As-salam-o-alaikum dosto!
marking k sath hazir huN, aur ye dekh kr bohat khushi ho rahi hy k is bar bhi hmeiN bohat sa acha kalaam paRhny ko mila hy...
meri ra'ay k mutabiq shurakaa ki takhleeqat ko derj zail marks milty haiN:
1- amirmuaan
Amir sahab aap ki gahzal khoob rahi, kuch sheroN meiN rawani ki kami mehsoos ho rahi hy, alfaz ka istamal acha hy aur tamam ashaar takhayul k eitbar se umda haiN... wazn k hawaly se derj-zail ashaar tawaju talab haiN
nafrat k beej botay jahan yar milay hain
sookhay wahan bahar main ashjar milay hain
badla jo wafaon ka daitay thay jafa se
aina deekhaya to sharamsar milay hain
gul aur ko milay hain humain khar milay hain
kis pe wahan bharosa karain tou bata muaan
yaron k bhais main jahan aghyar milay hain
in ashaar k elawa sabhi sheroN ko paRh kr bohat acha laga, esa mehsoos hota hy k aap ki tabiat meiN qudarti rawani mojud hy, bas auzan
pr aur rawani
pr kuch tawa ki zuroorat hy...
Behr aur Wazn = 2
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 5
total marks = 7
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2: cute mary
maria sahiba aap ki kawish bhi kaei hawaloN se khoob rahi, ap k misroN ko paRh kr bhi mehsoos hota hy k aap meiN quderti rhythm mojud hy, ager aap mehnat jari rakheN to rawani ki is thoRi bohat kami ko dur kr sakti haiN... behr k hawaly se dekha ja'ay to aap ki ghazal k akser sheroN k dusry misry to usi behr meiN haiN, jis behr meiN msira-e-terha tha,
pr in sheroN k pehly misry aik aur behr k haiN... so la-shaoori tor
pr aap ne do behroN meiN aik sheir kaha hy... khush-aaeind bat ye hy k ap ba-wazn shairi kr sakti haiN, sirf kuch tawaju aur mashq ki zuroorat hy...
Behr aur Wazn = 2
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4
total marks = 6
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3- land of sorrow
Land of sorrow sahib aap ki ghazal meiN bhi takhayul to khoob hy, andaz-e-bayaN bhi acha hy bas rawani ka masla hy mager aik baat ye k aap ne misra-e-terha thek nahiN likha, aik lafz kam hy is meiN, lehaza misry ka wazn thek nahi raha aur ye ghalati aakhri sheir tak nazer aa rahi hy... so is janib tawaju ki zuroorat hy... aap k liay mashwara hy k aap baRy shoara k kalam
pr ghor kreN aur mashq jari rakheN...
Behr aur Wazn = 1
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 3
total marks = 3
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4- Mujahid Khan
Mujahid bhai aap ne bohat achi gahzal kahi, rawani khoob hy, sirf aik do sheroN meiN aik adh lafz ki waja se rukawat mehsoos hoti hy... yani pehly sheir meiN lafz "gharaz" ko aap ne "gharz" likha hy, aur 5th sheir meiN "gham aNmbar" ko rawani meiN paRheN to sher ka husn mutasir hota hy... wesy majmoi tor
pr aap ki kawish khoob rahi...
Behr aur Wazn = 3.5
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4.5
total marks = 8
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5- aawara007
Sohail sahab aap ki ghazal takhayul k lehaz se khoob hy, mager rawani k lehaz se behteri ki kafi gunja'ish nikalti hy, alfaaz ka istamal acha kiya hy aap ne, aur andaz-e-bayaN k hawaly se bhi kuch behteri derkaar hy, misra likhty waqt khyal rakha kreN k lafzoN ki tarteeb aisi ho k misra baRhty waqt rukna na paRy... mashq jari rakheN...
Behr aur Wazn = 1
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4
total marks = 5
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6- Stubborn Lioness
Neha Sahiba aap ki ghazal paRh kr bhi is bat ki khushi hoti hy k aap meiN bhi quderti rhythm mojud hy... aap ki ye salahiat mustaqbil meiN aap k liay bohat faida mand sabit ho gi... is ghazal ko dekheN to kaei misry wazn meiN nahiN haiN... mager sheroN meiN tahkayaul aur alfaz ka istamal acha hy, mashq krti raheN aur behteri ki safar jari rakheN...
