It seems that you are unregistered. Please register with us by clicking Here, or if you are already registered login here
It seems that you are unregistered. Please register with us by clicking Here, or if you are already registered login here
Welcome to Urdu Community & Poetry/Shayari Forum
This is a discussion on raa'ay shumari bra'ay Muqabla-e-Terhi Ghazal (May 07) within the Urdu Poet Club forums, part of the Urdu Poetry category; As-salam-o-alaikum Dosto! is bar Mah-e-May k muqabla Terhi Ghazal k liay misra tajweez kiya gya tha : Sham k waqt ...
| |||||||
| Poetry | Video | Photo | Books | Games | Sites | Register | Groups | FAQ | Calendar | Mark Forums Read | Chat |
| Notices | |||||||||||
|
 |
| | LinkBack | Thread Tools |
|
#1
05-25-2007, 08:48 PM
| |||||
| |||||
As-salam-o-alaikum Dosto! is bar Mah-e-May k muqabla Terhi Ghazal k liay misra tajweez kiya gya tha : Sham k waqt parindoN ko reha kr dety : is misry k tehat hmaiN is bar 3 khubsurat ghazleN mosul huiN. maiN Urdu Poet Club k qabil judges se derkhawst kruN ga k wo is thread meiN 30th May tak apny faisly se hmaiN aagah kreN. Judges meiN shamil haiN... (Zain, Mehtab, Ankaboot, kanch ki Mehroo, Aik Lamha & WanderingThoughts) marking ka criteria ye hy: Behr aur Wazn = 4 andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takay'yul, alfaaz ka istamal = 6 total marks = 10 aur Muqablay meiN shamil members k nam aur un ki kawishaat derj zail haiN: 1 - Faypal  2 - Noor-al-sabah  3 - Sunehri  sab se guzarish hy k Judges k elawa koi aur member is thread meiN post na kary, Judges k elawa koi bhi post delete kr di ja'y gi. Last edited by WanderingThoughts; 05-25-2007 at 09:02 PM.        |
|
#2
05-27-2007, 05:22 PM
| |||||
| |||||
 1st sharing: 9/10 2nd sharing: 7/10 (kahee'n kahee'n pe wazan zara sa garbar kar raha hai) 3rd sharing: 8/10 doosrey shair mein doosrey misrey mein Barpa ki jaga Bapa shayed behtar rehta. Waslam. Ankaboot.
__________________  |
|
#3
05-28-2007, 10:59 PM
| |||||
| |||||
lo ji ham bhi haazir hain,aor woh bhi marking ke saath, 1.gif ")1") sab se pehley to aap tamaam doston ka bahot shukriya ke aap ne apne itney khoobsurat kalaam se ham sab ko mehzooz kiya,aor is muqaabaley ko kaamyaab banaaya, to shuru kartey hain........Faypal.. ..Afzal bhahi ki ghazal se..... 1) Faypal.......Afzal bhaahi aap ki ghazal buniyaadi tor par achhi hai,aor ashaar main aap ne khoobsurat khayaal baandhey hain,lekin do aek khaamiyaan jo mujhey mehsoos hoyeen arz kar raha hoon,.....1) aap ka 3# shar SHUTAR GARBA ka shikaar hai,( pehley misrey main USSEY aor doosarey misrey main KAR DETEY ki wajah se,ya to pehley misrey main UNHAIN hota,ya phir doosarey misrey main KAR DETA,to is se bacha ja sakta tha,....2)aap ki is ghazal main mujhey shairiyat aor mainwiyat ki bhi kuchh kammi lagi,shaaid aap ne yeh ghazal bahot jaldi main kahi ho,beharhaal is tarf bhi thori tawajah deney ki zaroorat hai,mujhey yaqeen hai ke aap is se bahot achha likh saktey hain, so aap ki is ghazal ko miltey hain...........4+ 4.5= 8.5 2) Noor,.......aap ne bhi bahot khoobsurat ghazal kahi,ashaar ka mazmoon bahot achha raha,lekin aap ki ghazal main jo aek baat main ne note ki hai,woh hai TA.AQEED-E- LAFZI,....yeh urdu shaairy main aek AEB samjha jaata hai,aor is se bachna chaahiye,is ki ta.areef yoon hai ke koyi bhi misra agar nasar se bahot ziyaada hat jaaye,doosarey lafzon main agar alfaaz ki tarteeb is tarah se ho ke misra samaa.at par garaan guzrey, ya us ka matlab samajhney main mushkil ho to usse TA.AQEED-E- LAFZI kehtey hain,jesa