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RulesThis is a discussion on ra'ay shumari - muqabla-e-Nazm goi Sep 08 within the Urdu Poet Club forums, part of the Urdu Poetry category; As-salam-o-alaikum Dosto! HmaiN bohat khushi hy k is baar bhi aap sab ne dilchaspi se is silsily meiN hisa liya ...
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#1
09-21-2008, 11:24 AM
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As-salam-o-alaikum Dosto! HmaiN bohat khushi hy k is baar bhi aap sab ne dilchaspi se is silsily meiN hisa liya aur hmaiN bohat si khubsurat poetry paRhny ko mileii. aap janty haiN k winner ka faisla judges ki mushtarika ra'ay se hota hy, to maiN Urdu Poet Club k qabil judges se derkhawst kruN gii k wo is thread meiN 30th sep 2008 tak hmaiN apny faisloN se aagah kreN Judges meiN shamil haiN: (Sohail Malik, Saraabs, Anis Hasan, Zehrab, Aatif Saeed, Kanch ki Mehroo & WanderingThoughts) marking ka criteria ye hy: Andaz-e-beyan (5 marks) (rawani, alfaz ka ista'amal, takhayyul) manzer se insaf (5 marks) total marks = 10 kiun k ye contest nazm k liye tha is liye nazm k ilawa post ki gai koi poetry shamil nahi ki jay gi ====== NOTE: ====== ye thread sirf judges k liay hy, judges k elawa kisi bhi member ki post delete kr di ja'ay gi.
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#2
09-21-2008, 11:36 AM
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muqably meiN shamin nazmeN ye haiN nazm # 1 raz-e-dil nazm # 2 duffy khah ki hai may nay koi eid, teray bicher janay k bad, rasmen chand b dayka kapray b badlay, galay b mila, laykin may sochta hu meri eid ho gai, may jiss say b mila, mehk teray he badn ki thi, kushbu teray he cahmen ki thi nazm # 3 samansh9 Ghataa rehmatoun ki hai chaaee shafaq aaj odhey huey hai chaadar hinaaee zamaaney mein khushiyoun key saamaan laee khuda ki inaayat liye huey aaj EID aaee khushi ka chand nikla hai jahaan mein EID aaee badee umeed ley kar tamanna aaj phir muskuraee saawan mein diya phir chand dikhaee mah - e - siyaam ki takmeel ki ghadee ab hai aaee shaher mein EID ki hai aaj anjuman aaraaee har su aeish - o - masarrat ki ghataa hai chaaee nujoom ki tabish guloon ki raanaaee bahaar - e - EID gulistaan mein rang - o - khusbu mehkaaee ghar ghar mein aaj ronaq aaee Eidee lekar bachchoun key chehroun par muskaan aaee Aaj phir EID aaee hai aye Dost Hilal - e - EID ney aaj phir teri yaad dilaaee sirf muskuraahatein hi nahin EID chnd aasoun bhi apney saath ley aaee musalmaan ! masroor ho teri ibaadat khubool hui yehi Paeghaam - e - khuda ley kar EID aaee tamaam azmatein lekar aaj Eid aaee mah - e - siyaam ki takmeel ki masarratein lekar aaj EID aaee Khuda ki inaayat liye huey aaj phir EID aaee nazm # 4 Owys Zemir Kaise manaooN eid ki khushyaaN bata ae jaan-e-man? Aisa nahiN ke jo bahakti marmareeN hathoN meiN hoN BateN khanakti na Karen who chooRiaN shokhi bhari Uljhaey na naqsh-e hina, behkaey na teri mehak Na ho adaa dikash teri, na ho nazar masti bhari ChaRhney magar manzar na dey tera nasha ae jaan-e-man! Kaise manaooN eid ki khushyaaN bata ae jaan-e-man? GhamgeeN haiN kitnay khandaaN, ujRay haiN kitnay hi diyaar Apnay watan meiN be watan, apne hi ghar meiN be amaaN Laasha uThaey apna hi kitnay phiray haiN sogwaar Kya kya qiyamat jhel kar kitnay miTa baiThay nishaaN Kis baat ki in ko mili hai yaaN saza ae jaan-e-man? Kaise manaooN eid ki khushyaaN bata ae jaan-e-man? Mehnat kashoN ka ab lahoo bhi na ragoN meiN kuch bacha Iflaas ki chakki pise mazdoor sab, dehqaan sab Ghurbat meiN jo bhookay mareN hasrat ke le aankhoN meiN khwaab Chehray koi in ke bhi haiN, zi jaan sab, insaan sab Ummeed-e