Muqabla - Raye shumari baraye muqabla-e-ghazal goi... Jan-08

**kanch ki mehroo** · #1 01-21-2008, 06:33 PM

is maah muqabla-e-tarahi ghazal k liye jo misra dia gaya, woh tha;

phooloN ki tamanna thi magar khaar milay haiN..

humaray mu'aziz sh'ora ne apni khubsoorat kawishat k sath muqablay maiN shirkat ki...hum un tamam sathiyoN k shukr guzar haiN..

muqablay k nataaij ka ailaan inshAllah 1st Feb. ko hoga...faisla judges k marks ki bunyad par kia jayega.. judges say guzarish hai k woh 31st Jan. tak humaiN apni qeemti raye say aagah kar daiN.. humaray mu'aziz judges k naam yeh haiN;

Sohail Malik, Sahir, Kanch ki Mehroo, Mehtab & WanderingThoughts

muqablay maiN shamil ghazlaiN darj-e-zail haiN;

1: Amirmuaan

nafrat k beej botay jahan yar milay hain
sookhay wahan bahar main ashjar milay hain

badla jo wafaon ka daitay thay jafa se
aina deekhaya to sharamsar milay hain

is dunya ki tareef bhala kaisay karain hum
hur gah jahan hum ko gunahgar milay hain

patay hain jo hur roz naya pusht pe ik zakhm
wallah baray khoob humain yar milay hain

kehtay hain ibadat main kahan ghrz ka jazba
zahid sabhi janat k talabgar milay hain

saincha tha gulistan ko kiun apnay lahoo say
gul aur ko milay hain humain khar milay hain

kis pe wahan bharosa karain tou bata muaan
yaron k bhais main jahan aghyar milay hain

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2: cute mary

SURAJ SE TARE KHUD SE HAMKINAR MILE HAIN
MEHFIL MAIN HUMKO SARE GHAM KHWAR MILE HAIN

BHULEIN TU BHALA KESE TUMHE BHOLJAIN HUM
HATHOUN KI LAKEROUN MAIN INTEZAR MILE HAIN

AAI THI BARI FIKR SE GULSHAN KO MITANE
AB KI KHIZA_N KO GUL NAHI SIRF KHAR MILE HAIN

HATHOUN MAIN CHURIYU_N KO SAJANA FUZOL HAI
HUM KO TU JUDAI K GHANE HAAR MILE HAIN

BICHRE THE IS KHAYAL SE K PAS PAS HAIN
MANZIL PE MAGR DONOUN HI BEZAAR MILE HAIN

SHAYAD MUJHE YAQEE_N HAI MUHABAT PE JABHI TU
MUJHSE HI AKER SARE TALABGAAR MILE HAIN

WO ISQADER NASEEB KA MARA HAI DOSTOU_N
ROTE HUE USI SE MADADGAR MILE HAIN

MAYUS HUGAI HUN MAIN US K WAJOOD SE
IS SHEHER MAIN US K SABHI HAQDAR MILE HAIN

KYU_N CHORNE LAGI HUN MAIN DUNYA KI MEHFILE
BUJHTE CHIRAGH MUJH KO KYU_N HER BAR MILE HAIN

YEH KIA HUGYA HAI ZAFAR MERI SOCH KO
KIA ANDHERI RAH MAIN DYE BEKAR MILE HAIN????

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3: land of sorrow

Phoolon ki tamanna thi khaar mily hain

matt poch hamain kaisy yaar mily hain

bahaar to kisi or ka mukadder thahri

hamain to bass sookhy ashjaar mily hain

wo to gum hain ronk_e_jahan main

jheelny ko hamain dukh hazaar mily hain

un k husn_e_salook ka kia tumse kahain

jabb be mily maanind talwaar mily hain

tary diwany hoo gaeye her shaher k log

ham jahan be gaeye aghyaar mily hain

dost,muhabbat,khushi sab bewafa nikly

ik gham hain jo hamain wafadar mily hain

ZINDGI se jabb be mily ham RASHAD

her rooz naeye dukh tayyaar mily hain

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4: Mujahid Khan

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5: awarah007

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6: Stubborn Lioness

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7: silent wishes

khush hum tho bohot thay ke hamaiN yaar milay haiN
maloom nahi tha ke jafakaar milay haiN