ke aap ka yeh misra.......zard paton se khizaan ke jo zara milta sakoon..........,aek chhoti si misaal bhi deta chaloon,aap ke samajhney ke liye....dekhain ..misra hai....meri ta.areef ne,...agar aap is ko yoon likhain ke...ta.areef ne meri .....to gawaara hai,lekin agar aap is ko yoon likhain ke....ta.areef meri ne...to yeh aeb hai,umeed hai aap samajh gayi hongi,aor aainda is se bachney ki koshish karain gi aap ki ghazal ko miltey hain...............4 +4= 8 3) Sunehri ........aap ne bhi bahot khoobsurat ghazal kahi hai,khaas tor se alfaaz ka chunao bahot khoob kiya hai aap ne,lekin....shair #2 main BARPA ghalat qaafiya hai,yeh to shaaid aap ghalti se likh gayi hon,aor asal lafz BAPAA ho,lekin aap ki ghazal ka shair#3 wazn main naheen hai,aor us ke donon misrey behar se khaarij hain,so is tarf tawajah deney ki zaroorat hai, aap ki ghazal ko miltey hain............3.5+ 4.5= 8 aek baar phir aap tamaam doston ka bahot shukriya ke aap ki wasaatat se itney achhey kalaam se mehzooz honey ka moqa mila, bahot khush rahiye,
__________________  |
|
#4
05-30-2007, 06:46 AM
| |||||
| |||||
As-salam-o-alaikum Dosto! main bhi Marking k sath hazir huN... is bar terhi gahzal k muqabla meiN hamain 3 bohat achi ghazleN parhny ko miliN… jin k Nta’ij kuch youN haiN: <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn[IMG]http://www.hallagulla.com/urdu/ /><o:p></o:p><font size=" /><o:p></o:p> 1 - Faypal Afzal sahib aap ki janib se aik umda ghazal paRhy ko mili… misra-e-trha ko khoob girha lagai aap ne… wazn k hawaly se dekha ja’y to mujhy is ghazal meiN koi kami nazer nai aa’ei…<o:p></o:p> Albat’ta kuch muqamat pr zaa’id alfaaz nazer aa’ay, k jin k baghair bhi sher ka mafhum wazeh ho jata hy…<o:p></o:p> Sher kehny ka andaaz khoob hy, rawani bhi achi hy, aik aadh sher k elawa takhayul ki khoob parwaz aur alfaaz ka munasib istamal nazer aaya aap ki is ghazal meiN…<o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> So ap ko milay:<o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> Behr aur Wazn = 4<o:p></o:p> andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takay'yul, alfaaz ka istamal = 4<o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> Total Marks= 8 ---------------------------- 2 - Noor-al-sabahNoor Sahiba aap ki ghazal bhi bohat khoob rahi, khaas tor pr matla aur maqta donoN hi bohat umda kahy aap ne… aur sath hi tarhi misry ko achi gira lagai hi… wazn aur behr k hawaly se to mujhy koi kami nazr nahi aa’ei is ghazal meiN, albat’ta misroN ki baanawat (ya isy andaz-e-bayaN keh sakty haiN) main behtri ki gunja’ish maujud hy. isi andaz-e-bayaN ki waja se misroN meiN rawani paida hoti hy… jesy k 4<SUP>th</SUP> sher k pehly misry aur 5<SUP>th</SUP> sher k pehly misry meiN kuch alfaaz k rad-o-badal se khubsurti aur rawani paida ki ja sakti hy… albat’ta baqi sheroN meiN alfaz ka istamal umda kiya ap ne…<o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> So ap ko milay:<o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> Behr aur Wazn = 4<o:p></o:p> andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takay'yul, alfaaz ka istamal = 3.5<o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> Total Marks= 7.5<o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> ---------------------------- 3 - SunehriAap ki ghazal bhi kai hawaloN se bohat achi rahi… lekin sunehri sahiba! jesa k ap bhi is haqeeqat se waqif haiN k aap abhi shairi k ibtada’ei marahil meiN haiN, so aap ko urdu shairi k kuch sho’boN meiN abhi bohat mehnat ki zuroorat hy, pehli bat to