Urdu Poetry Forum

**zain** · #1 08-29-2006, 07:28 AM

As'salam O Alaikum,

mah-e August 2006 ke nazam-goi k muqable k leye jo mozu diya gaya tha wo tha AAZAADI, jis par hamain is baar bhi bahot khoobsurat kalaam parne ko mila,aor ham apne tamam saathi shoa'ara k tah-e dil sey shukarguzar hain... umeed hai aap aaenda bhi aise hi humain khoobsurat kalaam sey nawaztey rahain gain,

jesa ke ham sab ko ma.aloom hai ke muqabley k nataij ka ailaan judges k mushtarka faisle pe mabni ho ga... aisa faisla jo k kisi bhi qism ki talouq-dari sey paak aur insaaf k osoloo.n k ain mutabiq ho ga....

zail main muqable main shamil kalaam deye ja rahe hain ... judges sey modbana guzarish hai k 3 September tak isi thread main apne faisle sey agah karain... faisle ka tareeqa intahaai asan hai aap har shair ki nazm ko 1-10
tak numbers dey saktey hain... number dene sey pehley aap pe lazim hai k aap kalaam ki khubiyoo.n aur khamiyoo.n pe roshni dalain... akhir main tamam judges k deye gai numbers ko jama kar k hatmi nataij ka ailaan ho ga,

bohat shukriya

1.. khaiyaal,

YEHI HAI JAZBA

Har khail mushkil pe kaboo pana jante hain hum
Mutwatir manzil ki taraf rawan dawan rehtai hain hum

Har mushkil ko suljhane ka hosala hum rukhte hain
Jawan hoon hosalay har takleef ko aasan karna jante hain hum

Kanpata hai dushman ka dil,aaj bi sun pansath ki tarah
isi waja se aaj bi to dushman pay haavi hain hum

Zoor agar tujh mai hai dushman,hum bi to kamzoor nahi
aaj unsath saal kay baad bi ,kuch bi kar sakte hain hum.

2..luckylibra

3...Haya.n

'' Bint-e-Kashmir Ki Faryaad ''
---------------------------------------

Ghar Say Nikli Hoo'n Mai'n Tanha
Is Andheri Raat Mai'n
Chaak Hay Mairi Rida
Dard Kay Aalaat Mai'n
Bheiriye Hai'n Raah Mai'n
Aur Shikaari Ghaat Mai'n
Katt Chuki Mairi Zubaa'n
Aik Haq Ki Baat Mai'n
Maa'n To Kehti Hay Tujhay
Rukhsat Karoo'n
Barsaat Mai'n
Khuaab Kiya Dekhoo'n Bhala
Mowt Hay Baraat Mai'n
Waadi Ki Maei'n Baihen
Na Gufta Ba Halaat Mai'n
Ibn-e-Qasim Lowt Aa
Lay Ja Hamai'n Nijaat Mai'n
Gham Zada Her Peirh Hay
Aur Khoon Hay Her Paat Mai'n
Kashmeer Thora Sabr Kar
Dushman Maray Ga Maat Mai'n

(judeges main darjzail ehbaab shamil hain)

( Aek lamha,Ankaboot, Inam, Shagufta Basit, Kanch ki mehroo,Zain, wandering thoughts)

Evalutaion ka criteria ye hay

Andaz-e-beyan (5 marks) (rawani, alfaz ka ista'amal, takhayyul)
mozu (5 marks)
total marks = 10
tamam judges k diye huway score ka ausat asal score hoga...

Note: Aap tamam doston se guzarish hay kay iss thread main Judges ke ilaawa koi post na karay... Judges ke ilawa kisi bhi member ki post delete kerdi jaye gi...