Allah m'ri qom ka ab thoo hi bhala ker
hum jesay tho iss qom ko me'maar milay haiN

haq keliay jis ne ki nahi jaan ki parva
phir aag maiN unhee ho tho gulzaar milay haiN

apnoN ki riwayat rahi mushkil maiN hi chorra
har baar madad ko hamaiN aghyaar milay haiN

ho tum bhi jafaagar tho karaiN kis pe bharosa
tum se tho bohot hum ko wafadaar milay haiN

ab dhooNd ke laaye bhi koi uss ko kaheiN se
warna tho sabhi uss ke talabgaar milay haiN

manoos sa lagta hai bhala kioN yehi chehraa
lagtaa hai kabhi in se tho ek baar milay haiN

zakhmooN ko m'ray dekh ke khil jatay haiN yeh log
khud soch mujay kesey yeh ghamkhaar milay haiN

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8: Saraabs

Har roz basad-shouq sar-e-daar milay haiN
Ham se koi mujrim kabhi sarkaar milay haiN?

Jalnay na dia ham ne nasheman kabhi un ka
Jo aag lagatay huay har baar milay haiN

Ek lehza hi kafi tha sar-e-jalwa-e-janaaN
Ye zeest ke ayyaam bhi baikaar milay haiN

Paththar ke sanam biktay to rotay nahiN ham log
Rotay haiN ke biktay huay fankaar milay haiN

Aye chara garo! ham se adawat hai ye kaisi?
Marham ke libaday maiN bhi azaar milay haiN

Ek dukh ke saja reh gaya is dil ki dukaaN per
Bazar maiN sab sukh ke khareedaar milay haiN

Ek umr ki tareeki bhi mujh per nahiN bhaari
Ek pal maiN tere rukh se wo anwaar milay haiN

Masroof haiN sab auroN pe tanqeed maiN paiham
Aayeenay se dochar to do, chaar milay haiN

ApnoN ki jafa chHoR Saraab! is pe nazar kar
Ye pyaar ke jis se tujhay aghyaar milay haiN

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9: Zain

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10: m a natiq

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11 - faridnawaz

Bebaak tabiyat dil-e-khudar milee heen
fitrat see hameen ishq ke miyar milee heen

aab jins-e-wafa hee na kaheen jins-e-muhabat
hum jab bhi gayee band yee bazar milee heen

rodad-e-khaloos-e-dil-e-ahbab aree tubaa
ik aik se badrh hamen ghamkhwar milee heen

AEE DOST KAHAN JAYEE WO SOKHTA JAAN JISKO
PHOLON KI TAMANA THI MAGER KHAR MILE HEEN

tamazat aftab-e-zindagi see hoo chuki rukhsat
abhi tak loog zeer saya-e- diwar milee heen

ye dor-e-kam nazar ke parsa bhi ik tamasha heen
uthayee sar par bar-e-jabah o dastar milee heen

jinhen majzob kehte heen hakikat meen wohi insan
chupa ke apnee dil meen dulat-e-bedar milee heen

wo kiya kareen ge pursash-e-ehwal ahle gham!
jo loog khud hi hirs ohawas ka shikar milee heen

hamaree bakht bhi jageen ge nawaz ik rooz
isee fareeb meen hum zindagi guzar chalee heen

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Note: yeh thread sirf judges k liye lagai gai hai, so guzarish hai k Judges k ilawa koi bhi member is thread maiN post na karay, ghair-mutaliqa post ko delete kar diya jaye ga...

khush rahiye
HG Administration.

**sohailmalik64** · #2 01-28-2008, 02:30 PM

Azeez Dosto

Muqabila ghazal ki marking hazir hay

nayay aur puranay sab dostoN kay ashaar dekhnay ko millay. Kuch ashaar maiN pukhta soch aur umdah terz e bayaan nazar aya jabkeh kuch dost abhi seekhnay kay ibtibaee marahil maiN dikhaee diyay. nayay seekhnay waloN ko mera mashwera hay keh woh pukhta kaar shueraa ka kalaam tawajuh say peRha keraiN aur sawalaat bhi puch keraiN kiunkeh seekhnay ka safer mehnet aur lagan chahta hay.