behr aur auzaan k hawaly se hy, in se aagahi hasil kreN… khoob mashq kreN, aur jis qadar ho sakta hy liken… kuch arse bad aap khud mehsoos kreN gi k aap kahaN se chaliN thiN aur kis muqam tak pohanch gai haiN…<o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> Andaaz-e-bayaN acha hy, lekin alfaaz k istamal maiN ehtiyat zuroori hy, koshish kreN k ghair zuroori alfaaz, (jin k baghair bhi matlab wazeh ho jata hy) un k istamal se gurez kreN… rawani bhi kuch sheroN meiN tot’ti hui mehsoos hui… aik sher ko nikaal kr overall aik achi ghazal pesh ki aap ne bhi…<o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> So ap ko milay:<o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> Behr aur Wazn = 3<o:p></o:p> andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takay'yul, alfaaz ka istamal = 3<o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> Total Marks= 6</SPAN> </I></I>
__________________ tu na jadoN paas channaN! key ay saady paas way, din vi udaas saady, rataaN vi udaas way, luT gya chain sadaa, rus gye hassay way, khushiaN ny dur nssiaN... akhaN cham cham wssiaN!!! |
|
#5
05-30-2007, 01:10 PM
| |||||
| |||||
Der se anay per ma'azrat chahta hooN... magar jaisa k aap ko ma'aloom hoga k mein exams ki waja se chutti per tha.... Mod sahab kia aap evaluation k liye 1 din dey saktay hein mujhay? ya'ani ye thread aaj ki bajaye kal raat close ker dein to?
__________________ |
|
#6
05-30-2007, 02:24 PM
| |||||
| |||||
Quote:
__________________ tu na jadoN paas channaN! key ay saady paas way, din vi udaas saady, rataaN vi udaas way, luT gya chain sadaa, rus gye hassay way, khushiaN ny dur nssiaN... akhaN cham cham wssiaN!!! Last edited by WanderingThoughts; 05-30-2007 at 07:25 PM. |
|
#7
05-31-2007, 08:09 AM
| |||||
| |||||
Sab ne buhat he ache kalaam share kiay hain Pehle tu sab ko hamari janib se buhat si daad qabool hoo Ab zara jaldi jaldi se marking bhi kardete hain (paa feju naraz matt hona plj) 1st Entry Faypal Jiii. Muhtaram app ki ghazal buhat umdah rahi, Tamam he ashaar ache hain Bss ika duka masle hain but majmoi toor par achi tehrer rahi App ki tehrer ko marks jate hain = 8.5 2nd Entry Miss Noor-al-sabah Muhtarma hamesha ki tarah app ki tehrer achi rahi but kahen kahen wazn ki garbar bhi rahi. Go k chand ashaar buhat he umdah rahe but majmoi toor par dekha jaay tu ghazal ki khoobsurti wazn main garbar ki waja kam hogai. App zara is taraf dhiyan dijiay aur koshish kijiay k ashaar ko ramooz k mutabiq kahen. App ki tehrer k liay marks hain = 08 3rd entry hay miss Sunehri jiii Jii tu muhtarma app ne 1st time is compete main participate kia hay tu buhat achi kawish hay. Lekin abhi app ne buhat kuch sekhna hay, koshish kijiay k ghazal ko aik tarz main kahen (means wazn main) aur lafazi ki taraf bhi zara dhiyan dijiay k khayalat tu umdah haim but kahen kahen lafazi ka masla darpesh hay. Umed app ki agli kawish main buhat change nazar aaay ga App ki tehrer k liay marks hain = 7 App sab ko buhat buhat mubarak hoo Aur ainda bhi isi tarah se participate karte rahen Khush Rahiay 
__________________  |
|
#8
05-31-2007, 11:40 AM
| |||||
| |||||