**Ankaboot** · #2 08-30-2006, 05:52 AM

AssalamoAlaikum,
Ankabot here ... is dafa Azaadi ke moqa pe teen sharings dekhney ko mili hain, points 1-10 ke scale par , 10 beong the highest and 1 being the lowest.
sab se pehley , pehli sharing by khaiyaal:

1- sab se pehley to yeh nazm goyi ka muqaabla tha, aur aap ne nazm ke bajaye 4 ashaar paish kiye iss muqaabla mein. aap ki paish karda ghazal mein khayaal ki rawaani to hai, magar taqreeban sabhi ashaar wazan aur bahar ke hisaab se aik doosrey se mukhtalif hain. "HAIN HAM" ki waja se pata chalta hai ke yeh aik ghazal hai. Aap ko abhi bahar pe kaam karney ki zaroorat hai, magar mashq se Inshah'Allah aap iss khami pe qaboo pa lein gey. takhayyul aap ka umd hai.
meri taraf se aap ki iss kawish ko 5 marks.

2: number do pe baari aati hai luckylibra k paish karda kalaam ki.
paishtar iss ke, ke , main kalaam pe comments doo'n , sab s epehley presentation pe baat kar doo'n (being a designer myself) beshak nam Aazadi ke mozoo pe likhi gayi hai, magar presentation jo hai wo mozoo se mutaabqat nahi rakhti. pas-e-manzar mein pakistan sabz hiulaali parcham, minar-e-pakistan , pakistan governament ka logo ......... yeh sab watan ki aazai ko show kartey hain (also background being green tells poem is about independence day) magar nazm ke mozoo k dekha jaye to wo aik muaasharti mozoo hai. jo ke merey khayaal mein watan ki aazadi se hat kar hai. aap ki koshish umda hai ke aap ne nazm ko khoobsoorati s epresent kiya, magar image selection mozoo ke hisaab se honi chahye , jo ke yahan pe bilkul ulat hai.
ab baat kartey hain nam pe. to ........ aaj kal bohat kam kalaam dekhney ko milta hai jis mein muaashra ko mozoo banaya jaye. aap ki kawish yaqeenan bohat umda hai. aur aap ne bohat umdagi se aik "aam" shakhs ki ghurbt se tag-o-do ko bayaan ko bayaan kiya hai. anjaam dardnaak hai, magar haqeeqat hai.
meri taraf se aap ki nam ko 8 marks. (choonke mujhey bataya gaya hai ke presentation matter nahi karti inn contests mein so, presentation marks pe asar anzaad nahi huye, umeed hai ke mustaqbil mein aap ki taraf se behtar presentation dekhney ko miley gi

)

3: and last but not least, poem shared by haya n.
aik bohat khoobsoorat nazm. qalam mein rawaani hai aur kashmir ki beti ka ahwaal bohat umdagi se bayaan kiya hai. mujhey personally wo nazmein bohat achhi lagti hain jinhein parhtey huye aik rythem sa mehsoos ho, aur wo rythem mujhey iss nazm mein mehsoos hua hai.
meri taraf se aap ki iss nazm ko 9 marks.

umeed hai ke aap dost future mein bhi participate karein gey aur apney kalaam se nawazein gey.
Walaikumusalam.
Ankaboot.

**WanderingThoughts** · #3 08-30-2006, 11:40 PM

Aadab dosto, aik bohat kathin kaam mery zimmy tha, so kr chala huN...

is Mah ka Mozu-e-Nazm tha "Aazadi", ntaaij kuch yuN haiN:

1: khaiyaal

"YEHI HAI JAZBA"
aap ki tehreer parh kr maiN andaaza kr sakhta huN kis mushkil se guzer kr aap ne ye nazm kahi ho gi� (k ibtdaa maiN khyaalat ko jorhna aur phir alfaaz ko aik rhythm maiN arrange krna bohat mushkil hota hy�) but ye dekh kr khushi hoi k aap maiN likhny ki lagan aur jazba hy�.