Zen aur saraab bhaee ki ghazlaiN teqreeban ham pallah theeN laikiN phir saraab ki ghazal ko mazameen kay tanawo aur is ghazal kay behter terz e bayan ki wajah say foqiet di.

tafSeeli nateejah derj e zel hay ( structure + content)

1. Amirmuaan 3+2.5 = 5.5
2. Cute Marry 2.5+2.0 = 4.5
3. Land of sorrow 1.5+2 = 3.5
4. Mujahid khan 4+3.5 = 7.5
5. Awarah 1.5 + 2.0 = 3.5
6. Stubborn lioness 2+ 2.5 = 4.5
7. Silent wishes 4+ 3.5 = 7.5
8. Saraabs 4.5 + 4.5 = 9.0
9. Zen 4.5+4 = 8.5
10. m a natiq 2+2 = 4
11 Farid Nawaz 3+3.5 = 6.5

sab dostoN kay liay nek tamanaeN

sohail malik

**WanderingThoughts** · #3 01-31-2008, 07:52 PM

As-salam-o-alaikum dosto!

marking k sath hazir huN, aur ye dekh kr bohat khushi ho rahi hy k is bar bhi hmeiN bohat sa acha kalaam paRhny ko mila hy...

meri ra'ay k mutabiq shurakaa ki takhleeqat ko derj zail marks milty haiN:

1- amirmuaan

Amir sahab aap ki gahzal khoob rahi, kuch sheroN meiN rawani ki kami mehsoos ho rahi hy, alfaz ka istamal acha hy aur tamam ashaar takhayul k eitbar se umda haiN... wazn k hawaly se derj-zail ashaar tawaju talab haiN

nafrat k beej botay jahan yar milay hain
sookhay wahan bahar main ashjar milay hain

badla jo wafaon ka daitay thay jafa se
aina deekhaya to sharamsar milay hain

gul aur ko milay hain humain khar milay hain

kis pe wahan bharosa karain tou bata muaan
yaron k bhais main jahan aghyar milay hain

in ashaar k elawa sabhi sheroN ko paRh kr bohat acha laga, esa mehsoos hota hy k aap ki tabiat meiN qudarti rawani mojud hy, bas auzan pr aur rawani pr kuch tawa ki zuroorat hy...

Behr aur Wazn = 2
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 5

total marks = 7

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2: cute mary

maria sahiba aap ki kawish bhi kaei hawaloN se khoob rahi, ap k misroN ko paRh kr bhi mehsoos hota hy k aap meiN quderti rhythm mojud hy, ager aap mehnat jari rakheN to rawani ki is thoRi bohat kami ko dur kr sakti haiN... behr k hawaly se dekha ja'ay to aap ki ghazal k akser sheroN k dusry misry to usi behr meiN haiN, jis behr meiN msira-e-terha tha, pr in sheroN k pehly misry aik aur behr k haiN... so la-shaoori tor pr aap ne do behroN meiN aik sheir kaha hy... khush-aaeind bat ye hy k ap ba-wazn shairi kr sakti haiN, sirf kuch tawaju aur mashq ki zuroorat hy...

Behr aur Wazn = 2
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4

total marks = 6

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3- land of sorrow

Land of sorrow sahib aap ki ghazal meiN bhi takhayul to khoob hy, andaz-e-bayaN bhi acha hy bas rawani ka masla hy mager aik baat ye k aap ne misra-e-terha thek nahiN likha, aik lafz kam hy is meiN, lehaza misry ka wazn thek nahi raha aur ye ghalati aakhri sheir tak nazer aa rahi hy... so is janib tawaju ki zuroorat hy... aap k liay mashwara hy k aap baRy shoara k kalam pr ghor kreN aur mashq jari rakheN...