farda naam per kya kya saha ae jaan-e-man! Kaise manaooN eid ki khushyaaN bata ae jaan-e-man? Yeh sab waDeray, choudry, sardar aur ik ik malik Hathoun meiN jinke mulk ka arsay se hai saara nizam Jin ke bharay a’ali mehal sab looT ke bas maal se Jatthay gidhoun ke! Noch ke jo kha gaey na’sh-e awaam Yeh kab talak ban kar phireN jhooTay khuda ae jaan-e-man? Kaise manaooN eid ki khushyaaN bata ae jaan-e-man? Ayyaam se phir haar kar bikti kaheeN dukhtar koi Halaat se majboor ho karti koi hai khud kushi Zinda dafan, zindaaN dakhal, kaari, wani is ka naseeb Had se agar bach jaey to mar mar jeay ik be basi Kyun jurm hai itna wujood-e-zan baRa ae jaan-e-man? Kaise manaooN eid ki khushyaaN bata ae jaan-e-man? Aabaa the apne ghairat-e islaam se sarshaar ke Woh Ibn-e- Qaasim paar karta aa chala sehra tamaam Ham par magar na Aafia ki aah ka kuch bhi asar Aghyaar ke haathoN biki ghairat bhi apni kya tamaam? Aai kisi ko bhi nahiN us ki sada ae jaan-e-man? Kaise manaooN eid ki khushyaaN bata ae jaan-e-man? Jis deen ka maqsad jihaalat se kabhi aazadi tha Islaam ke is naam par kya kya dukaaN hai khul gai Ab lafz ki taqdees gum aur kho chukka hurmat qalam Har dars se mafqood ab ilm-o shau’r-o aagahi Muslim juhad par Daal kar mujh ko jagaa ae jaan-e-man! Kaise manaooN eid ki khushyaaN bata ae jaan-e-man? Jab ehtisaab-e qoum ka Dar na kisi zaalim ko ho Zulm-o jabar sehne ki aadat ho gai jab aam ho Jab inqilaab-e haq ki ik bhi na ramaq baaqi rahe Ho murdni chaai hui aur zindagi neelam ho Is raakh meiN DhoonDoN sharar kaise bhala ae jaan-e-man? Kaise manaooN eid ki khushyaaN bata ae jaan-e-man? Ik aur dhamaaka to kaheeN phir kya hua ae jaan-e-man? Meri samaa’t sun hui! too ne suna ae jaan-e-man? Dekha kisi ne ke lahoo kitna bahaa ae jaan-e-man? Ghar kya bacha, kya too bachi, kya meiN bacha ae jaan-e-man? Ya maar kar ab khud hi ko meiN mar gaya ae jaan-e-man? Kaise manaooN eid ki khushyaaN bata ae jaan-e-man? nazm # 5 Aisha Baig Eid ka jhamela hey khushyooun ka aik reyla hey usi railey jhamely main duna k chamkty maily main aik ssochh bhanwar ki gardish hy benoor si do aankhoon main mousam e dukh ki barish hey na koi aas ka jugnoo na koi khawab ka aanchal aik bhikaaran or us ka shahzada khali peyt libas hey aadha udasiyoon ki kali chadar orhy jholi hey khali or aankh sawali aaty jaty logon k daman sey lipat k kai baar apny andar g k mar k peyt bharny ko bheek mangty hain khali jholi main do char sikky girty hain jholi to ab nahi khali par aankh ab bhi hy sawali umeed ka bekinaar sehra hey mayousi ka rang buhut gehra hey aankh roti hy or sawal karti hy mera bachcha !!! kab peyt bhar khana khaay ga ???? parh likh bara hony ka sapna kab meri aankhoon ko dikhlaay ga???? meri qismat main Eid ka din kab aay ga ????? kab saweyra aay ga ????? mera bachcha kab Eid manay ga ????? kiya kabhi mera bachcha Eid manaay ga ?????? nazm # 6 ..Gul.. hum eid ye kab manayeN gaiN tum log joh booj dharte ho har baat pe taNz karte ho hum geet khushi k kya gate hum chain se kaise jee pate tum eid ki baat karte ho ! hum chain ko tarse haiN logo hum neeNd ko tarse haiN logo dil pyaar ko tarse hai logo ghamkhaar ko tarse hai logo tum eid ki baat karte ho ! hum eid ye kab manayeN gaiN khushyaN toh tumhari haiN saari humne toh apne muqaddar me jo sog likha le ayeN haiN wo sog hi ab manayeN gaiN . hum eid ye kab manayeN gaiN ! nazm #7 Ik PaGla! Phir aas ka daman chot giya faqat yaad he teri sath rahe woh shab bhe aai aur guzar gae jab chan ko dekha,tanha thah her ahat par dekha hum nay us rah ko,us chorahey ko jis ki manzal thah ghar apna her pal qiyamat sa guzra her bar nigah mayos loti woh dor kay dees ka humrahi na laot kay aya na deed hoi bin sajna kay abh kay baras bhe eid aai par,na hamari eid hoi Last edited by Aisha Baig; 09-21-2008 at 11:38 AM. |
