuN rehta hy, alfaaz ka istamal aap ne bhi khob kiya, shuru k sheroN meiN to rawani aur behr khoob rhai, lekin farhaad waly sheir (6th) aur is se agly sheroN meiN kahiN kahiN wazn aur rawani meiN masla mehsoos hua... kuch sheroN meiN radeef sahi trha nibh nahiN paya aur maani k hawaly se tashnagi si mehsoos hui... overall aik achi ghazal rahi.. aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN: Behr aur Wazn = 2.5 andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 3.5 total marks = 6 ---------------------------------------------- 3: Saraabs saraabs bhai aap ki ghazal bhi achi rhai, khas kr maqta bohat umda kaha aap ne, lekin akser sheroN meiN us khas sheri berjastgi ki kami nazer aaei jo aik sheir k acha hony aur dil ko chu jany k li'ay zuroori hoti hy... behr aur wazn k hawaly se ghazal mukamal hy mager andaz-e-bayaN pr kuch mazeed ghor krny se ghazal meiN bohat behtri la'ei ja skti thi... aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN: Behr aur Wazn = 4 andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4 total marks = 8 ---------------------------------------------- 4: Farid Nawaz Farid bhai aap ki ghazal paRh kr aik khushi is baat ki kui k aap meiN qudarti tor pr thythm paya jata hy jo k aap k akser sheroN se zahir hota hy, yani kuch sheroN meiN sirf aik do lafzoN k izafy se sher wazn meiN aa ja'ay. go k abhi ye ghalati tasawur ho ga, mager aaeinda k liay ye bat shayad aap ko faida de saky, aap ka sheir hy: bujha ke zehir meen ju hadson ne rakhe the wo teer hans ke kalejee pe hum (bhi) kha ke rahee misra-e-sani meiN sirf aik lafz ('bhi' ya 'to') baRhany se sheir wazn meiN aa gya, sheir k matlab k mutabiq aap is jaga koi sa word laga sakty haiN. isi trha kuch aur sheiroN meiN bhi aik aadh lafz ki kami se wazn mutasir ho raha hy... dusry sheir ka khyal bohat munfarid aur umda hy... majmoi tor pr aap ki ghazal meiN takhayul, alfaz ka istamal aur andaz-e-bayaN khoob hy, wazn aur rawani k hawaly se mehnat ki zuroorat hy. aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN: Behr aur Wazn = 2 andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 3.5 total marks = 5.5 ---------------------------------------------- 5: smily anju smily sahiba aap ki ghazal bhi khayal aur lafaz k istamal k hawaly se khoob rahi, magar ghazal meiN rawani, aur wazn ki kami rahi... aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN: Behr aur Wazn = 1 andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 3 total marks = 4 ---------------------------------------------- 6: Haya n ----------------------------------------------bari aati hy Haya Sahiba ki ghazal ki, is ghazal meiN aik to ye k radeef kuch taweel muntakhib kia gya tha jisy baqi sheir k sath nibhana qadry mushkil hota hy. aur yahi hua, aap ki ghazal k akser sheroN meiN radeef apny matlab nahin raha... jis ki waja se sheroN ka husn mutasir ho raha hy, aur maani k hawaly se abham paida ho raha hy. wesy deegar pehu'oN k hawaly se ghazal achi hy yani behr, wazn, rwani aur alfaz ka sitamal... aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN: Behr aur Wazn = 4 andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4 total marks = 8 7: bazeecha-e-gham ----------------------------------------------aap ki ghazal meiN alfaaz ka istaamal acha hua hy, sheiroN k khyaal bhi umda haiN... lekin wazn, rawani aur andaaz-e-bayaN k hawaly se abhi bohat behtri ki zuroorat hy... aap ki kuch extra twaju is ghazal meiN bohat behtri laa sakti hy... aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN: Behr aur Wazn = 1 andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 3 total marks = 4 8: farhan85 Farhan bhai aap ki kawish bhi qaabil-e-staish hy, aap ki ghazal meiN bhi alfaz ka istamal khoob raha, aur khyalaat bhi umda haiN... kuch misroN meiN rawani aur andaz-e-bayaN bohat khubsurat hy mager majmoi tor pr dekheN to in chezoN ki kami nazer aati hy... wazn aur rhythm k hawaly se bhi improvement ki zuroorat hy... aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN: Behr aur Wazn = 1.5 andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 3 total marks = 4.5 ---------------------------------------------- 9: Amirmuaan Amir bhai aap ki ghazal bohat khoob rahi... aik do sheroN ko nikaal kr baqi sheroN meiN wazn aur rawani khoob hy, alfaz ka istamal bhi umda hy. lekin 3rd sheir ka pehla misra wazn k hawaly se tawaju chahta hy, aur dusry misry meiN aap ne lafz istamal kiya "fasal", urdu meiN is lafz ka durust talafuz "fasl" hota hy, ghazal k rhythm meiN ye misra paRheN to ye lafz "fasal" hi paRha ja raha hy jo k ghalati tasawur ho ga. aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN: Behr aur Wazn = 3.5 andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4 total marks = 7.5 ---------------------------------------------- dua-go Faizan Ahmad.