Behr aur Wazn = 1
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 3

total marks = 3

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4- Mujahid Khan

Mujahid bhai aap ne bohat achi gahzal kahi, rawani khoob hy, sirf aik do sheroN meiN aik adh lafz ki waja se rukawat mehsoos hoti hy... yani pehly sheir meiN lafz "gharaz" ko aap ne "gharz" likha hy, aur 5th sheir meiN "gham aNmbar" ko rawani meiN paRheN to sher ka husn mutasir hota hy... wesy majmoi tor pr aap ki kawish khoob rahi...

Behr aur Wazn = 3.5
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4.5

total marks = 8

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5- aawara007

Sohail sahab aap ki ghazal takhayul k lehaz se khoob hy, mager rawani k lehaz se behteri ki kafi gunja'ish nikalti hy, alfaaz ka istamal acha kiya hy aap ne, aur andaz-e-bayaN k hawaly se bhi kuch behteri derkaar hy, misra likhty waqt khyal rakha kreN k lafzoN ki tarteeb aisi ho k misra baRhty waqt rukna na paRy... mashq jari rakheN...

Behr aur Wazn = 1
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4

total marks = 5

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6- Stubborn Lioness

Neha Sahiba aap ki ghazal paRh kr bhi is bat ki khushi hoti hy k aap meiN bhi quderti rhythm mojud hy... aap ki ye salahiat mustaqbil meiN aap k liay bohat faida mand sabit ho gi... is ghazal ko dekheN to kaei misry wazn meiN nahiN haiN... mager sheroN meiN tahkayaul aur alfaz ka istamal acha hy, mashq krti raheN aur behteri ki safar jari rakheN...

Behr aur Wazn = 2
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 5

total marks = 7

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7- silent wishes

ji Ihsan bhai, aap ki ghazal paRh kr khush-gawar ehsas hua, bohat acha likhty haiN aap, aik bat kehna chahuN ga k akser sha'ir k sath ye masla rehta hy k aik khayl ko do misroN meiN is andaz meiN qaid kreN k wo khyal nikar kr wazeh ho ja'ay... aap mujhy kuch sheroN meiN isi masly se do'char nazer aa'ay... lekin aap ki ghazal majmoi tor pr bohat umda rahi... bas youNhi behter se behtreen ki tarf safar jari rakheN...

Behr aur Wazn = 4
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4.5

total marks = 8.5

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8- Saraabs

ab bari aati hy sarabs bhai ki ghazal ki, to jnab aap ki ghazal majmoi tor pr shandar rahi, sirf 5th sheir meiN bayan k hawaly se kami mehsoos hui, k pehly misry meiN aap chara-garoN ko mukhatib kr rahy haiN, to dusry misry meiN "aazar mily haiN" ki jaga "aazar di'ay haiN" hona chahiay tha... so "aazar mily haiN" munasib nahiN lag raha... baqi wazn, andaz-e-bayan aur alfaz k istaml k hawaly se ghazal khoob rahi...

Behr aur Wazn = 4
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 5

total marks = 9

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9- Zain

Zain bhai aap ki ghazal bhi mashaAllah shandar rahi... matla aur maqta shandar kaha hy aap ne, alfaz ka istamal, takhayul, rawani, wazn sabhi eitbar se aap ki ghazal umda rhai... sirf aik do sheroN meiN kuch kami si mehsoos hui, aur wo bhi shayad is liay k itny meiyari sheroN meiN aik adh sher bhi esa nahiN hona chahiay jis se ghazal ki dikashi mutasir ho...

3rd sheir ka pehla misra youN to wazn k hawaly se mukamal hy, mager dermian meiN "keh koi apna ho" se misra kuch kamzor ho raha hy, is ki jaga kuch aur hota to misra bharpor hojata...
4th sheir meiN is hawaly se kami mehsos hui k deewar k peechy se dusri taraf nahiN dekha ja sakta... lehaza "wo mehv-e-tamasha pas-e-deewar mily haiN" munasib nahiN lag raha...

overall aap ki ghazal bohat umda rahi...