| The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Aisha Baig For This Useful Post: | ||
saleem mohiuddin (09-24-2008), silent_wishes (09-22-2008) | ||
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#3
09-26-2008, 06:47 AM
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HG ke dosto! Assalam-o-Alaikum. Muqabla-e-nazm goyee maiN is baar bhi baRi umda nazmeN paRhnay ko mileeN. Muqablay ki marking hazir-e-khidmat hai. 1: raz-e-dil 2.5 + 2.5 = 5 2: duffy 2 + 3 = 5 3: samansh9 1.5 + 3.5 = 5 4: Owys Zemir 4 + 4.5 = 8.5 5: Aisha Baig 2.5 + 4 = 6.5 6: Gul 3 + 4 = 7 7: Ik PaGla! 3.5 + 3.5 = 7
__________________ ******************** ******************** **** Adaab teri bazm ke jeenay nahiN daitay DeewanoN ko jeenay ki tamanna to baRi hay (Qabil Ajmeri) |
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#4
09-26-2008, 08:20 AM
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Meri Naqis Raey mein: 1: raz-e-dil 3 + 3 = 6 2: duffy 3 + 3 = 6 3: samansh9 2.5 + 3 = 5.5 4: Owys Zemir 3 + 3 = 6 5: Aisha Baig 3.5 + 3.5 = 7 6: Gul 3.5 + 4 = 7.5 7: Ik PaGla! 3.5 + 3.5 = 7
__________________ Kyun Teri Chashm-e mast ka ehsaaN uthaaiye Zehrab-e may sey ho gham-e hasti ager ghalat Last edited by zehrab; 09-26-2008 at 08:22 AM. |
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#5
09-28-2008, 03:06 AM
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1: raz-e-dil 2 + 2 = 4 2: duffy 1 + 2 = 3 3: samansh9 2 + 1.5 = 3.5 4: Owys Zemir 3 + 3 = 6 5: Aisha Baig 4 + 2 = 6 6: Gul 3.5 + 3.5 = 7 7: Ik PaGla! 2.5+ 3 = 5.5
__________________ Signature Removed - Only One Image is Allowed Tu Aik Image Remove Ker Daitay Poora Signature Q Remove Ker diya  |
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#6
09-28-2008, 06:54 AM
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As-salam-o-alaikum dosto! maiN bhi marking k sath hazir huN... is bar muqabla nazm goi "EID" k hawaly se tha aur ye dekh kr khushi hui k sab dostoN ne achi kawishat pesh keiN... meri janib se marking kuch youN hay: nazm # 1 raz-e-dil Eid Mubarik k unwan se ap ki choti si nazm aik achi kawish hay, alfaz ka istamal behter kiya hay magar abhi rawani ki taraf tawaju ki zuroorat hay, andaz-e-bayan bhi behteri chahta hay jesy k lafz "lamha firaq" ju baja'ye lafz "lamha-e-firaq" hota to andaz behter ho jata... aap ki nazm ko milty haiN: Andaz-e-beyan = 2.5 mozu se insaf = 3 total marks = 5.5 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nazm # 2 duffy jnab ap ne bhi nazm likhny ki achi koshish ki... aap ki nazm ko paRh kr sab pehly do bateN zehn meiN ubhreiN, pehli bat ye k nazm meiN rawani bohat kam hay, dusri bat ye k andaaz-e-bayan meiN kafi behteri ki zuroorat hay, yani k aap ne jo bateN pehli satroN meiN ki haiN, unheN thoRi si koshish se is se behter aur rawaN andaz meiN kiya ja sakta tha... aap ki nazm ko milty haiN: Andaz-e-beyan = 2 mozu se insaf = 3 total marks = 5 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nazm # 3 samansh9 Saman sahiba ap ne bhi achi nazm likhi hay... kuch jaghoN pr alfaaz ka istamal bohat acha kiya hay ap ne, magar chand aik jaga pr lafz kuch is terha istamal huay haiN k mafhoom gum ho gaya hay... misal k tor pr ye misra "bahaar-e-EID gulistaan mein rang-o-khusbu mehkaaee" yahaN ap ne khushbu k sath rangoN ko bhi mehka diya hay, jabkay rangoN ko nikhara ja sakta hay, mehkaaya nahiN ja sakta... ager misry ko aik nazar meiN dekhN to mafhoom nikaalna kuch mushkil nazer ata hay... go k aap ne rawani