Urdu Poetry Forum

sajidraheem · #1 07-27-2006, 04:46 PM

Daagh daaman ke jo dho laitay to achhaa hotaa

Hum bhi ji bharr ke jo ro laitay to achhaa hotaa

Aisaa toofaan to jeevann mai'n na phir aanay lagaa

Khud hee kashti ko duboo laitay to achha hotaa

Raat k uss peher jo woh diyaa buhjaat k chalay

unn ko aankho'n mai'n samo laitay to achha hotaa

Hum sawaalo'n ko nigaaho'n mai'n chhupaa rakhtay hai'n

Jhaank aankho'n mai'n kabho laitay to achha hotaa

Un k deedaar ki ik raah to baaqi thi kabhi

Garr jo ik shabb ko hee so laitay to achha hotaa

Un ke phoolo'n mai'n wo khushboo to abb nahi baaqi

Un ke kaantay hee chubho laitay to achha hotaa

Hum se manzil ka ta'ayyun na ho sakaa Sajid

Khud ko rasto'n mai'n jo kho laitay to achha hotaa

Written By: Sajid Raheem Sheikh

(sajidraheem@hotmail. com)

**MEHTAB** · #2 07-27-2006, 05:58 PM

Daagh daaman ke jo dho laitay to achhaa hotaa

Hum bhi ji bharr ke jo ro laitay to achhaa hotaa

dar-o-deevaar ko chup chaap kharay taktay rahay

lafz do lafz jo keh laitay to achha hotaa

Raat k uss peher jo woh diyaa buhjaat k chalay

Bandd aankho'n ko jo ker laitay to achha hotaa

Humm nay saawan ki wo rim jhim jo kabhi daikhi thi

Qaid manzarr sabhi ker laitay to achhaa hotaa

Apni manzil ka ta'ayyun to kiyaa kertay rahay

Khudd hee rastay bhi banaa laitay to achhaa hotaa

Aik lamhay mai'n musaafir banaa gayay hum ko

Do qadam saath bhi chal laitay to achha hotaa

Hum sawaalo'n ko nigaaho'n mai'n chhupaa rakhtay hai'n

Jhaank laitay meri aankho'n mai'n to achha hotaa
Meri ankhon main jhank laitay to acha hota

Abb ke ash'aar mai'n woh baat nahi'n hai Sajid

Un k chehray ko jo keh laitay to achha hotaa

RED = Qawafi
Blue = Radeef
Assalam-o-alaikum

Sajid Sahab buhat hi achi Ghazal kehne ki koshish ki hay appp ne
Khayal aur alfaz ka chunao bhi buhat acha hay
Magar zara si 1 kami nazar aii socha aapp ko se share kadon umed app ko bura nahen lage ga.
Ghazal kehne k liay intial 2 batain eham hoti hain Qafia aur Radeef.
App ki is ghazal main Radeef tu sahi hain siwai 2nd last shair k us main radeef garbar hay aur Qawafi sab share main garbar hain

Ab pehle lete hain Radeef ko

App ki ghazal main Radeef Hay "Laitay to acha hota"
Agar app dekhain apni 2nd last wale shair ki 2nd line main tu apne radeef bhi ghalati kardi hay, main ne blue line main usay sahi karne ki koshish ki hay magar Qawafi still garbar hay.

2nd thing lete hain qawafi ko

App ki ghazal main jo pehla Shair hay us k Qawafi hain DHO & RO

Is hisab se app ko baqi k tamam shair main Qawafi in k ham awaz hi rakhne the.

Radeef aur Qafia ki tashreh buhat lambi hay aur main khud abhi sekhne k marahil main hoon is liay app ko aik link PM kardon ga, Ya Phir bhi koi prb rahe tu Mere Ustad Hain, MOIN, QASIM, ZAIN & MEHRO. App in main se kisi se bhi contact karsakte hain

Umed k koi baat bure nahen lagi hogi

Dua'go Mehtab

**kanch ki mehroo** · #3 07-27-2006, 06:10 PM

bohat khubsoorat ghazal kahi aapne...yaqeenan aapke khayalat bayhad dilkash haiN... lekin yahaN aik do batoN ki nishan dahi karna chahooNgi...

apki ghazal ka radeef hai "laitay to acha hota"...but apne 2nd last shair maiN radeef change kar dia .. 2ndly apne matla maiN "ro aur dho" ko qawafi banaya hai ... to ab apki ghazal ke qawafi matla ke hisab say hi honay chahiyeN thay...like so, kho, jo...waghaira. ... ho sakay to in batoN ki roshni maiN is ghazal ko phir say kehnay ki koshish kijiye ga, bila shuba yeh aik haseen ghazal kehlaye gi

kuch bura laga ho to mazrat chahti hooN... @};-

khush rahiye

sajidraheem · #4 07-27-2006, 07:16 PM

Thanks Alott all of u...
ya i was also thinking k iss mai'n kuchh garr barr hai..
Thanks for pointing out the mistakes.. i'll make ammenments in it..
aur mind kernay ki to baat hee koee nahi hai..
I am here to learn.. aur mujhay khushi hai k mujhay aap logo'n se kuchh seekhnay ko mill raha hai

Thanks

sajidraheem · #5 07-27-2006, 08:12 PM

Assalamualaikum ,
@ Mahtab bhai, mehroo baji.

well, mai'n nay koshish kee hai, iss ghazal mai'n behtari laanay ki..

i dont know kis hadd tak kaamyaab rahaa..

Please is per nazar-e-saani ker ke apni tajaaweez se nawaaziyay ..

Shukriyaa..

Duaao'n ka Taalib

Sajid

**kanch ki mehroo** · #6 07-27-2006, 09:06 PM

walikum asalam Sajid@};-

wahh wah ... kiya kehnayyyy... aik aik shair bayhad khoob kaha .... bohat si dad qubool kijiye

Hum sawaalo'n ko nigaaho'n mai'n chhupaa rakhtay hai'n
Jhaank aankho'n mai'n kabho laitay to achha hotaa
Hum se manzil ka ta'ayyun na ho sakaa Sajid
Khud ko rasto'n mai'n jo kho laitay to achha hotaa

beautifullll @};-

1 2 misroN maiN abhi thori si prb lagi mujhe... like dis one

Aisaa toofaa'n to zindagi mai'n phir na aanay lagaa

isko agar ap yooN karo :

aisa toofan to jeewan maiN na phir aanay laga

to ziada munasib hoga...

khush raho aur likhtay raho ke ap maiN likhnay ki bohat salahiyat hai @};-

sajidraheem · #7 07-27-2006, 10:19 PM

Thanks alott..janaab..

InshaAllah... koshishj jaari rakhoo'n gaa..

aap duaao'n mai'n yaad rakhiyay gaa

**withlove** · #8 07-28-2006, 12:10 AM

Bohat achi kawish hai.. khayalat bohat umdah hein.. bus inhen muntashir na honay dijiye.. daad qabool kijiye.. @};-

wafa aur dua ke saath
withlove @};-

Urdu Poetry Forum

Daagh daamnn ke jo dho laitay to achha hotaa

Daagh daamnn ke jo dho laitay to achha hotaa