Urdu Poetry/Shayari Forum - View Single Post - Raye shumari baraye muqabla-e-nazam goi (Sept. 06)

**WanderingThoughts** · #5 09-29-2006, 05:34 AM

Aadaab dosto!

Is bar bhi Unwan (MAHABAT) bohat acha mutakhib kiya gya tha. Isy ap multi-dimensional keh sakhty haiN� so is bar bhi bohat achi achi nazmeN parhny ko miliN� sab dostoN ne jis lagan aur jazby se is mukably maiN participate ki�a wo kabil-e-staish hy�

Nta�ij kuch yuN haiN:

1st entery: khaiyaal (nazm ka unwan: CHAHAT KI EK DOORI)

achi kawish rahi Khaiyaal! Alfaz ka istamal to ap ne khoob kiya, mager aik bat kehna chahuN ga k khyaalat kuch munfarid nahi lagy is nazm k� ager-chy Nazm ki ibtidaa bohat achi hy (pehli 3 lines). Mager is ibtidaa ka rabt nahi banta baqi tmaam nazm k sath� misrooN maiN Flow bhi kuch mukamat pr garber krta hy (yani rhythm ki kami hy�)

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
andaaz-e-bayaN k (2)
mozu k (3)
Total points = 5

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2nd Entery: chariagy-aakhir-shab (nazm ka unwan: "MOHUBBAT")

To Jnaab ap ki nazm parh kr jo bat sab se pehly zehn maiN ubhri wo ye thi k ap ne kuch munfarid aur haqeqi khyaalat pesh ki�ay, aur bohat achy andaaz miaN pesh ki�ay. Mozu k eitbar se bhi nazm mukamal hy�
Kami jo mujhy mehsoos hoi, wo ye k nazm k misroN maiN flow nahi hy (yani rhythm aur wazn garber hy� aur ye bat is nazm ki khobsorti ko maaNd krti hy.

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
andaaz-e-bayaN k (2)
mozu k (4)
Total points = 6

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3rd Entery: Tariq Aziz (nazm ka unwan: "Suna hy tery laboN pe wo nam aaya hy")

Ap ki janib se bhi aik achi nazm parhny ko mili� alfaaz ka istamal bohat khoob hy, aur andaaz-e-bayan bhi acha hy, lekin khyaalat kuch traditional se lagy� aik do mukamat pr wazn bhi garber laga (shayad typing mistake ki waja se�) aur mauzu k lehaz se bhi kuch tashnagi mehsoos hoi�

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
andaaz-e-bayaN k (3) (rawani, alfaz ka ista'amal, takhayyul)
mozu k (3)
Total points = 6

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4th Entery: Flimsy: (nazm ka unwan: " ")

bazahir to ap ki nazm pr koi unwan nazer nahi aaya, lekin ager Mohabat ko hi ap ki nazm ka unwan man li�a ja�ay to is eitbar se to koi kami nahi nazer aati ap ki nazm maiN� lekin rawani ki kami zurur mehsoos hoi, alfaaz ka acha istamal kiya, khyaalat bhi khoob haiN (excluding one thought, k aik lehr do kinaroN ko kesy milati hy, is ki samajh nahi aai�)

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
andaaz-e-bayaN k (2)
mozu k (3)
Total points = 5

-----------------------

5th Entery: Haya (nazm ka unwan: "Aseeran-e-Mohabat")

Haya Sahiba aap ki nazm maiN wo tamam khobiyaN mojud haiN jo k aik aazad nazm maiN honi chahi�aiN� rawani bherpoor hy siwa�ay aik ikloty mukam k (mohabat k aseeroN ko to ye chah hi nahi rehti�.). yaahaN chah ki �hy� aur hi ki �hy� akathy ada hony ki waja se rawani kuch garber hoti hy�
Takhai�yul bhi khoob hy� aur unwan k tehat bhi koi kami nazer nahi aati.