Assalam-0-Alaikum; Hum bhi apni marking k saath Hazir heiN aap ki khidmat meiN... Sub se pehlay to saray dostoN ko mubarakbaad k unhoN nay iss muqablay meiN shirkat ki.. aur itni achi achi ghazleiN share keeN... .ab atay heiN fardan fardan marking ki taraf... 1. Faypal... Afzal Sahab.. majmoo'i tour per aap ki ghazal buhat pasand ayee... kuch asha'ar se to aap k takhayul ki bulandi ka andaza hogaya... buhat achay khayalaat aap nay bandhay heiN.. buhat si daad qaboool kijiye,.... ab atay hein tafseelaat ki taraf... ghazal k pehlay shair k pehlay misra meiN aik sangeen nasri ghalati payee jati hay... misra kuch youN hay... din dhalay pair ki shakhoN pe bhala ker deitay alfaz k ista'mal k qawayed ki roo se... aap kisi pe bhala nahiN ker saktay ... kisi ka bhala ker saktay heiN ..... so agar misra youN hota... din dhalay pair ki shakhoN ka bhala ker deitay to buhat acha hota.. Teesray shair meiN pehlay misray meiN Usay ki jagah unheiN ista'mal kiya jata to aik aib se bacha ja sakta tha... kioN k doosray misray meiN aap deitay ista'amal ker rahay heiN... paaNchwaaN sher mujhay buhat hi pasand aya... .laikin uss meiN doosray misray meiN thay ka ist'amal sahi nahiN hay...agar thay ista'amal kerna tha to misray k doosray hissay ya'ani saja ker deitay thay k saath kiya ja sakta hay qawayed ki roo se... agar misra kuch yoN hota jab deitay wo koi cheez saja ker deitay.... to ye mushkil hal ho jati... Maqta bhi buhat ala hay janab.. .zabardast.... laikin iss k donoN misray mukhtalif zamanoN k haiN.. ya'ani pehla misra zamana-i-maazi.. aur doosra zamana-i-haal se talluq rakhta hay ... agar pehlay misray meiN say hay ka lafz hazaf ker k koi aur lafz ista'amal kerliya jaye to iss shair ko 4 chaand lag jayeiNgay.... ... doosra, chotha, aur panchwaaN sher buhat pasand aya... .lajawab sher heiN... buhat ma'anwiyat rakhtay heiN apnay ander... buhat zabardast.. buhat s daad qabool kijiye... likhtay rahiye.. aur hum se share kertay rahiye... Aap ki marking hay Behr aur Wazan=4 Andaz-i-BayaaN, rawani, alfaza ka ista'mal=4 Total = 8 Umeed hay aap nay meri tanqeeed ka bura nahiN mana hoga.. ye sirf tanqeed bara-i-islaah thi.. aur h osakta hay k aap meri tanqeed se ittifaq na bhi karaiN... kioN k ye ara'a meri zaati ara'a heiN.. Buhat khush rahiye...
__________________ |
|
#9
05-31-2007, 04:31 PM
| |||||
| |||||
2. Noor-ul-Sabah Wah janab... buhat khoobsoorat ghazal kahi hay... iss meiN taghazzul bhi hay aur takhayyul bhi... majmoo'yee tor per alfaz bhi achay heiN aur khayalaat bhi....itni umda ghazal kehnay per buhat sari daad qabool kijiye.... ab hojaye thori tanqeeed... Matlay k pehlay misray k ma'anay nahiN khul rahay... ya'ani uss nay jaaN maNgi thi hum khud ko fida ker deitay doosray hissay se wazeh hay k aap nay irada zahir kiya h ay laikin fida kiya nahiN... doosray misray mein hay baat aisi na thi jo uss ko khafa ker deitay iss se lagta hay k aap nay iraday per amal kerdiya...takay wo khafa na ho... donoN misroN meiN mutazad bateiN heiN... agar tarmeem ker k kuch aisa kerdiya jata to... wo jo chahta to dil-o-jaan fida ker deitay baat aisi nahiN k ussko khafa ker deitay? Kuch kuch asha'ar meiN kuch bharti k alfaz lagay.... jo mehez wazan poora kernay k liye dal diye jatay heiN... unk baghar bhi matlab pooora ho jata hay... aisay alfaz se guraiz kerna hi maharat ka suboot hay...  Dosraay shair aur Maqtay ki to kia hi baat hay... khaas ker maqtay nay to hisaar meiN lay liya.. buhat khoobsoorat lgay ye donoN shair... Majmoooyee tor per aap ki shayeri meiN buhat nikhaar dekhnay ko mila hay... behteri ki gunjayesh to her kisi ko hamesha hoti hay.... aur bhi mehnat kijiye .. .inshAllah aur bhi nikhar aye ga... ab marking.. Behr aur wazan = 4 Andaz-i-bayaaN, takhayyul = 3.5 Total = 7.5 meri kisi baat ka bura laga ho to ma'zarat khaah hooN.. mehez Islah maqsood thi.. aap ka meri ara'a se muttafiq hona zaroori bhi nahiN...
__________________ |
raa'ay shumari bra'ay Muqabla-e-Terhi Ghazal (May 07) 
