Urdu Poetry Forum

This poem got written in the soil of ghazal but does not obey the principles.So it is open to suggestions,PROVIDED these do not compromise WHAT I wanted to convey.



NigaahaiN tujh say ai dost milaauN kahaaN say

NahiN milti meri duniya teray jahaaN say



Tujhay khauf khud say tu jiyay mehfiloN maiN

Tanha lagay mujhay ab majmay sub yahaaN say



Ajnabi ban kay lagay milnay chehray aashna say

Chupkay say uthkay aa gaya maiN isliyay wahaaN say



Meri tarah meri duniya maiN aanaa "sagar'

Chaaho jo kabhi aanaa uth kay apnay jahaaN say



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achi koshish hai bhai ji...

iske siwa kia kahaiN k ap khud mana kar daitay haiN tanqeed karnay say...

likhtay rahiye, khush rahiye

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Perhaps you have not read what i said in the begning.

dear bijinder,
i allways appriciate what you write because urdu is not your language and its your love for poetry ... but you arw writing....
there are lots of things whicn cab be pointed out but i wont.. because you are writing better than lots of others who claim to be urdu reader and spekers.
regards
qamar

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Qamar,I would love to get the constructive feedback but usually people would like me to sacrifice what I really want to convey on the alter of"wazan n beher"which is just not acceptable to me.I donot write in that genre n so should not be measured with the parameters of traditional poetry.You cannt use Kms to measure the weight,likewise parameter are different here.Yes! I get sometimes confused with "k"and "Q" n few other things.
Do comeout with your suggestions,my friend.
Regards