Urdu Poetry Forum

Assalam o alaikum dosto
Naqd-o-Nazar k silsile ki pehli mehfil ki shuruhaat ham Aaina ki is ghazal se kerte hein. Tamam doston se guzarish he k is per apni raye dein. Aakhir mein ham Aaina se guzarish karein ge k wo is tamam tabsare per apni raye dein.
Mein aabhe kuch deyr mein hazir hota hon.
aadaab
Inam

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Learner
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Aaina ji mahzarat k saath, kuch takheer se likh raha hon. mein aik nasisht mein shayad puri ghazal per tabsara na ker sakon, is leye aik aik sha'r per aalehda se baat kerta hon. aor aroos k hawale se filhaal baat nahein karon ga, sirf zuban aor kheyal ko dekhon ga.

Dil ki kashti mein yaad bahaa k chale
likh k tera naam sang hawa k chale

Is sha'r k hawale se mera pehla tahasur ye he k is mein kuch khalaa he, kuch sawaleya nishaan reh gaye hein. lafz 'Yaad' agarche aalehda se bhe aik mafhoom rakhta he, leykin agar is k saath 'us' ki taraf bhe ishara ho to baat zara vaze ho jati, bilkul issi terha jis terha dusare misre mein 'tera naam' aaya, sirf 'naam' likh dene se woe sawal peyda hota. Dusare misre mein jo sawaleya nishaan he wo 'likhne' k hawale se he, yaani 'kahan likh k?'
'Sang hawa k chale' bohat umda likha he. Is mein serkhushi aor sershari, khushi k sabhe jazbaat beyan ho gaye hein.

Meri Becheneyon ko qaraar aa jaye
ger wo sare fasale mita k chale

Behr se qata nazar, kheyal aor zuban donon lehaz se aacha sha'r he. Ji han fasale istarab ko janam dete hein, aik apna sha'r muge yaad aaya
Gerche ik khula raasta rakha
Us ne dermeyan faasla rakha

lejeye janab ham to chale, pir hazir hote hein... kuch deyr mein

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nice Tabsra may Sirf dekhoon ga :-s

very nice /rose

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@};- Please update your Signature : Administrator HallaGulla

Ji to kuch aor sha'r dekhte hein.

Jo ho kabhe charcha mere aane ka
mere naam ka deya wo bhuja k chale

Is sha'r mein jahan tak mein samag paya hon, mehboob se aik daeye k saath gilla keya geya he, yaani bazahir aik gila he, leykin gile se zara kam. Is k leye jo andaz apnaya he wo kuch ghor talab he. Khabar k muqabil andhera ko rakha he, mere kheyal mein ye saahi taqabul nahein, khabar k muqabil gumrahi aor roshni k muqabil andhera hona chaheye.
Is hawale se aik baat jo mein samag paya hon, wo ye k kissi bhe harf ko aap kinaye k tor per lein ya usse tashbhehana istamal karein, us lafz k saabhe adjectives us k istamal mein kissi na kissi hawale se zahir hone chaheye. Jese naam ko yahan deye se tashbe di he, Kissi naam se jo jazbaati wabastagi hoti he, us k leye deya ya charagh mere kheyal mein nehayat umda tasbhe he, is mein us jazbe ki hararat aor roshni donon beyan ho gaye hein. Leykin khabar k saath is ka taqabal mere kheyal mein kuch aesa mozun nahein lagta.

Shehar k fughan se lagta he der mug ko
khamashi se magar dil ko laga k chale

pehli baat ye k agar dusare misre mein 'magar' ki jaga 'ham' ker dein to baat zeyada waze ho jaye gi. Dusara masala is sha'r mein pir taqabul ka he, shor k muqabil khamashi to bilkul theek likha he, leykin 'dil laga k chale', is k muqabil koe baat sha'r mein nazar nahein aati. Kehna shayad ye chahate hein k zamane k shor o ghul se hamein khoof aata he, so ham khamashi se apna daman bacha k chale. Yon agar 'daman bacha k chale' agar likhte to shayad zeyada mozun hota.

Keya batlayein un ko judaai ka sabab ham
Dastor-e-wafa ham ko jo sikhla ka chale

mere kheyal mein is sha'r ko ghazal ka hasale ghazal sha'r qaraar dena chaheye. Zuban aor kheyal donon bohat umda hein. 'Keya batlayein' mein jo bechargi he wo waze he, yaani wafa ka dars dene walo, tumhein keya batlayein k judae ka sabab keya tha. Judai ka aik sabab Faraz ne bhe likhe, wo bhe dekheye
Is se pehle k ham bewafa ho jayein
keyon na ae dost ham juda ho jayein

Shab-e-firaaq bohat andheri he aaina
charag-e-umeed-e-wazl jala k chale

charag-e-umeed-e-wazl aachi terkeeb he, yahan dekheye shab-e-firaaq aor charag-e-umeed-e-wazl bilkul theek aik dusare k muqabil aaye hein. Baqi sha'r mein aik choti si kami mehsoos hoti he, wo ye k agar sha'r ko issi terha likha jaye to pir 'jala k chale' ki jaga 'jala k chalo' hona chaheye,keon k yahan shahir 'aaina' se mukhatib he. dusari aik surat ye ho sakti he k pehle misre se mukhatib ko nikal ker dusare misre mein 'ham jala k chale' keya jasakta he.

lejeye janab meri taraf se to tabsara mukammal huwa, baqi dost bhe kuch likhein, khasusan behr k hawale se, keon k ghazal mein behr kuch jagon pe tutti nazar aati he...

khush raheye
Inam

assalamoalaikum,
aaina jee ki ghazal parhii,sub se pehlay tu peshgee maazrat ke tanqeed ki qainchi chalne ko tayyar hai,
behar ke bare main main ye kahoonga ke waqaai ye ghazal behar ke aitabar se kamzor hay ,agar koi murawija behar use nahi ki gaii tu bhee apni ghazal ke misraa e ula ke aetabar se baqii misroon ke wazan ko drust kiya jasakta hay.parhnay main rawani jo ke achhi ghazal ka khasa hay nahi miltii ,aisa sirf behar ke kamzor hone ki waja se hi hay warna is ghazal main kisi achii ghazal ke baqi tamam khubiyan mojood hain.intahaii khubsurat tarakib jin ka zikr inaam bhaee ne wazahat ke saath kiya hay woh bhee mojood hain.
agar hum isy ghazal ke buniadi usool se hat kar dekhain tu bilashuba ye ek shaandar NAZM hay laikin ghazal main behar tamam ashaar main ek hii rehtii hay ,baqi qawafi aur radeef ki pabandi ki gaii hay,hur she'r ek naya mazmoon liay hamari sochon ke dareechay waa karta hay.
AAina likhtii rahiaay aur agar aap ki is ghazal ka har she'r apnee jaga ek shahkaaat hay.


AAAp sub ka dost
Sabihuddin Shoaiby

Naheed ji se guzarish he k wo aaroos k hawale se is ghazal per tabsara karein, pir ham Aaina se kahein ge k wo is guftagu k ikhtetaam per apne raye.
aadab