Kuch technicalities pr bat ho ja�ay:

Alfaaz ka istamal acha kiya, khyaal bhi achy heN, but rawani maiN kami hy abhi.. jo k musalsal mashq se dur ho ja�ay gi�
(Mozu to is bar tha hi itna waseei k bohat kuch cover ho jata)
so aap ko mozu k mukamal marks milty haiN yani 5
aur rahi bat rawani, khyaal etc� to us k aap ko 2marks milty haiN�
so aap k total marks bany 7. (wish u more luck in future)

2: LuckeyLibera,
to dear aap ne bhi aik achi nazm pesh ki� aik bat batana chahuN ga k nazm be shak aazadi pr hi thi� magar nazm k oper is ka unwaan mention krna bohat zururi hota hy� (aainda is ka khyaal rakhi�ay ga)
nazm maiN alfaaz ka istamal bhi khoob hy aur takhayul bhi behter hy.... zara si kami rhythm maiN reh gai� aap ko aik mashwara hy k aap bary shoara ki nazmeN prheN aur samajhny ki koshish kreN k alfaaz ko kesy behter andaaz se trteeb diya ja sakta hy (k aik flow brqraar rahy nazm maiN�.)
aap ko points milty haiN mozu k 5
flow, laffazi, aut takhayul k 3
aap k total marks hoy 8�
umeed hy agli bar aap ki janib se aur behter kalam parhny ko mily ga�

3: Haya.n
to jnaab aap ki janib se jo nazm parhny ko mili us se mehsoos hota hy ka ap aik koh�na mashq shaira heN�
�Kashmir� lafz se hi zahir hy k aazadi k mutalashi logon ka watan�
nazm maiN rawani khoob hy, alfaaz ka acha istamal mila� takhayul itna muqadas hy k kya kaha ja sakta hy�
aap ko bhi mozo k milty haiN 5 marks�
rawani, laffazi, aur takhayul k milty haiN 4 marks�
so aap k total marks hoy 9�

Allah Mola aap sab dostoN ko behter se behter likhny ki taufeeq ata farma'ay...Aamin...

(typing maiN koi kami reh gai ho, ya meri koi bat kisi ko nagawar guzri ho to us k li'ay maazrat chahuN ga)

**Aik Lamha** · #4 08-31-2006, 04:12 PM

1 ...Khayal ji....

Buhat achi kawish rahi aap ki... khayalaat buhat umdah haiN.. aur alfaz bhi buhat achay ista'amal kiye heiN... aur jo kuch aap nay lijkha hay wo diye gaye mozoo ya'ani Azaadi se bharpoor mawafiqat rakhta hay.. issliye aap kay mazmoon k marks huway 5
ab atay heiN rawani khayal, waghaira ki taraf... tou janab... Nazm ka ahem tareen hisa hota hay uss meiN payee janay wali rawani ya rythm... aur usski shiddat se kami mehsoos huwi... Nazm ko aisa hona chahiye k shuru se lay ker aakhir tak baghair rythm toray parhi ja sakay.. aap ki Nazm meiN ye khami zaroor hay k iss meIN rawani nahiN payee jati... aap apni mashq jaari rakhiye... zada se zada reading kijiye... achay shoura ki nazmouN ko parhiye... phir yaqeenan aap se bhi rawaaN shayeri sarzad hogi.. inshaAllah.. doosray section mein aap k marks heiN 1

so aap k total marks huway 5+1=6

2. LuckyLibra

Ji janab.. buhat khoobsoorat nazm... mulk k samaji aur muasharti halaat ko ujagar kerti huwi aik buhat hi shandar takhleeq...

Mazmooon tou iss ka bhar poor mutabiqat rakhta hay diye gaye topci se...to uss k tou full marks.. ya'ani 5

jaisa kay khayal ko meiN nay bataya.. Nazm ka buhat hi ahem juz hota hay usski rawani.... jo k aap ki takhleeq meiN mafqood tou nahiN kahoonga.. haaN kahiN kahiN uss ki kami zaroor mehsoos huwi .... rawani ko check kernay ka asan tareeqa ye hota hay k aap apni nazm ko gungunanay k se andaz meiN kisi lay meiN parhaiN... jahaN lay tootay.. samajh laiN k wahiN garbar hay... saath saath mutaleya jaari rakhiye... inshaAllah buhat jald kamaal hasil kerleiNgi...

Doosray section meiN aap k marks bantay heiN 2.5 ,
so aap k total marks huway 5 + 2.5 = 7.5

3. Haya n

Ji janab... Aik dafa phir ustadi dikha di na.... buhat achi nazm hay mashAllah.. mazmoon k mutabiq, rawaN, takhayul bhi shandar.. aik buhat khoobsoorat takhleeq..