__________________ tu na jadoN paas channaN! key ay saady paas way, din vi udaas saady, rataaN vi udaas way, luT gya chain sadaa, rus gye hassay way, khushiaN ny dur nssiaN... akhaN cham cham wssiaN!!! Last edited by WanderingThoughts; 04-01-2008 at 04:37 AM. |
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#3
03-28-2008, 08:43 AM
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Assalam o alaekum aik baat jo muntazemeen say arz kerna chahoN ga woh yeh hay keh tarah ka miSra detay huay kahiN qafiay aur radeef ka ziker nahiN kia gaya (kam az kam mujhay to nazar nahiN aya) jis ki wajah say logoN nay qafia radeef apni marzi say chuna aur yuN ghazloN ka mawazna kerna ghair fitri ho gaya. meri nazer maiN shurkaey muqabilah ki karkerdegi ki buniyaad per marking zel maiN hay. is martaba achhay likhnay waloN ki jaanib say bhi bayan ki kamzori kalaam maiN nazer aati rehi aur chand ashaar kay ilaawah baaqi ashaar maiN kuch nah kuch buniyaadi naqaeS mojud rehay. is ki aik wajah zameen ka mushkil hona bhi hay. 'zameeN peh aa kay rehay' to mushkil hay hi laikin sirf 'kay rahay' nibhana bhi aasan nahiN aur is maiN bhi logoN nay ghalatiaN ki haiN. 1. Mukhshif 1 + 2 = 3 2. Mobie 3 + 3.5 = 6.5 3. Saraabs 3.5 + 3.5 = 7 4. Farid Nawaz 2 + 3 = 5 5. Smily anju 1 + 2 = 3 6. Haya 3.5 + 3.5 = 7 7. bazeecha e gham 1 + 2 = 3 8. Farhan 1 + 2.5 = 3.5 9. Amirmuaan 3 + 3.5 = 6.5 khair andesh sohail malik
__________________ Sohail Malik Last edited by sohailmalik64; 03-28-2008 at 01:34 PM. |
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#4
03-28-2008, 12:27 PM
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Quote:
 nazer aa'ay ga. isy press kreN to do links mazeed show hoty haiN, is meiN se direct link ko use kreN to image display ho jata hy.maiN Sohail Sahab se request kruN ga k wo Furqan sahab ki ghazal pr bhi marking kr deN... ta'kay results complie krny meiN asani rahy...