Behr aur Wazn = 4
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 5

total marks = 9

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10- m a natiq

Natiq bhai aap ki ghazal k sheroN meiN khyal achy haiN, mager rwani ki kami mehsoos hui, wazn aur andaz-e-byan k hawaly se bhi abhi mehnat ki zuroorat hy... aik bat kafi hairan-kun hy k aap ki ghazal k 3rd sheir ka 2nd misra aur Mujahid Khan saahab ki ghazal k matla ka misra-e-sani donoN aik haiN... khyal ka is had tak milna! keh alfaaz bhi aik jesy hoN shaaz hi dekhny ko milta hy... khair, aap ki ghazal meiN behteri ki kafi gunja'ish mojud hy, aur mujhy umeid hy k ager aap kuch tawaju deN to ye kaami dur kr sakty haiN...

Behr aur Wazn = 1
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4

total marks = 5

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11- faridnawaz

Farid bhai aap ki ghazal bhi khoob rahi, ghazal k pehly 4 sheir to usi behr meiN haiN, jo behr misra-e-terha ki hy, magr baqi k sheroN meiN aap ne aik alag behr ikhtyar ki hy... so isy ghalati tasawur kiya ja'ay ga... lekin ager aap ne na-danista tor pr aisa kiya hy to yahi bat khush-aaeind bhi hy k aap meiN bhi qudarti tor pr rhythm paya jata hy, yaani aap behr ki pehchan ki'ay baghair bhi misry wazn meiN keh sakty haiN... alfaaz ka istamal acha hy, mager kuch sheroN meiN andaz-e-bayaN ki kamzori mehsos hui... takhayaul khoob hy... aap k liay mashwara hy k ghazal kehty waqt misroN k rhythm ko khas kr dhyan se parkha kreN, aur aik hi rhythm meiN misry likha kreN... shuru shuru meiN diq'qat ho gi, mager mashq k sath sath aap improve krty ja'aiN gy...

Behr aur Wazn = 2
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4.5

total marks = 6.5

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aap tamam dostoN ka bohat bohat shukriya, wish u all best of luck...

**kanch ki mehroo** · #4 02-01-2008, 10:08 AM

is martaba bohat say naye likhnay waloN ne bhi muqablay

maiN hisa lia... daikh kar bohat khushi hui...

1: Amirmuan
Behr aur Wazan = 2
andaaz-e-bayaN, Takhayyul, alfaz ka ist'emal = 4.5
total = 6.5

2: cute mary
behr aur wazan = 2
andaz-e-bayaN, takhayyul, alfaz ka ist'emal = 3
total = 5

3: land of sorrow
behr aur wazan = 0.5
andaz-e-bayaN, takhayyul, alfaz ka ist'emal = 3
total = 3.5

4: Mujahid khan
behr aur wazan = 4
andaz-e-bayaN, takhayyul, alfaz ka ist'emal = 3.7
total = 7.7

5: awarah007
behr aur wazan = 0.5
andaz-e-bayaN, takhayyul, alfaz ka ist'emal = 3
total = 3.5

6: stubbron lioness
aapne to radeef hi tabdeel kar dia... misra-e-tarah ki ghazal ka radeef "milay haiN" tha.. jabke aapki ghazal ka radeef "haiN milay" hai...
behr aur wazan = 2.5
andaz-e-bayaN. takhayyul, alfaz ka ist'emal = 3
total = 5.5

7: silent wishes
behr aur wazan = 4
andaz-e-bayaN, takhayyul, alfaz ka ist'mal = 3.7
total = 7.7

8: Saraabs
behr aur wazan = 4
andaz-e-bayaN, takhayyul, alfaz ka ist'emal = 5
total = 9

9: Zain
behr aur wazan = 4
andaz-e-bayaN, takhayyul, alfaz ka ist'emal = 5
total = 9

10: m a natiq
behr aur wazan = 0.5
andaz-e-bayaN, takhayyul, alfaz ka ist'emal = 3
total = 3.5

11: Faridnawaz
Farid sahab aapne aakhri shair maiN radeef tabdeel kar dia...
behr aur wazan = 2
andaz-e-bayaN, takhayyul, alfaz ka ist'emal = 3.5
total = 5.5

aap sab sathiyoN ki shirkat ka bohat shukriya.. all da best..

khush rahiye

**kanch ki mehroo** · #5 02-01-2008, 10:11 PM

bohat shukriya judges...

khush rahiye
HG Administration.