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2: mobi91
dusri kawish hy Mudabbar bhai ki, to jnab aap ki kawish bhi khoob rahi, matla-e-sani to aap ne khoob hi kaha... bohat umda hy.. sirf aik lafz change ho ja'ay to sheir bohat umda ho ja'ay ga, k "hamaiN" k sath "tujhy" ki baja'ay "tumhaiN" istamal ho to mozuN rehta hy, alfaaz ka istamal aap ne bhi khob kiya, shuru k sheroN meiN to rawani aur behr khoob rhai, lekin farhaad waly sheir (6th) aur is se agly sheroN meiN kahiN kahiN wazn aur rawani meiN masla mehsoos hua... kuch sheroN meiN radeef sahi trha nibh nahiN paya aur maani k hawaly se tashnagi si mehsoos hui... overall aik achi ghazal rahi..
aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN:
Behr aur Wazn = 2.5
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 3.5
total marks = 6
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3: Saraabs
saraabs bhai aap ki ghazal bhi achi rhai, khas kr maqta bohat umda kaha aap ne, lekin akser sheroN meiN us khas sheri berjastgi ki kami nazer aaei jo aik sheir k acha hony aur dil ko chu jany k li'ay zuroori hoti hy... behr aur wazn k hawaly se ghazal mukamal hy mager andaz-e-bayaN pr kuch mazeed ghor krny se ghazal meiN bohat behtri la'ei ja skti thi...
aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN: Behr aur Wazn = 4 andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4 total marks = 8
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4: Farid Nawaz
Farid bhai aap ki ghazal paRh kr aik khushi is baat ki kui k aap meiN qudarti tor pr thythm paya jata hy jo k aap k akser sheroN se zahir hota hy, yani kuch sheroN meiN sirf aik do lafzoN k izafy se sher wazn meiN aa ja'ay. go k abhi ye ghalati tasawur ho ga, mager aaeinda k liay ye bat shayad aap ko faida de saky, aap ka sheir hy:
bujha ke zehir meen ju hadson ne rakhe the
wo teer hans ke kalejee pe hum (bhi) kha ke rahee misra-e-sani meiN sirf aik lafz ('bhi' ya 'to') baRhany se sheir wazn meiN aa gya, sheir k matlab k mutabiq aap is jaga koi sa word laga sakty haiN. isi trha kuch aur sheiroN meiN bhi aik aadh lafz ki kami se wazn mutasir ho raha hy...
dusry sheir ka khyal bohat munfarid aur umda hy... majmoi tor pr aap ki ghazal meiN takhayul, alfaz ka istamal aur andaz-e-bayaN khoob hy, wazn aur rawani k hawaly se mehnat ki zuroorat hy.
aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN: Behr aur Wazn = 2 andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 3.5 total marks = 5.5
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5: smily anju
smily sahiba aap ki ghazal bhi khayal aur lafaz k istamal k hawaly se khoob rahi, magar ghazal meiN rawani, aur wazn ki kami rahi...
aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN:
Behr aur Wazn = 1
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 3
total marks = 4
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6: Haya n
bari aati hy Haya Sahiba ki ghazal ki, is ghazal meiN aik to ye k radeef kuch taweel muntakhib kia gya tha jisy baqi sheir k sath nibhana qadry mushkil hota hy. aur yahi hua, aap ki ghazal k akser sheroN meiN radeef apny matlab nahin raha... jis ki waja se sheroN ka husn mutasir ho raha hy, aur maani k hawaly se abham paida ho raha hy. wesy deegar pehu'oN k hawaly se ghazal achi hy yani behr, wazn, rwani aur alfaz ka sitamal...
aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN:
Behr aur Wazn = 4
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4
total marks = 8
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7: bazeecha-e-gham
aap ki ghazal meiN alfaaz ka istaamal acha hua hy, sheiroN k khyaal bhi umda haiN... lekin wazn, rawani aur andaaz-e-bayaN k hawaly se abhi bohat behtri ki zuroorat hy... aap ki kuch extra twaju is ghazal meiN bohat behtri laa sakti hy...
aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN:
Behr aur Wazn = 1
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 3
total marks = 4
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8: farhan85
Farhan bhai aap ki kawish bhi qaabil-e-staish hy, aap ki ghazal meiN bhi alfaz ka istamal khoob raha, aur khyalaat bhi umda haiN... kuch misroN meiN rawani aur andaz-e-bayaN bohat khubsurat hy mager majmoi tor pr dekheN to in chezoN ki kami nazer aati hy... wazn aur rhythm k hawaly se bhi improvement ki zuroorat hy...
aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN:
Behr aur Wazn = 1.5 andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 3 total marks = 4.5
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9: Amirmuaan
Amir bhai aap ki ghazal bohat khoob rahi... aik do sheroN ko nikaal kr baqi sheroN meiN wazn aur rawani khoob hy, alfaz ka istamal bhi umda hy. lekin 3rd sheir ka pehla misra wazn k hawaly se tawaju chahta hy, aur dusry misry meiN aap ne lafz istamal kiya "fasal", urdu meiN is lafz ka durust talafuz "fasl" hota hy, ghazal k rhythm meiN ye misra paRheN to ye lafz "fasal" hi paRha ja raha hy jo k ghalati tasawur ho ga.
aap ki ghazal ko mily haiN: Behr aur Wazn = 3.5 andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4 total marks = 7.5
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dua-go
Faizan Ahmad.