Behr aur Wazn = 2
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 5
total marks = 7
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7- silent wishes
ji Ihsan bhai, aap ki ghazal paRh kr khush-gawar ehsas hua, bohat acha likhty haiN aap, aik bat kehna chahuN ga k akser sha'ir k sath ye masla rehta hy k aik khayl ko do misroN meiN is andaz meiN qaid kreN k wo khyal nikar kr wazeh ho ja'ay... aap mujhy kuch sheroN meiN isi masly se do'char nazer aa'ay... lekin aap ki ghazal majmoi tor
pr bohat umda rahi... bas youNhi behter se behtreen ki tarf safar jari rakheN...
Behr aur Wazn = 4
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4.5
total marks = 8.5
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8- Saraabs
ab bari aati hy sarabs bhai ki ghazal ki, to jnab aap ki ghazal majmoi tor
pr shandar rahi, sirf 5th sheir meiN bayan k hawaly se kami mehsoos hui, k pehly misry meiN aap chara-garoN ko mukhatib kr rahy haiN, to dusry misry meiN "aazar mily haiN" ki jaga "aazar di'ay haiN" hona chahiay tha... so "aazar mily haiN" munasib nahiN lag raha... baqi wazn, andaz-e-bayan aur alfaz k istaml k hawaly se ghazal khoob rahi...
Behr aur Wazn = 4
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 5
total marks = 9
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9- Zain
Zain bhai aap ki ghazal bhi mashaAllah shandar rahi... matla aur maqta shandar kaha hy aap ne, alfaz ka istamal, takhayul, rawani, wazn sabhi eitbar se aap ki ghazal umda rhai... sirf aik do sheroN meiN kuch kami si mehsoos hui, aur wo bhi shayad is liay k itny meiyari sheroN meiN aik adh sher bhi esa nahiN hona chahiay jis se ghazal ki dikashi mutasir ho...
3rd sheir ka pehla misra youN to wazn k hawaly se mukamal hy, mager dermian meiN "keh koi apna ho" se misra kuch kamzor ho raha hy, is ki jaga kuch aur hota to misra bharpor hojata...
4th sheir meiN is hawaly se kami mehsos hui k deewar k peechy se dusri taraf nahiN dekha ja sakta... lehaza "wo mehv-e-tamasha pas-e-deewar mily haiN" munasib nahiN lag raha...
overall aap ki ghazal bohat umda rahi...
Behr aur Wazn = 4
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 5
total marks = 9
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10- m a natiq
Natiq bhai aap ki ghazal k sheroN meiN khyal achy haiN, mager rwani ki kami mehsoos hui, wazn aur andaz-e-byan k hawaly se bhi abhi mehnat ki zuroorat hy... aik bat kafi hairan-kun hy k aap ki ghazal k 3rd sheir ka 2nd misra aur Mujahid Khan saahab ki ghazal k matla ka misra-e-sani donoN aik haiN... khyal ka is had tak milna! keh alfaaz bhi aik jesy hoN shaaz hi dekhny ko milta hy... khair, aap ki ghazal meiN behteri ki kafi gunja'ish mojud hy, aur mujhy umeid hy k ager aap kuch tawaju deN to ye kaami dur kr sakty haiN...
Behr aur Wazn = 1
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4
total marks = 5
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11- faridnawaz
Farid bhai aap ki ghazal bhi khoob rahi, ghazal k pehly 4 sheir to usi behr meiN haiN, jo behr misra-e-terha ki hy, magr baqi k sheroN meiN aap ne aik alag behr ikhtyar ki hy... so isy ghalati tasawur kiya ja'ay ga... lekin ager aap ne na-danista tor
pr aisa kiya hy to yahi bat khush-aaeind bhi hy k aap meiN bhi qudarti tor
pr rhythm paya jata hy, yaani aap behr ki pehchan ki'ay baghair bhi misry wazn meiN keh sakty haiN... alfaaz ka istamal acha hy, mager kuch sheroN meiN andaz-e-bayaN ki kamzori mehsos hui... takhayaul khoob hy... aap k liay mashwara hy k ghazal kehty waqt misroN k rhythm ko khas kr dhyan se parkha kreN, aur aik hi rhythm meiN misry likha kreN... shuru shuru meiN diq'qat ho gi, mager mashq k sath sath aap improve krty ja'aiN gy...
Behr aur Wazn = 2
andaaz-e-bayaN, Rawani, Takayyul, alfaaz ka ist'emal = 4.5
total marks = 6.5
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aap tamam dostoN ka bohat bohat shukriya, wish u all best of luck...