Urdu Poetry Forum

JO JA KAY PHIR NA KABHI A SAKAY USI PAL KO
GANWAYA AUR TALAS HAMIN NAY BAR BAR KIYA.

wah (y)


Thanks for sharing :flower

<!--QuoteBegin-sajal+Oct 17 2003, 10:14 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr> <td>QUOTE (sajal @ Oct 17 2003, 10:14 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> <!--QuoteBegin-sLeEpLeSs+Oct 17 2003, 03:39 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr> <td>QUOTE (sLeEpLeSs @ Oct 17 2003, 03:39 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> Very nice and Mature poetry you have shared with us ..

Good to have such a good Poet among us ...

Just a little thing ... Ghazal ki khoobsoorti kay liye zaroori hay kay uss kay tamaam Juzz pooray hon ...

Aap ki ghazal bohat achi hay ... Bass aik cheez Missing hay ...

"Ghazal ka 'Matla'," (Pehla share jiss main dono misray aik hee qaafiye radeef main hotay hain )

Baaqi bohat khoobsoorat koshish hay ...


Keep writting and keep sharing ... /weldone [/b][/quote]
Main sleepless ki baat say ittefaq kertay huey isay thora sa agay barhati hon , k
yeh waqai aik khobsorat koshish hai lekin isay ghazal kaha ja sakta hai agar dosray aur teesray sher k qafiey ko durust ker liya jaey ...
aap nay teenon ashare main qafia masmar , bar bar aur bazar use kiya hai agar baqi donon ashare main bhi isi qafiey ko use karain to is ghazal main koi kami nahin hai

well done bina (y) [/b][/quote]
salam !
sajal i have read your ammendments and suugestions you have given in my personal mail.there was error in sending you personal mail so i am replying you here.thanks again for pointing out my errors .i am a beginner and trying hard to improve technically.thanks again for giving such a keen review and i will look forward in future for your comments .
Bina Ahmed.

<!--QuoteBegin-if wishes were horses...+Oct 16 2003, 11:53 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr> <td>QUOTE (if wishes were horses... @ Oct 16 2003, 11:53 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> salam ! i want to share my humble contribution in this forum. i will like constructive criticism on your part.

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HUM HI THEY KHAWBOON KI BASTI KO BASANAY WALAY
HUM HI NAY RAIT GHRAOONDOON KO BI MASMAR KIYA

JO REET EHD-E-WAFA KI HAMIN NAY DALI THI
HAMIN NAY SHEHAR-E-JAFA MAIN USAY PAMAL KIYA

IRADAY BANDHAY HUMIN NAY JAHAN BADALNAY KAY
SABAQ HAMIN NAY BUZDILI KA JUG MAIN AAM KIYA

WO JIS KAY NAAM SAY PEHCHAN THI MERI BAN MAIN
USAY KAY NAAM KO RUSWA SAR-E-BAZAR KIYA

JO JA KAY PHIR NA KABHI A SAKAY USI PAL KO
GANWAYA AUR TALAS HAMIN NAY BAR BAR KIYA.

BINA AHMED. [/b][/quote]
bohut hii khoob ,lajawab,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, :clapping :clapping :clapping :

<!--QuoteBegin-if wishes were horses...+Oct 16 2003, 08:53 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr> <td>QUOTE (if wishes were horses... @ Oct 16 2003, 08:53 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> salam ! i want to share my humble contribution in this forum. i will like constructive criticism on your part.

undefined


HUM HI THEY KHAWBOON KI BASTI KO BASANAY WALAY
HUM HI NAY RAIT GHRAOONDOON KO BI MASMAR KIYA

JO REET EHD-E-WAFA KI HAMIN NAY DALI THI
HAMIN NAY SHEHAR-E-JAFA MAIN USAY PAMAL KIYA

IRADAY BANDHAY HUMIN NAY JAHAN BADALNAY KAY
SABAQ HAMIN NAY BUZDILI KA JUG MAIN AAM KIYA

WO JIS KAY NAAM SAY PEHCHAN THI MERI BAN MAIN
USAY KAY NAAM KO RUSWA SAR-E-BAZAR KIYA

JO JA KAY PHIR NA KABHI A SAKAY USI PAL KO
GANWAYA AUR TALAS HAMIN NAY BAR BAR KIYA.

BINA AHMED. [/b][/quote]


very nice contribution bina

one thing i feel in ur poetry is that u r trying to express something different that is really appreciate able ..the problem i did notice is that ghzal..that u used at end of ur verse..

masmar ...bazar...bar bar.....but in other two verses ...pamal ...nd aam


that is some thing not normal in ghzal formation i guess


all the ingredients of a nice ghzal are there

cute , sensitive and intelligent work

keep it up

JO REET EHD-E-WAFA KI HAMIN NAY DALI THI
HAMIN NAY SHEHAR-E-JAFA MAIN USAY PAMAL KIYA


That really a very nice effort.. kia khayalat hein zabardast.. aur kia alfaaz kay tanay banay bunay hein.. zabardast... poori ghazal aik sanchay mein dhali lagti hay.. ooper di huwi suggestions ko implement kerlein tou technically koi kharabi nahin rahay gi...

Thankyou for sharing this with us...

wah bohat khoob

Salam Bina!

how r u?

thats a very nice attempt. specially the central idea is very deep and thought provoking.

and after implementing the suggestions given by Sleepless, Sajal and Masood, I feel that u will have a good ghazal in ur hand.

keep trying hard and one day u will become a good poet. best of luck

regards

Salaam Bina ji!

it's a nice effort
aap k paas alfaaz bhi hain,jazbaat bhi
or khayaal bhi, so ummid hai aainda aap
se or bhi achhi achhi tehreerain perhnay ko milaingi /happy

Take care n Allah haafiz

Soft voice /piano

__________________

salam!
first of all thanks ,shagufta saleem ,dream merchant,masood awan ,soft voice,aik lamha and sagar khan for evaluating my poem so deeply.certainly i will implement your suggestions in this ghazal. and as far as depth is concerned it lies within the reader's own perception and vision .it is entirely upto him how he interprets it .and all of you have very good perceptions.thanks again .
Bina Ahmed.

v niceee
bahut achi gazal hey buss likhti rahien inshallah mazeed behtari aa jay gi
keep writing and sharinnn /theek