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Leke Jaa Raha Hai Kahaan

This is a discussion on Leke Jaa Raha Hai Kahaan within the Urdu Poet Club forums, part of the Urdu Poetry category; Ek ghazal jo maine kuch mahine pehle likhi thi. Please comment and criticise. leke jaa raha hai kahaan aaj mera ...


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  #1  
Old 11-27-2007, 10:42 PM
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Default Leke Jaa Raha Hai Kahaan
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Ek ghazal jo maine kuch mahine pehle likhi thi. Please comment and criticise.


leke jaa raha hai kahaan aaj mera dil mujhe
aisa lag raha hai ke milne ko hai manzil mujhe

haasil-e-maqsad ki khaatir jo jiya karte hain log
kaash us fehrist mein karde khuda shaamil mujhe

mushkilon ka saamna jo har qadam par hai kiya
zindagi ka ab safar lagta nahin mushkil mujhe

apne maazi ko bhulaana aa gaya mujhko magar
raat bhar hai ab jagaati fikr-e-mustaqbil mujhe

hai yehi hasrat ke apnon ke liye main kuch karoon
aye khuda ab to banaade tu kise qaabil mujhe
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  #2  
Old 11-27-2007, 11:42 PM
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Default Re: Leke Jaa Raha Hai Kahaan
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bhai wahhhhh....bohot hi khoob kaha hai aap ne.....sabhi shair bohot umda hain....albatta matlay main zara si garbar lag rahi hai....wazan ka kuch masla hai....ise agar yun kar len ke

kis taraf le ja raha hai aaj mera dil mujhe
aisa lagta hai ke ab milne ko hai manzil mujhe

to meri danist main theek hojayega.....waise ye meri zati raye hai...aap ka is se muttafiq hona hargiz zaroori nahin

Aur janab...baqi ash'aar ki to kia hi baat hai...ek se barh kar ek hain...khaas ker ke ye do shair to bohot hi pasand aye

Hasil-e-maqsad ki khatir jo jiya kartay haiN log
Kaash us fehrist maiN kar de Khuda shamil mujhe (Wahhhhhh)

aur

Apnay maazi ko bhulana agaya mujhko magar
Raat bhar hai ab jagaati fikr-e-mustaqbil mujhe (wah...kia achoota khayal hai)
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DeewanoN ko jeenay ki tamanna to baRi hay
(Qabil Ajmeri)
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  #3  
Old 11-28-2007, 12:08 AM
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Bahut shukriya Saraab sahib! Mujhe bahut khushi hai ke aap ko mera kalaam pasand aaya. Abhi yeh ghazal mukammal nahin huwi hai. Main kam se kam chaar sher aur likhna chaahti hoon, lekin abhi inspiration thoda kam hai aur kaam bahut zyaada.

Waise matle ke baare mein jo aap ne kaha hai, us par zaroor ghaur karoongi. Abhi mujhe theek se baat samajh mein nahin aayi hai, lekin apne vaalid ka mashwara leke dekhoongi.
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  #4  
Old 11-28-2007, 05:36 AM
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Default Re: Leke Jaa Raha Hai Kahaan
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Originally Posted by khushi456 View Post
Ek ghazal jo maine kuch mahine pehle likhi thi. Please comment and criticise.


leke jaa raha hai kahaan aaj mera dil mujhe
aisa lag raha hai ke milne ko hai manzil mujhe

haasil-e-maqsad ki khaatir jo jiya karte hain log
kaash us fehrist mein karde khuda shaamil mujhe

mushkilon ka saamna jo har qadam par hai kiya
zindagi ka ab safar lagta nahin mushkil mujhe

apne maazi ko bhulaana aa gaya mujhko magar
raat bhar hai ab jagaati fikr-e-mustaqbil mujhe

hai yehi hasrat ke apnon ke liye main kuch karoon
aye khuda ab to banaade tu kise qaabil mujhe
Mohtarma Khushi saheba,

Pehli baar aap ki shairey nazar say guzri aur aap mein mashaAllah buhat salahiyat hai buhat achi ghazal likhi hai baqi jo thora sa masla tha us silsilay mein Saraabs bhai nay buhat hi achi tajweez di hai. Isi tarah likhti rahain aur share karti rahain.