Mazmoon k tou aap ko miltay hein pooray pooray 5 number

laffazi bhi buhat shandar hay.... buss mujhay aisa laga k khayalaat ki jo rawani nazm ka khasa hoti hay... wo kahiN kahiN majrooh huwi aap ki is nazm meiN.. ya'ani aik khayal k ba'ad doosra khayal baghair kisi wastay k a warid huwa... jo k ghazal emIN tou sahi hay.. laikin nazm meiN alfaz k saath takhayul ki rawani ka bhi ahtemam kerna parta hay..
doosray section meiN aap k marks heiN 3
so aap k total marks huway 5 + 3 = 8

Aakhir meiN teenouN shuruka ko aik baar phir dherouN mubarakbaad .. iss silsilay meiN shirkat kernay.. aur itni mayaaari takhleeqat paish kernay k per.... Ayenda bhi ye silsila jaari rehna chahiye...

Buhat khush rahiye... and Best of luck..

**Inam** · #5 09-02-2006, 12:35 AM

Mozu k leye sab nazmon ko mile number paanch (5)
ab aate hein andaz e beyan ki taraf. Andaz e beyan ko mein teen catagories mein is terha taqseem kerta hon
rawanii 2
lughat 1
takheyal 2

Nazm 1.
Rawanii - nazm mein buneyadi kami rawanii ki he. is k number mile aap ko (+0.5)
lughat - alfaz mein kuch aesa utar charho nahien. is k leye (+0.5)
takheyal - is lehaz se bhi nazm kamzoor he (+0.5)
Nazm 1 ko mile number 5+0.5+0.5+0.5 = 6.5

Nazm 2
Rawanii- is lehaz se bohat umda kawish he, albatta kahein kahein alfaz aor jumle atak k reh jaate hein. is k leye aap ko mile (+1.5)
lughat - kheyal aor mozu ki nisbat se to alfaz theek hein, leykin kuch lafz nazm ki rawanii ko qahim nahein rakh sake. (+0.75)
Takheyal- kheyal umda he, leykin kahien kahein aesa maloom hota he k jumle bas nazm ko pura kerne k leye likhe gaye. (+1.25)
Nazm 2 ko mile number 5.0 + 1.5 + 0.75 + 1.25 = 8.5

Nazm 3
rawanii + lughat - donon hi bohat umda hein, donon k leye (+3)
Kheyal - kheyal umda he, albatta aik do jagon per thora ghor kerne ki zarurat he, 'maslan bhyreye hein raah mein...aor shikarii ghaat mein' yahan shikarii aor bhyreye koe do aalehda dushman nahien balke aik hi hein...'Maan to kehti he tuje...rukhsat karon bersaat mein' is baat ki koe zarurat samag nahien aaye. (+1)
nazm ko mile number 5+3+1 = 9

**Shagufta Basit** · #6 09-02-2006, 06:31 PM

As'salam O ALaikum,

Khayyal: nazm goi ka muqabla tha jis main ghazal shamil kar di janab aap nay wo bhi 4 ashaar jab k ghazal k sheroo.n ki tadaaad kabhi even nahi hoti

... khair aachi koshish thi jis k leye hum inhain detey hain 6 points

CuteLibra: jaisa k Ankaboot nay bhi kaha k image aur nazm main koi mumasilat nahi dikhaai deti... jahan tak sirf nazm ka talouq hai tu azadi k hawale sey achi nazm likhne pe daad qobool kejeye aur inhain hum detey hain 7 points

Hayya: bohat khoobsurat nazm likhi hai... mozu k hawlae sey tamaam taqaze poti karti hoi nazm hai ye aik isey hum detey hain 9 points

sab likhne waloo.n ko aik baar phir daad aur umeed hai k aaenda bhi aap log aise hi zouq o shouq sey likhtey rahain agi

shukriya

Urdu Poetry Forum

raaye shumaari baraaye muqabala-e- nazam goi August 2006

raaye shumaari baraaye muqabala-e- nazam goi August 2006