__________________ tu na jadoN paas channaN! key ay saady paas way, din vi udaas saady, rataaN vi udaas way, luT gya chain sadaa, rus gye hassay way, khushiaN ny dur nssiaN... akhaN cham cham wssiaN!!! |
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#5
03-29-2008, 04:52 AM
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Ye sahi hey ke tarah detey huey Qafia aur radeef ka zikr naheen kiya gaya...lekin thori si tawaja di jaaey tow saaf dikhaai dey ga ke kon sa sahi qafai aur radeef hey. Jin shora ney "zameeN pe aa ke rahey" ko use kiya hey un ke akser ashaar ke alfaz tow khubsoorat hein lekin muaani bilkul mohmil hein. Mujhey Sohail saheb ki is baat sey bhi ittefaq hey ke kayee bohat achey shora ney kuch ashaar mein wazan aue behar per ziyada tawajuh naheen di...shayad waqt ki kami is ka baec ho. Meri adna raaey mein marking kuch yun hey: Mukhshif: 3 Mobi 91: 4 Sarabs: 7.5 Farid Nawaz 3 Smile Anju 3 Haya N: 6 Bazeecha-e gham: 2 Farhan: 2 AmirMuan: 7 Khahsar Qamar (Zehrab)
__________________ Kyun Teri Chashm-e mast ka ehsaaN uthaaiye Zehrab-e may sey ho gham-e hasti ager ghalat |
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#6
03-29-2008, 09:11 AM
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Assalam-o-Alaikum, Is baar misra-e-tarah ki zameen kuch tu dushwaar thi hi aur kuch saathion nay radeef ko tabdeel kar kay usay mazeed mushkil bana liya jis kay baaic aksar ashaar ibhaam ka shikar ho gaey. Tamam shurka ki takhleeqat ko mad-e-nazar rakhtay huay meri nacheez raey mein marks kuch youn bantay hain. 1. Mukhshif 1 + 2.5 = 3.5 2. Mobi 91 3 + 3 = 6 3. Saraabs 4 + 3.5 = 7.5 4. Farid Nawaz 2 + 2 = 4 5. Smily anju 1 + 2 = 3 6. Haya n 4 +3.5 = 7.5 7. Bazeecha-e-gham 1 + 2 = 3 8. Farhan 85 1 + 2 = 3 9. Amirmuaan 3 +3.5 = 6.5 Khair Andesh. Anis Hasan |
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#7
03-31-2008, 05:49 AM
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Quote:
Haya Saaheba nay aik ehm baat ki taraf tawajju mabzul kerwaee hay aur maiN un ki taeed maiN kuch baataeN aap sab say kerna chahuN ga. tarhi ghazal maiN kuch baatoN ka khayaal rekhna zaruri hota hay jin maiN aik baat yeh bhi hay keh miSra e tarah ko kaisay istemaal kia gaya hay aur girah kaisay lagayee gayee hay. marking kertay huay shaer ko achee girah laganay per is ka faedaa dia jaata hay aur tarah ka miSra istemaal nah kerna waala nuqSaan uThaata hay. laikin is say pehlay jis cheez ki maiN nay nishaandehi ki hay woh miSra e tarah kay radeef aur qafiay ko wazeh kernay ki ehmiet hay. ager yeh wazeh nah kiay jaeN to likhnay waala apni marzi say in ka intikhaab ker laita hay jaisa keh is muqabilay maiN hua. behter to yeh hay keh qafiay aur radeef kay saath aSal sher jis say miSra e tarah lia gaya hay mukamal day dia jaey aur ager behr bhi bayaan ker di jaey to naey likhnay waloN kay liay is maiN bhi aasaani ho jaey gi. yahaN tarhee miSra tha 'hamaray bakht kay taaraay zameeN peh aa kay rehay' is miSray maiN ager bataya nah jaey to qafia zail maiN say koee bhi ho sakta hay aur radeef us kay mutabiq bakht taaray zameeN aa rahay isi wajah say kuch logoN nay 'taaray' ko qafia lia hay aur kuch nay 'aa' ko. Haya saaheba nay girah achee lagayee hay aur pehlay 3 ashaar ko acha nibhaya hay laikin baad kay ashaar maiN woh 'zameeN peh aa kay rehay' ko Saheeh nibha nahiN sakeeN jis ki wajah say un kay number kam huay. jabkeh deeger kuch dostoN nay girah naheeN lagayee aur us kay namber kam huay laikin deeger ashaar maiN nisbeten behter terz e bayaan ka faedah uThaya. wasalam sohail malik
__________________ Sohail Malik |
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#8
03-31-2008, 12:18 PM
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Haya saheba nay jis baat ki taraf tawajah dialee hai woh nukta meray zehan mein bhi tha aur jin doston nay misra-e-tarah ko istemal nahin kiya tu marking mein is cheez ko mad-e-nazar rakha gaya hai. Jaisa keh main nay marking waali post mein bhi kaha tha keh kuch shurka nay jin mein Haya saheba bhi shamil thein radeef ko "zameen pay aa kay rahay" rakh kay zameen apnay liyay aur dushwar bana li thi aur kuch ashaar kay ilawa baqi ashaar mein woh isay khush asloobi say na nibha sakein jis kay baaic un kay marks kum huay. Sohail bhai nay bikul durust nishan dahi ki hai keh keh misra-e-tarah kay radeef aur qafiyay ko poori tarah say wazeh kiya jaana chahiyay ta keh koyee ibhaam na rahay. Anis Hasan |
Raye shumari baraye muqabla-e-ghazal goi.. March-08 