Anis Hasan
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  #5  
Old 11-28-2007, 06:25 AM
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Default Re: Leke Jaa Raha Hai Kahaan
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bohut khub kaha he daad qabool kijye,
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  #6  
Old 11-28-2007, 08:30 AM
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Bahut shukriya Anis sahib aur Khalid sahib. Main zaroor apna baaqi kalaam bhi pesh karoongi, aur yahaan ke doosre shayaron ka kalaam padh ke us ke kuch seekhne ki koshish karoongi. Btw, mera asli naam Rabia hai.
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  #7  
Old 11-28-2007, 08:33 AM
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Default Re: Leke Jaa Raha Hai Kahaan
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Originally Posted by khushi456 View Post
Ek ghazal jo maine kuch mahine pehle likhi thi. Please comment and criticise.


leke jaa raha hai kahaan aaj mera dil mujhe
aisa lag raha hai ke milne ko hai manzil mujhe

haasil-e-maqsad ki khaatir jo jiya karte hain log
kaash us fehrist mein karde khuda shaamil mujhe

mushkilon ka saamna jo har qadam par hai kiya
zindagi ka ab safar lagta nahin mushkil mujhe

apne maazi ko bhulaana aa gaya mujhko magar
raat bhar hai ab jagaati fikr-e-mustaqbil mujhe

hai yehi hasrat ke apnon ke liye main kuch karoon
aye khuda ab to banaade tu kise qaabil mujhe

As-salam-o-aalikum Rabia Sahiba,

bohat arsy baad aap ne apna kalaam share kiya hy, mujhy yaad paRta hy k aap ne last time aik geet share kiya tha, aap ko is mehfil meiN wapis aany pr ham aik bar phir khush-aamadeed kehty haiN, umeed hy aap ka waqt yahaN acha guzry ga...


bohat achi ghazal kahi hy aap ne, sabhi shair khob haiN, bas matla meiN jo rhythm (wazn) tooT raha tha wo saraabz bhai ne durust kr diay hy, baqi ashaar khyaal aur rawani k aitbar se bohat achy lagy, ye shair khas kr pansad aaya:

hai yehi hasrat ke apnon ke liye main kuch karoon
aye khuda ab to banaade tu kise qaabil mujhe

meri janib se bohat si daad is achi ghazal ki nazr, qubol kreN... Allah Mola aap ko bohat ziada ata kary, khush raheN aabad raheN....
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Bedil libaas-e-zeest bohat deeda-zeb tha
aur ham ne is libaas ko ulTa pehan liya...

(Bedil Haidri)
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  #8  
Old 11-28-2007, 08:59 AM
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WanderingThoughts sahib (aap ne apna naam nahin bataaya), mujhe yaqin nahin aa raha hai ke aap ko ek saal pehle ki baat yaad hai. Haan, maine ek geet pesh kiya tha, aur iraada tha ke main is forum mein aati rahoongi. Lekin phir taleem mein itni masroof ho gayi, ke bilkul bhool gayi. Inshallah, is baar aisa nahin hoga. Taareef aur duaon ke liye bahut shukriya! Main bhi yehi dua karti hoon ke aap bhi khush aur aabaad rahen.

P.S. Jo geet maine pichhli baar pesh kiya tha, woh adhoora tha. Is ek saal mein maine us ka ek aur stanza likha hai. Kuch dinon mein main use phir se post karoongi.
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  #9  
Old 11-28-2007, 09:14 AM
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WanderingThoughts sahib (aap ne apna naam nahin bataaya), mujhe yaqin nahin aa raha hai ke aap ko ek saal pehle ki baat yaad hai. Haan, maine ek geet pesh kiya tha, aur iraada tha ke main is forum mein aati rahoongi. Lekin phir taleem mein itni masroof ho gayi, ke bilkul bhool gayi. Inshallah, is baar aisa nahin hoga. Taareef aur duaon ke liye bahut shukriya! Main bhi yehi dua karti hoon ke aap bhi khush aur aabaad rahen.

P.S. Jo geet maine pichhli baar pesh kiya tha, woh adhoora tha. Is ek saal mein maine us ka ek aur stanza likha hai. Kuch dinon mein main use phir se post karoongi.
rabia sahiba aap ka geet is liay yaad reh gya k hamari generation k creative logoN meiN geet likhny ka rujhaan boaht kam hy... so jab bhi kuch different paRhny ko milta hy to wo yaad reh jata hy... aap ki mazeed creations ka intzaar rahy ga, including that new stanza...

wish u best of luck....
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