baRhany k liay kaei maqamat pr murakabaat istamal kiay haiN, magar abhi bhi nazm meiN rawani ki kami hay, mozu k eitbar se dekha jaye to her sheir meiN kisi na kisi hawaly se Eid ka zikr zuroor hay, magar overall sab ashaar aapas meiN us terha se marboot nazer nahiN aaty jesy k aik nazm meiN hony chahiaiN... aap ki nazm ko milty haiN: Andaz-e-beyan = 3 mozu se insaf = 3 total marks = 6 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nazm # 4 Owys Zemir bari ati hay Zemir sahab ki nazm ki, to jnab ap ne aik bohat hi fikr angaiz kawish pesh ki hay, alfaaz ka istamal, rawani aur takhayul sab bohat khoob hay... bas aik misry meiN aik lafz kam hay jis ki waja se rawani/wazn ka msla ho raha hay "Ya maar kar ab khud hi ko meiN [bhee] mar gaya ae jaan-e-man?" lafz bhee hona chahiay tha yahaN pr. nazm meiN majmoi tor pr dekha jaye to halaat-e-hazra aur samaji abtari ka zikr hay... so nazm ka pehla band kisi tor nazm ka hissa malum nahiN hota... dusri baat ye k ager nazm k pehly band ko hazaf kr deN to nazm meiN jo misra bar bar dohraya gaya hay, us k aakhir meiN lafz "jan-e-man" ko watan se mansoob kiya ja sakta hay, ya phir aap "jaan-e-man" ko "mery watan" ya "ham-watan" se bhi tabdeel kr leN to misry ka maqsad pora ho jaye ga... so, muqably se hat kr bhi meri ra'ye ho gi k ager ap is band ko is nazm meiN se hazaf kr deN aur her band k bad dohraya gaya misra aakhir se tabdeel kr leN to ye nazm aik achi surat meiN aa jaye gi... aap ki nazm ko milty haiN: Andaz-e-beyan = 4 mozu se insaf = 4 total marks = 8 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nazm # 5 Aisha Baig Aisha sahiba ap ne bhi hamary moashry ki aik talkh haqeeqat ki manzar kashi ki hy... alfaz ka acha istamal kiya hay, aur takhayul bhi khoob hay.. go k kuch misry bohat rawaN haiN magar overall dekheN to rawani meiN behtri ki zuroorat hay... mozu k eitabar se nazm meiN kami nahiN hay, Eid k hawaly se nazm meiN acha rabt paida kiya gaya hay... aap ki nazm ko milty haiN: Andaz-e-beyan = 3 mozu se insaf = 4 total marks = 7 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nazm # 6 ..Gul.. Gul sahiba ap ki nazm bhi khoob rahi, akser misry rawani meiN haiN magar ye nazm is se bhi behter tasur choR sakti thi ager chand misry rawani meiN mukamal hoty... alfaaz khoob istamal kiay haiN ap ne aur takhayul k hawaly se bhi nazm umda hay... magar aik do misry mukamal tor pr wazeh nahiN ho pa rahy, dusry misry meiN "bojh dharny" ka zikr, aur teesry misry meiN "tanz krny" ka zikr... kuch wazahat chahta hay k ap ka ishara kin logoN ki taraf hay... overall aik achi kawish hay apki janib se... aap ki nazm ko milty haiN: Andaz-e-beyan = 2.5 mozu se insaf = 4 total marks = 6.5 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nazm #7 Ik PaGla! Pagla ji aap ki nazm bhi aik umda kawish hay, takhayal khoob hay... aur apka andaz-e-bayaN bhi acha hay... beshter misry rawani meiN haiN magar kuch maqamat pr alfaz ka istamal thek na hony se misry rawani kho rahy haiN... jesy k dusry misry meiN "faqat" ki jaga "bas" laga'aiN to misra mukamal rawani meiN aa jata hay, isi terha 8th misry meiN "pal" ki jaga "lamha" istamal kreN to misra rawani meiN a jata hay, isi terha aik do aur maqamat pr rawani ka masla nazer aya... aap ki nazm ko milty haiN: Andaz-e-beyan = 3.5 mozu se insaf = 4 total marks = 7.5 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wish u all best of luck...
__________________ ------------------------------------------------- Bedil libaas-e-zeest bohat deeda-zeb tha aur ham ne is libaas ko ulTa pehan liya... (Bedil Haidri) |
TOTW/F/M Award(s): 2
ra'ay shumari - muqabla-e-Nazm goi Sep 08 