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
andaaz-e-bayaN k (3)
mozu k (4)
Total points = 7

-----------------------

6th Entery: WithLove (nazm ka unwan: "hmeN tum se mohabat hy")

Jnaab Sehra Naward! Ap ki janib se aik bohat taweel nazm parhny ko mili� aur is bat ki khushi hy k aap ki nazm maiN bhi khyaalat kuch munfarid haiN� alfaaz ka istamal bhi bohat khoob hy� bulky baz mukamat pr to bohat hi khoob hy� lekin kuch mukamal pr wazn maiN garber nazer aai�
unwaan k tehat bhi kuch tishnagi baqi rahi�

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
andaaz-e-bayaN k (4)
mozu k (3.5)
Total points = 7.5

-----------------------

7th Entery: Luckey Libra (nazm ka unwan: "Mahabat")

ap ki janib se bhi aik pak jazbat se bherpor nazm parhny ko mili� (sab se pehli bat is competition se hat kr krna cahhuN ga k jin pak hastioN k nam is nazm maiN aa�ay un k adab aur ehtraam ki khatir un k namoN pr kuch kuroof likhy jaty haiN� yahaN kisi bhi nam pr koi tazeemi huroof nahi likhy ho�ay�)

ab kuch bat technicalities pr ho ja�ay�.

Takhayul bohat aa�la hy aur khas kr maaN wali lines ne to sher tari kr diya mujh pr� andaaz-e-bayan bhi khoob hy� kami jo reh gai is nazm maiN wo wazn aur rhythm ki hy�

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
andaaz-e-bayaN k (3)
mozu k (4)
Total points = 7

-----------------------

8th Entery: Pessimist (nazm ka unwan: "Mahabat kiya hy")

ap ne bhi aik achi nazm pesh ki� alfaaz ka istamal khoob hy, aur thoughts bhi achy haiN� lekin abhi bohat sa kam baqi hy� esa lagta hy abhi safar ka aaghaz hy� mera mashwara hy k ap jitna ziyada ho saky apny thoughts ko express krny ki koshish kreN aur ye kam duty samajh kr kreN�

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
Andaaz-e-bayaN k (3) (rawani, alfaz ka ista'amal, takhayyul)
Mozu k (3)
Total points = 6

-----------------------

9th Entery: Qasim (nazm ka unwan: "---------")

Bari aati hy Qasim Bhai ki! To Jnaab ma-sha-Allah pa ki nazm bohat interesting hy� misroN main aik rabt nazer aata hy� aur alfaaz bhi khoob istamal ki�ay haiN ap ne� aap ki nazm ko bhi ager Mahabat ka hi unwan di�a ja�ay to is eitbar se bhi koi kami nahi ap ki nazm maiN.
Aik do bateN pointout krna chahuN ga� ap ne 29th line maiN likha �magar aik or marhale se hai jaanaa�, to jnaab mery mutabiq �merhaly se jana� nahi hota �merhaly se guzerna� ya �marhala tay krna� hota hy� ager ye mistake koi student krta to isy nazer-nazer�andaaz kiya ja sakta tha, lekin aap jesy Achy Shair se ham ye tawaqu nahi rakhty.

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
Andaaz-e-bayaN k (4)
Mozu k (4)
Total points = 8

-----------------------

10th Entery: Quill (nazm ka unwan: "Mahabat")

Ji Quill ap ne bhi aik bohat khobsurat nazm pesh ki. Jitni pukhtagi ap ki nazm maiN nazer aai aur jis qader ap ki garift misroN ki tawalat aur ikhtasar pr hy, us se mehsoos hota hy k aap nay likhny waly nahi haiN balky bohat arse se likh rahy haiN (k ye bateN bohat practice k bad hi kisi shair ki tehreer maiN aati haiN�
Truly speaking, mujhy samajh nahi aa rahi k is takhleeq pr kiya comments duN� na koi wazn ki khami, na koi talafuz ki ghalti� na hi aam se khyaalat�

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
Andaaz-e-bayaN k (5) (rawani, alfaz ka ista'amal, takhayyul)
Mozu k (4)
Total points = 9

-----------------------

11th Entery: SilentEmotions (nazm ka unwan: "Pyaar")

ap ki janib se bhi aik umda, simple, mukhtasir aur khobsurat nazm pesh ki gai� alfaz bohat sada se istamal hoy haiN, lekin takhayyul bohat aa�la hy� aur rhythm k hawaly se bhi koi khami nazer nahi aai ap ki nazm maiN�

Aap ki nazm ko points mily:
Andaaz-e-bayaN k (4)
Mozu k (4)
Total point = 8

-----------------------

ap sab dostoN ka is competition maiN participation ka bohat bohat shukriya...

wish u all best of luck...

Allah Mola aap sab ko bohat bohat ziyada ata kary.... aur hmesha shaad-o-aabad rakhy.... Aamin.