Urdu Poetry/Shayari Forum - View Single Post - raa'ay shumari bra'ay Muqabla-e-Terhi Ghazal (May 07)

**zain** · #3 05-28-2007, 11:59 PM

lo ji ham bhi haazir hain,aor woh bhi marking ke saath,
sab se pehley to aap tamaam doston ka bahot shukriya ke aap ne apne itney khoobsurat kalaam se ham sab ko mehzooz kiya,aor is muqaabaley ko kaamyaab banaaya,
to shuru kartey hain........Faypal.. ..Afzal bhahi ki ghazal se.....

1) Faypal.......Afzal bhaahi aap ki ghazal buniyaadi tor par achhi hai,aor ashaar main aap ne khoobsurat khayaal baandhey hain,lekin do aek khaamiyaan jo mujhey mehsoos hoyeen arz kar raha hoon,.....1) aap ka 3# shar SHUTAR GARBA ka shikaar hai,( pehley misrey main USSEY aor doosarey misrey main KAR DETEY ki wajah se,ya to pehley misrey main UNHAIN hota,ya phir doosarey misrey main KAR DETA,to is se bacha ja sakta tha,....2)aap ki is ghazal main mujhey shairiyat aor mainwiyat ki bhi kuchh kammi lagi,shaaid aap ne yeh ghazal bahot jaldi main kahi ho,beharhaal is tarf bhi thori tawajah deney ki zaroorat hai,mujhey yaqeen hai ke aap is se bahot achha likh saktey hain,

so aap ki is ghazal ko miltey hain...........4+ 4.5= 8.5

2) Noor,.......aap ne bhi bahot khoobsurat ghazal kahi,ashaar ka mazmoon bahot achha raha,lekin aap ki ghazal main jo aek baat main ne note ki hai,woh hai TA.AQEED-E- LAFZI,....yeh urdu shaairy main aek AEB samjha jaata hai,aor is se bachna chaahiye,is ki ta.areef yoon hai ke koyi bhi misra agar nasar se bahot ziyaada hat jaaye,doosarey lafzon main agar alfaaz ki tarteeb is tarah se ho ke misra samaa.at par garaan guzrey, ya us ka matlab samajhney main mushkil ho to usse TA.AQEED-E- LAFZI kehtey hain,jesa ke aap ka yeh misra.......zard paton se khizaan ke jo zara milta sakoon..........,aek chhoti si misaal bhi deta chaloon,aap ke samajhney ke liye....dekhain ..misra hai....meri ta.areef ne,...agar aap is ko yoon likhain ke...ta.areef ne meri .....to gawaara hai,lekin agar aap is ko yoon likhain ke....ta.areef meri ne...to yeh aeb hai,umeed hai aap samajh gayi hongi,aor aainda is se bachney ki koshish karain gi

aap ki ghazal ko miltey hain...............4 +4= 8

3) Sunehri ........aap ne bhi bahot khoobsurat ghazal kahi hai,khaas tor se alfaaz ka chunao bahot khoob kiya hai aap ne,lekin....shair #2 main BARPA ghalat qaafiya hai,yeh to shaaid aap ghalti se likh gayi hon,aor asal lafz BAPAA ho,lekin aap ki ghazal ka shair#3 wazn main naheen hai,aor us ke donon misrey behar se khaarij hain,so is tarf tawajah deney ki zaroorat hai,

aap ki ghazal ko miltey hain............3.5+ 4.5= 8

aek baar phir aap tamaam doston ka bahot shukriya ke aap ki wasaatat se itney achhey kalaam se mehzooz honey ka moqa mila,
bahot khush rahiye,